Frank Sinatra & Dean Martin – Funny New Year Sketch
New Year’s Resolutions
Warning: This video is disgusting but that doesn’t mean it isn’t funny
Interesting New Years Resolutions
1. I will find that bastard who let the dogs out.
2. Wear pants when I leave the house.
3. I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
4. I will shower less and use more cologne
5. I will find out what the hell that smell is
6. I will change my username to ‘password’ and my password to ‘username’
7. Stop blaming others for my flatulents.
8. Stop talking on the phone while on the crapper
9. I will have sex while sky diving
10. Stop making out with so many supermodels every night
11. I will work with neglected children…my own
12. I will change all the clocks flashing ’12:00′
13. Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
14. Stop making New Year’s resolutions
New Year’s Quotes
New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. – Mark Twain
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. – Oscar Wilde
It wouldn’t be New Year if I didn’t have regrets. – William Thomas
I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. – Robert Paul
New Year’s Eve: Where old acquaintance be forgot…Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. – Jay Leno
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. – P.J. O’Rourke
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution. – Jay Leno
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. – Bill Vaughan
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. – Anonymous
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions! – Joey Adams
The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. – W.H. Auden
“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” -James Agate
If you’re born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a ‘Bang.’ – Unknown
New year’s is my favorite holiday. Mostly because everyone wants to make out. – Unknown
Dieting – New Year Resolutions
2008: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2011: I will work out 3 days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year’s Resolutions For Pets
15. I will not eat other animals’ poop.
14. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on steroids, or they’ll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is “too” much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT’S HAND
Addicted To Your Cell Phone?
Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Tangled in a web of wireless? Maybe you should ask yourself these questions.
1. Do parts of your body tingle when you get free cell phone minutes?
2. Does raising your children interfere with programming your speed dial?
3. Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting on the toilet in a public restroom?
4. Does the term fashion statement mean to you matching your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?
5. When getting into a car accident, is your first response “Can you hold on a moment, I’m hemorrhaging?”
6. Does the sound of static trigger dark memories of ill-fated connections?
7. Do you use the menu light as your night light?
8. Does it take you an hour on a regular phone to get the same feeling of a five-minute cellular call?
9. When receiving a phone call, do you ever ask the film projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?
Things Not To Say During Childbirth….
1. Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
2. Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
3. I hope your ready. The Glamor Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
4. If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
5. That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
6. When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
7. You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
8. This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
9. Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
10. Stop your swearing and just breathe.
11. Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
12. Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.”
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage….
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Signs You’ve Chosen a “No Frills” Airline
1. You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.
2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
7. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
8. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
10. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
11. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
12. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
16. Casual Sex Fridays! Need we say more?
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for”
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client