The Key Chain Every Mom Needs
The Last Thing…
The last 10 things any woman would ever say
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it’s easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don’t throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I’m wrong, you must be right again.
The last 10 things any man would ever say
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her tits are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on “Murder, She Wrote” gives me a woody.
7. Sure I’d love to wear a condom.
8. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.
9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let’s watch Desperate Housewives.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
A Living Will
Last night, my friend came to visit…….we were talking and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just please pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.
She’s such a bitch…..
Quotations On Work
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome
A Woman’s Week At The Gym
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old an aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too loud for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, hunky, studly — If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the DAMN barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, sissy voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
How To Be Politically Correct With Women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
‘Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’
Comments From Dr’s Patients
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey….”
8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”
10. “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
11. “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Fishbern,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a damn wall!”
Is Windows A Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. – Sigh. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. – Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It’s a bug.
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”