The Muppet’s: Saw Trailer
Top 10 Good Things About Winning An Academy Award
10. “I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this day I get a case a year.”
9. “I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.”
8. “Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, ‘Wanna polish my Oscar?’”
7. “Dangle it from your rear-view mirror and goodbye speeding tickets.”
6. “No more of that ‘It’s just an honor to be nominated’ bull.”
5. “If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the other way.”
4. “On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent stakes.”
3. “A lot of people don’t know this, but the head screws off and there’s Bourbon inside.”
2. “Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy Award?”
1. “There’s a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you.”
Are My Testicles Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet. “He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black? “Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine. “The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely, Are – my – test – results – back?”
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one’s personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of error. )
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self defense”.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
Rejected Public Holidays
12. Start of Christmas Season Day
11. False Labor Day
10. Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
9. Hallmark Card Day
8. Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
7. Hash Wednesday
6. Deadbeat Father’s Day
5. Bad Hair Day
4. Put Your Daughter To Work Day
3. Doris Day
2. St. Hooter’s Day
And the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday…
1. Casual Sex Friday’s
Preparation For Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “Postman Pat” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot Is On Drugs
10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares
9. In between “May I” and “have your attention” there’s a 45 minute pause.
8. He’s constantly yelling, “Take that, Red Baron!”
7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia
6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
5. For the last hour, he’s been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest
2. When you fly over the international date line, he yells, “Dude! We’re, like, time traveling!”
1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop
End Of The World Reports
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
THE LAST NEW THING
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady’s Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft’s Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE
You Know It’s Going To Be A Bad Day When…
· Your car costs more to fill up that it did to buy.
· You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off your MasterCard.
· The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
· Your manager calls you into the office on a Friday.
· Every person you ask for job leads says: “I wish I had some job leads”
· People you talk to outside of your company say, “You could try company ABC. Oh, but they laid off 25% of their people 3 months ago.”
· Fellow co-workers talk “seriously” about jobs at K-Mart.
· People in your department greet each other with “How’s the job search?” instead of “How’s it going?”
· You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
· Your ex’s lawyer calls.
· You wake up face-down on the sidewalk
· You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they’re gone
· The person you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your spouse
· Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
· You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you don’t have a waterbed
· Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
· You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…
1. You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
5. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
6. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
7. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
8. Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
9. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
10. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
11. Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
13. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
14. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
15. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
16. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
17. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
18. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
19. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
20. If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”
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