How NOT To Sexually Harass Someone According To The BBC
1. At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people — you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
2. You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
3. Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
4. You always have your ear to the ground. So how’s life in the gutter?
5. Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
6. Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
7. You are pretty as a picture and we’d love to hang you.
8. You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
9. Any friend of yours — is a friend of yours.
10. Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
11. I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
12. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can’t take the credit.
13. This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
14. I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
15. We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
16. I’d like to break the monotony; where’s your weakest point?
17. The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
18. Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
Mr. Right Application
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply:
___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme…
With the most romantic first line…
And the least romantic second line…
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be sweet as honey,
But I only married you ’cause I thought you had money.
I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Dang; I’m good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘living with you is hell.’
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Who said poetry is boring
An Artist’s Luck
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
Geek Pick-Up Lines
Since not everybody speaks geek, we’ve deciphered some of the more technical lingo.
10. I wish I was your derivative so I could lay tangent to your curves. (In calculus, a derivative is tangent — meaning it brushes up against — a curve.)
9. Mind if I put a Trojan on your hard drive? (A Trojan is malware that appears to form a legitimate function on your computer, but actually facilitates unauthorized access to your system. You would mind.)
8. You had me at Halo. (Halo is popular video game with those who don’t have a traditional set of social skills.)
7. Is it ok if I ascii you out? (ASCII is a coding standard which allows computers to talk to each other.)
6. By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares. (Fourth-grade math joke)
5. I wish I was DNA Helicase so I can unzip your genes, (Helicase is the enzyme responsible for unzipping the double-helix structure of the DNA that makes up your genes.)
4. Baby, I love you so much that if Joss Whedon were writing our romance one of us would be dead by now. (Joss Whedon is a writer/director who has a history of killing off love interests in his sci-fi/fantasy-based TV dramas like “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.”)
3. If I FlickR your YOUTUBE, will you Twitter my Yahoo? (Geeks also like crude puns.)
2. Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF, All my base are belong to you. (#FF000 and #0000FF are the HTML codes for red and blue respectively. The rest is from an Internet meme involving Japanese Engrish.)
1. My name’s Vista. Can I crash at your place tonight? (Microsoft’s operating system has a reputation for being unstable.)
HIS And HERS Road Trip
Pulls off at wrong exit.
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn’t find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn’t spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside…
And of course you’re still lost.
Some People Think Way Too Much
1. If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
7. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
11. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you……….mess it up.
Better be safe than………………….punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the …………………………bug is close.
It’s always darkest before…………daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but…………………..how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………………looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a……………………………..Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new…………………….math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the………………………pigs.
An idle mind is…………………..the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke, there’s………………….pollution.
Happy the bride who……………….gets all the presents.
A penny saved is……………………………..not much.
Two’s company, three’s…………………..the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……………………..you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind………get out of the way.
Modern Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Bar 7.5, and Softball 3.6
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. One of the options on your truck is a spittoon.
2. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
3. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table…in front of her kids.
4. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
5. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
6. Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”
7. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
8. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
9. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this.”
10. You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’
11. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
12. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
13. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
14. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
15. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
17. You don’t think Jeff’s Foxworthy’s jokes are funny.