Silly Olympics Sketch – Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Fun Things To Do In The Elevator
• When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
• Give religious tracts to each passenger.
• Meow occasionally.
• Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
• Frown and mutter, “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say, “oops!”
• Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
• Sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” while continuously pushing buttons.
• Holler, “Chutes away!!” whenever the elevator descends.
• Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Burp, then say, “Mmmmm…..tasty!”
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers “through” it.
• Start a sing-along.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your cell phone?”
• Play the accordion.
• Shadow box.
• Say, “Ding!” at each floor.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Say, “I wonder what all these do?” and then push ALL the red buttons.
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the hood. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not. Cya!”
Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
On a Church’s Billboard:
“7 days without God makes one weak.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
Priest And A Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put his book down and began a conversation by saying, “I understand that in your religion, you are not supposed to eat pork….but, have you never even tasted it?”
The rabbi put his newspaper down and replied, “I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, but only on the odd occasion.”
The rabbi then questioned the priest, “I understand that in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate….but….”
“Yes, I know exactly what you are going to ask, “interjected the priest, “and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice.”
They both went back to their reading and remained silent for a while.
Finally, the rabbi peeked over his newspaper and with a big grin, said, “Better than pork, isn’t it!”
Children’s Science Exam Answers
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this one!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (ex. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels
A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean? (I do love this one…)
Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
The Five Levels Of Drinking
LEVEL 1: It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I’ll be fine.”
LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep…I’m cool.”
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger…and he’s buying. And you’re thinking “Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood, I’m cool.”
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, “Well…as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well….STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I’m cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Simon!!!”), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!” – and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five – the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say, “Who’s Simon?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”
Advantages Of Being A Woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
When you have had one of those take this job and shove it days, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.
You will notice in small print the statement that “Every rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company !!!”
Quotes From Famous People
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
Miss Alabama the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life”
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body”
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
“The word ‘genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
- Even after eating a Tic-Tac, puppies still have bad breath.
- When you’re sad, the best place to be is with your dog.
- No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize a cat.
- When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
- Broccoli cannot be hidden in a glass of milk.
- Never wear stripped or polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- As you get bigger, your room gets smaller.
- Dogs can’t be trusted to watch your food.
- Reading what people write on desks can help get you through the test.
- School lunches will stick to the wall.
- Never sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- If your sibling hits you, don’t hit back. The second person is always the one who gets caught.
- Never hold a cat and a dust buster at the same time.
- It’s impossible to unlearn a bad word.
- You can’t start over just because you’re losing the game.
- If you want a kitten, start by asking for a horse.
- If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.