Charlize Theron’s Kinky Sex Tape
Debbie Downer & Lindsay Lohan Infamous SNL Blooper Sketch
Collected Comments Of College Students
· He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
· Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!
· His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
· Textbook is confusing … someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.
· This class was a religious experience for me … I had to take it all on faith.
· The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
· Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
· Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing – it’s a great stress reliever.
· Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose – spraying in all directions – no way to stop it.
· I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets.
Drive Through ATM Procedures
Please note that Banks are installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6 Put window up.
7 Drive off.
1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5 Turn the radio down.
6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9 Insert card.
10 Re-insert card the right side up
11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required.
15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
19 Re-check make-up again.
20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
21 Reverse back to cash machine.
22 Retrieve card.
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27 Release Parking Brake.
If Famous Characters Throughout Time Had Jewish Mothers
We would probably have this kind of remarks:
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?’
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write…’
MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?’
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!’
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?’
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!’
THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Okay, so I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!’
PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!’
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?’
MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?’
BILL GATES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘It would have killed you to become a doctor?’
BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.’
Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans
1. When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.
2. We’re Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On our flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think it’s so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. We may be landing on your street.
15. Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly on our airline and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20. A real man lands where he wants to.
Classic Short Jokes
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet!!!
Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy too!!!!
1. Lift the lid & seat on your toilet bowl and add a couple of cap fulls of shampoo to the water.
2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times.
(This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”)
5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!
Rules For Relationships
For those of you who don’t already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vague misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!
(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law.
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”
How To Look Busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisor.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Israel.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the computer manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the computer manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff”
Now That I’m Older Here’s What I’ve Discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck did stop here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??
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