Too Many Dating Apps
Love, Lust, & Marriage
LOVE – - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST – - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE – - when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care.
LOVE – - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST – - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE – - when you argue over money.
LOVE – - when you share everything you own.
LUST – - when you think twice about giving your partner half of your sandwich.
MARRIAGE – - when the bank owns everything.
LOVE – - when you phone each other just to say “Hello”.
LUST – - when you phone each other just to arrange sex.
MARRIAGE – - when you phone each other to find out what time your son’s game starts.
LOVE – - when you write poems about the one you love.
LUST – - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE – - when all you write are checks.
LOVE – - when you show concern for your true love’s feelings.
LUST – - when you don’t give a darn.
MARRIAGE – - when your only concern is what’s next on TV.
LOVE – - when your farewell is “I love you darling …”
LUST – - when your farewell is “So, same time next week?”
MARRIAGE – - when your farewell is silent.
LOVE – - when you are proud to be seen in public with your true love.
LUST – - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE – - when you never see each other awake.
LOVE – - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST – - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE – - when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE – - when nobody else matters.
LUST – - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE – - when everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.
LOVE – - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST – - when it’s just the same mushy old junk.
MARRIAGE – - when you never listen to music.
LOVE – - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST – - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE – - when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE – - when you’re interested in everything your partner does.
LUST – - when you’re only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE – - when you’re not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you’re interested in is your golf score.
Harold The Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
‘So, what was wrong?’
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An ID ten T Error?
What’s that? In case I need to fix it again?’
Harold grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold…
Things We’d Like To See On Company Motivational Posters
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It’s only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6) If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the “k” in “kwality”
9) If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
13) Abandon All Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking “You want fries with that?”
17) Plagiarism saves time.
18) If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
19) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
20) This can’t go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years
21) Never quit until you have another job.
22) TEAMWORK … means never having to take all the blame yourself.
A Driving School Test
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
The Ultimate Farting Guide
The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the world’s leading fartology organizations.
1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an “I can’t do it!” frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when it’s release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, “Just let it happen… its ok…”
2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you’re a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you’re partly on your way. If you’re older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbors farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV… Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? It’s about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don’t assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.
3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the body’s ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Let’s travel forth and delve into the world of position and location…
Leg Lift “Elevator” Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side – never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.
Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.
Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.
“Imperial” Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).
Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.
Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse the mind and cause “dyer” consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.
Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating “brown air” that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.
Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.
Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store after Christmas day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the “ass pounding” position you take when getting the quote to have your car’s transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for “customer service” counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.
Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.
Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.
All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, it’s all about position, location and a “can-do” attitude!
I’m hoping these ads did not come out the way the person who placed them wanted them to.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. – Those waitresses’ forms look pretty good to me too!
Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. – Children…the cheaper meat
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. – As long as your lover isn’t the same age as the bed I’d say go for it!
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. – What am I going to do with an extra pair of ears?
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. – Do those operators really need all 50 strippers?
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. – What are you going to have all those unmarried girls do during the day?
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. – Tearing my clothes by hand would make it much easier to fix.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. – I’d love to clean you too!
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. – These children are so tasty even dogs like to eat them.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. – So what do you do in a bed that’s athletic?
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. – If all she’s wearing is stockings would you really call that fancy?
We build bodies that last a lifetime. – If they don’t we’ll give you double your money back.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! – At least were honest about cheating you!
Things Television Has Taught Us
1. The police are smart.
2. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
3. All Asian people know Karate.
4. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
5. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
6. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
7. Indians make good cannon fodder.
8. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
9. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC’s.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
10. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
11. No one farts, except after eating beans.
12. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
13. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
14. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
15. Movies based on true stories are made up.
16. Police never wait for back-up.
17. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
18. Private detective work is glamorous.
19. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
Redneck Computer Terms
Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code – Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern.
Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.
Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache – Needed when you go to da store.
Chip – Yer cusin’s uncle’s mother’s boyfriend’s name.
Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.
Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette – A female Disco dancer.
Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac – Big Bob’s favorite fast food.
Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom – Where the pope lives.
Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor – Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
Scsi – What you call your week-old underwear.
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
• No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
• If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
• If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
• Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
• If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
• If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
• Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
• The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
• The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
• The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
“Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”
“I souport publik edekasion”
“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”
“Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog.-Dorothy.”
“Cover me. I’m changing lanes.”
“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”
“Work is for people who don’t know how to fish”
“Montana — At least our cows are sane!”
“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”