The Truth About Being Single
Happy Valentine’s Day
The evening of Valentine’s Day. A man comes to a drug store:
- Good evening!
- Sorry, we are sold out…
A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:
- What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine’s Day?
- Well, I don’t know, – she answers shyly.
- OK, that I give you another year to think about it…
How do you wish Happy Valentine’s Day for a single?
Happy Independence Day
What do you call a very small Valentine? A Valentiny!
Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!
What’s the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
I’m gonna spend Valentines day with my ex…… box 360
I can’t wait for valentines day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.
Valentines day….. A day when taken people get laid and single people get drunk.
That awkward moment when valentines day is around the corner, and the only person that loves you is your mom.
My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweler’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweler inquired, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, ‘No, instead engrave “To my one and only love”.’
The jeweler smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.’
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, ‘Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’
Funny Valentine Quotes
‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.’
‘Women are cursed, and men are the proof.’
‘Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.’
‘Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.’
‘My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.’
‘The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.’
‘I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.’
‘Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.’
Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
- Robert Orben
On this Valentine’s Day I’d just like to say I wouldn’t trade you for anything. (Of course, nobody’s made an offer…)
- Melanie White
On Valentine’s Day, remember: the only truly painless way out of a relationship is to be the first to die.
- from a cartoon by BizarroComics.com
This Valentine’s Day I’m going to do something I don’t normally do: remember it.
- Melanie White
Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
- Jay Leno
Hallmark is coming out with a new card for guys who forget Valentine’s Day. The card is small and gold and maxes out at ten grand.
- Craig Kilborn
The perfect way to get back at a man for forgetting Valentine’s Day is to forget to cook Thanksgiving dinner.
- Melanie White
I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
- Tracy Smith
Remember your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.
- Melanie White
Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what poor aim Cupid has.
There’s no hell like a woman scorned – except the hell she puts her man through when he forgets Valentine’s Day.
- Melanie White
Valentines Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.
- Lewis Black
Valentine’s Day is a man’s way of letting his wife know how much he appreciates her putting up with him during football season.
- Melanie White
Valentines Day Candy. Ask yourself: is it worth the weight?
My husband isn’t very romantic. I think he just remembers Valentine’s Day in self defense.
- Melanie White
I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.
That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
Don’t Make a Fuss About Valentine’s Day
My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine’s Day. She repeats that it’s the thought that counts.
Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn’t quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here’s my list – see what you think:
• Brand new mop and bucket
I was thinking it would be fun to see what color the floor was because I couldn’t remember.
• Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.
• Chocolates left-over from last year’s candy box.
I was thinking of how proud she’d be of me for not wasting food. She’s been nagging me for years to recycle.
• Midnight moped ride through the park.
I was thinking that I’m getting too old to be peddling on the bike.
• Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favorites this -
I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.
• 45 second back massage.
I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.
• Windows 10
I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.
A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!
Tell-Tale Signs You’ve Been Married Forever
How long have you been married? “Too long.”
Today is our 14th anniversary. My husband didn’t get me an anniversary card. He got me a THANK YOU card. Basically for “putting up with him.”
You know you’ve been married a long time when you BOTH forget your anniversary. And you laugh about it.
You know your parents have been married for too long when they get each other the same card for their anniversary
You know you’ve been married a long time when your children are spending night elsewhere a & nap ranks very high on possible things to do
You know you’ve been married a long time when you watch your beautiful wife turn into her mother…
You know you’ve been married a long time when you rip one and your husband busts out laughing.
You know you’ve been married a long time when you realize that your wife knows your blood type…..and you have forgotten what it is.
You know when you have been married a long time when your dear wife asks for a golf cart for her birthday vs jewelry
You know you’ve been married a long time when you’ve outlasted all your wedding presents.
You know you’ve been married a long time when “In the mood” means …we’re getting brownies
You know you’ve been married for a long time when your idea of a morning date is a meet up in the dentist’s office.
You know when the hubs tells the dog goodbye but not you, you have been married a long time.
You know you have been married a long time when you order the exact same thing for dinner and you write the same thing in each other’s card!
Conversations With Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know, explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…..”Da-ad”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?”
“No, You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad..”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later.. “Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him
“How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”
Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get some boobs too.”
An Artist’s Luck
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
Twitter Perfectly Summed Up Your Inner Grandma
1. You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
— Larry & Moon Dog (@DukEB51)
2. In bed before 8 o’clock. This is the way life should be. #innergrandma
— Sharon Mawikere (@shmaronn)
3. Well, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, but I have microwaveable slippers on right now so I can’t complain.
— Molly Mcgrady (@_guacamolly__)
4. I know I’m getting old cause I was looking forward to this all day. Night cap and a good book.
— Fredo (@Fredo_Corona)
5. You know you’re old when you get excited about buying a laundry bin. This one is a great example of wicker though.
— Sophie Eggleton (@SophieEggleton)
6. The older I get… The more I need naps after eating #grandmaatheart
— katie yakel (@katttiieeelove)
7. Three years ago I bought one pair of elasticated waisted trousers. I’ve never looked back & now all my trousers are stretchy. #GettingOld
— Lesley James .Author (@lesleyjames123)
8. All of my recent texts are about a cashmere sweater sale at Uniqlo and I am painfully aware that I turn 24 this month #GettingOld
— Jazmyne Denman (@JazmyneSDenman)
9. You know you’re getting old when you get excited about adding raisins to your oatmeal.
— Dan (@Social_Mime)
10. You know you’re old when your favourite kind of plans are canceled plans.
— NikkiDallasMultipass (@foiltheplot)
11. Got an Amazon gift card for Christmas, just used it to buy pillows and a cook book, I’m officially old
— Grant Howard (@granthoward23)
12. 9:30 Saturday night: making scones. Guess I’m officially old.
— Geoffrey Papilion (@gpapilion)
13. After the teens behind me took a selfie with the guy I sat next to on the plane, I asked them who he was. YouTube star. I’m officially old.
— Bethany Jenkins (@BethanyJenkins)
14. I’m gonna be honest, I got kicked out of the club because I fell asleep standing up #GrandmaAtHeart
— megmoney (@_meganhenry)
15. You don’t know what happiness is until you get a memory foam mattress cover. I’m so old.
— Taylor Gaunce (@taylorgaunce)
16. Nowadays my Facebook timeline is either flooded with food recipes or wedding pictures. God, I’m old.
— AliaAzahar (@AliaAzahar)
17. Preheat the heated blanket before u go out so when u come back turnt u crawl into bed like wow this is lush
— nicole (@N1kkyK)
18. It took me almost 2 hours to figure out how to backup and update my phone #grandmaatheart
— Stephanie Bowen (@stephlorrainee_)
19. You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
— Max Francis (@HallpassCanada)
Best Valentine’s Night Ever!
It’s A Good Thing She Was Wearing A Helmet!!!