Funniest Airport Prank
Food Ideas we think were Rejected By McDonalds:
• Salmon McNella
• Filet o’ Gefilte Fish
• Way Too Happy Meal
• Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
• Them Ain’t Nuggets!
• McKitty Sandwich
• Rocky Mountain McOysters
• The Depressed Meal
• Filet O’ Flesh
• Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
Teaching 5 Year Olds To Read
From a teacher
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, ‘Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!’
I took a deep breath , then asked…’What did you call it?’
‘It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!’
And so it does…
Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?
Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are.
1. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
2. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland
3. A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry
4. Ah Mozart! He was happily married…but his wife wasn’t. — Borge
5. Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy.
6. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie
7. And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise. – William Shakespeare
8. Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
9. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
10. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
11. Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
12. English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.
13. Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd
14. Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
15. I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife.
16. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin
17. I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
18. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’? — Phyllis Diller
19. I’ve been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
20. If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…” – sometimes they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner
21. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.
22. Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable. — Oscar Wilde
Top Ten Ways To Get Thrown Out Of Chemistry Lab
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”
7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again…not again…not again.”
6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker (extra points if your a female).
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
Taking The Final Exam
Two college football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.”
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”
Alternate Meanings For Common Words
Probably thought up by the dumb blond in the video above.
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Test!cle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational
Here’s the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people which stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
“It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.”
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”
“I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash.”
“We’re all in this alone.”
-Lily Tomlin, on life
Great Moments in Literature: In 1936, Ernest Hemingway, while trout fishing, caught a carp and decided not to write about it.
-Guindon cartoon caption
“You call this a script? Give me a couple $5,000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself.”
-Joe Pasternak, movie producer
“When in doubt, have two guys come through the door with guns.”
“People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.”
“Carney’s Law: There’s at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print the name Craney incorrectly.”
“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.”
“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.”
“The only problem with that movie is that the ending was sooooo Hollywood. There’s no way that team would have beaten the Russians.”
-Mike Wickett, on Miracle
You Know You’re Having A Bad Day When…
1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.
2. You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. Everyone loves your driver’s license picture, but you think it looks awful.
18. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in….and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
21. People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night……and there aren’t any.
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Greatest Film Speeches and Monologues!!!
1. Robert Duvall, Apocalypse Now (1979): You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn’t find one of ‘em, not one stinkin’ dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like… victory. Someday this war’s gonna end…
2. Jack Nicholson, A Few Good Men (1992): You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know – that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
3. Marlon Brando, On The Waterfront (1954): Remember that night in the Garden? You came down to my dressing room and you said ‘kid, this ain’t your night. We’re going for the price on Wilson’… You was my brother, Charlie. You shoulda looked out for me a little bit so I wouldn’t have to take them dives for the short-end money. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum. Which is what I am. Let’s face it.
4. Samuel L Jackson, Pulp Fiction (1994): The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.
5. Michael Douglas, Wall Street (1987): The point is, ladies and gentleman, is that greed – for lack of a better word – is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms – greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge – has marked the upward surge of mankind. And Greed – you mark my words – will not only save Teldar Paper but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA
6. Peter Finch, Network (1976): I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the streets, and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it.
7. Ewan McGregor, Trainspotting (1996): Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends… Choose your future. Choose life.
8. Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry (1971): I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?
9. Richard E Grant, Withnail and I (1987): What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, how like an angel in apprehension, how like a God! The beauty of the world, paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dusk. Man delights not me, no, nor women neither, nor women neither.
10. Mel Gibson, Braveheart (1995): You have come to fight as free men, and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight? Aye, fight and you may die, run and you’ll live. At least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!
11. Kevin Costner, Bull Durham (1988): Well, I believe in the soul, the c@ck, the pu$$y, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core porn@graphy, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.