NPR’s Delicious Dish Schweddy Balls – Saturday Night Live
Top 10 Things Santa Clause Would Never Say
10. This kid just peed – get him off my knee!
9. No second helpings for me – I’m trying out that new South Beach Diet.
8. Off my lap, Fatty.
7. Who wants Rudolph jerky?
6. Hey, kid – them brown lumps in your stocking ain’t coal.
5. How many times do I have to tell you, Prancer? I don’t believe in unions and I don’t believe in health benefits.
4. Stockings aren’t the only things I’ve been nailing in front of the fireplace, Tommy.
3. Guess what kid, Santa’s got a toy light saber in his pants.
2. Mrs. Clause, those batteries are for the children’s toys!
1. I got your stocking stuffer right here, Sweetheart.
A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus… A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
The Top 18 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa”
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa”
11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
17. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
18. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
Holiday Shopping Fun
Do all you other shopping first, then before you leave (with many bags in hand), visit the glassware stores, swinging your bags haphazardly around. Don’t hit anything, but just enjoy the faces of the employees around you.
For the men: After you haven’t shaved for a couple of days, spend about half-an-hour browsing in the local cutlery store, staring intently (this works better if you own a postal uniform).
Drive around the parking lot at night with your lights off. Then when you come to some shoppers leaving after a long and tiresome night of shopping, quickly turn your lights on and watch the merryment.
Have you stubbed your toe recently? Gotten a paper cut? Then you’re disabled! Grap a wheelchair and get shopping! The mall is never too congested.
Have you forgotten your ATM PIN? Then now’s a perfect time to get money from the ATMs in the mall. Just because you have to try every number combination you can think of, it doesn’t give the people behind you the right to get impatient.
Simple advice: You’re never too old to sit on Santa’s lap (and if they say you are then just have a hissy-fit like everyone else).
If it looks like a type of clothing is about to be sold out… buy the last of it! It doesn’t matter if it won’t fit anyone on your gift list, they can always return it later.
Just because you’ve spent two hours with a salesperson going over every detail about a product doesn’t mean you have to buy it. The salespeople are more than happy to serve.
“You break it, you buy it” doesn’t apply if they didn’t see you (and it especially doesn’t apply in electronics stores).
Have visiting guests that you have to entertain? Well what’s better than dropping them off at the mall during peak hours. They’ll thank you for showing them first-hand the festive color of your local community.
When eating at the mall’s food court, your bags should never have to touch the ground. Always place them in the seats of the table you’re sitting at—even if they use up 10 chairs.
Many gift wrapping areas in the mall are run by local high schools. These provide chances for the students to learn about job situations while providing you with your packages nicely wrapped. Help add to their learning experience by only having them wrap your odd-shaped gifts. Items such as gift baskets or stuffed animals are best.
The people who put up those “No Smoking” signs are insane. Light’em up.
Many people find that shopping with children is a troublesome experience. However, the easy thing to do is to leave them at the toy store, they’ll find lots of things to do. And if this doesn’t work, the lost children’s booth with watch them till you’re done with your shopping.
Ask the salesperson for an item that they do not carry in their store (yet is sold in the store across the way). After the salesperson’s explained to you for the fourth time that they don’t carry that item, leave, and send in your friends, on by one, to perform the same ritual you just did. Repeat as often as is joyful.
- suggested by Joe Savino
When you just can’t decide on purchasing an item, ask your shoulder. Then disagree with his/her opinion.
- suggested by Dave
Hint: Your shopping doesn’t have to end just because the mall closes.
Another Hint: If you have kleptomaniacs in the family, let them do all your shopping, they always find the best discounts.
You Might Be A Scrooge If…
• you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
• you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
• you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
• you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
• your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
• your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
• you think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.
• your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
• you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
• your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing his Christmas lawn characters with eggnog.
• your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
Twas The Night Before Christmas – Parents
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat
- let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
“Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with “assembly required” till morning’s first light
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there’s something to say for those self-deluded-
I’d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Didn’t Like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Well, well, well …
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think — I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you didn’t like:
1. “I really don’t deserve this.”
Things You Can Only Say At Christmas
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5: I’ve never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10: Don’t play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19: I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more.
Guide To Fucking Grammar
PLEASE FUCKING PAY ATTENTION.
They’re = they fucking are.
Their = shows fucking possession.
There = specifies a fucking location.
You’re = you fucking are.
Your = shows fucking possession.
We’re = we fucking are.
Were = past fucking tense of “are”.
Where = specifies a fucking location.
Than = a fucking comparison.
Then = a fucking point in time.
To = where it’s fucking going.
Too = an excessive fucking amount.
Two = a fucking number.
It’s = it fucking is.
Its = shows fucking possession.
Now you fucking know, so get it fucking right!
Tweets From Women
Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realize everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow
I like my men like i like my coffee: just kidding i don’t like men
There was a lost bro at the train station this morning. I put a little bowl of Gatorade out for him & alerted the nearest frat.
If you’re a male pundit critiquing a woman’s weight you should have to do it shirtless in front of an audience of women three roses deep
Oh, my blush? it’s called “i’ve had five glasses of wine”
Sometimes I think I am confident but last night I instinctively apologized to stairs so there is still the tiniest bit of room for growth
[1789, woman opens beautifully wrapped hand delivered message] Oh my…yet another gentleman caller has sent me his penis portrait…
I need to stop doing Parkour thru my house. This Ikea furniture can’t handle me.
In what section of my resume do I put drinking wine in the shower special skills or work experience
Finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Are we all ready to admit that “don’t tell ANYONE” means you can tell exactly one person
White dudes who go jogging after 11 PM are just bragging.
8 years later, which Sex and the City character are you? I am the myth that writing one weekly column can financially sustain you.
“Where’d you meet him?”
“On the Internet. I fell in love with him because of the delicate care he used to explain my joke back to me.”
There’s a special place in hell for girls who don’t tell other girls where they bought their outfit.
You can complain all you want about women taking selfies; we aren’t the ones naming our children our own exact fucking names.
You Tube is great when you want to learn anyone can be famous but most people shouldn’t be.
Who else panics when they’re stopped next to a school bus because teens could possibly be in there roasting you
Behind every strong woman is 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second
Used my #womancard at the ATM today. Tried to withdrawal $100, but the machine gave me $79.
I need to be able to sing the line “who runs the world” and immediately hear “girls” or honestly I don’t feel safe in that space
Sorry I can’t come to your party. The one shirt I feel cute in is dirty; there’s literally nothing I can do.
Look it’s fine to troll me but don’t you dare put yr hateful email in Comic Sans
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
This Guy Went Undercover To See What It’s *Really* Like Online For Women Because People Don’t Take Them At Their Word Anyway He’s A Hero
Adulthood is emailing “sorry for the delayed response!” back and forth until one of you dies
Life hack: if you cry in your uber pool they don’t pick anyone else up
As a transgender woman, I can empathize with online trolls because I, too, have an extremely tiny dick.
I saw my legacy revealed today when my kid stopped on our walk home to dig a candy wrapper out of a leaf pile “in case there was any left.”
I feel like “Autumn” is just Fall’s stripper stage name
If you’re anxious and you know it clap your hands (but not too loudly because that might cause other people to view you as a disturbance)
Ladies: the day after Halloween, don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile
ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.
I’m not an asshole, I’m just alt-nice.
Jesus be a bottle of wine with a really, really tall straw inside
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Cat: omg ew ur obsessed with me