Joke hell! This is happening for real!
Kid Tries To Buy A Condom
We Just Have A Few Corrections On FOX
During a Fox & Friends sketch on SNL Weekend Update Thursday, Vanessa Bayer ended the segment saying the show’s fact checkers have “one or two corrections from the first two hours of the show,” before a scrolling list appeared. If you didn’t quite catch them all or were too lazy to rewind your DVR, you’re in luck. Check out the full list of “corrections” below.
The Bible was not a movie first.
Stalactites are not a childhood disease.
Iowa City never elected Mayor McCheese.
Allegra is not a religion.
Jeremy Lin was traded, not deported.
The sun and the moon do not high-five as they pass each other.
Vaginas don’t look like that
A dead person’s skull does not contain their memories.
Ron Paul is one person.
Not all cats are gay.
The Atlanta Hawks are a team, not an infestation.
Ellen Degeneres never married a car.
Benedict Arnold was not a character on Different Strokes.
A wind turbine has never cut off the head of a pretty girl in a convertible.
The Tasmanian Devil is not the president of Tasmania.
Star Wars is essentially a work of fiction.
Al Gore never claimed to invent Nintendo.
Hawaii does not rotate every six months.
Neil Armstrong was not the first person to moon someone.
The Keystone Pipeline is not filled with Keystone Light.
Swiss banks are not “full of holes.”
Camp David does not have a sister camp called Camp Denise.
Oogielovie is not a sexually transmitted disease.
They did not make Mars after the Mars Rover.
Monica Lewinsky was never in an internment camp.
Six comes after five.
Kim Jong-Un is not the CEO of Yahoo.
Left-handed people cannot read your thoughts.
Lobsters are not “ocean spiders.”
Cat Fancy is a magazine, not a man/cat dating website.
The U.S. Postal Service never released a Kesha stamp.
“F” is not a blood type.
Parsley is not one of the Spice Girls.
Usain Bolt is not a new action movie starring John C. Reilly.
Libor is not a giant praying mantis.
Old Navy is not one of the armed forces.
The letters in “Massachusetts” cannot be rearranged to spell “same sex marriage.”
Crabs don’t breastfeed.
Animal Planet is not an acceptable nickname for Telemundo.
Marco Rubio does not play for the Timberwolves.
Al Jazeera is not the co-host of “Tool Time.”
Babies never “skip ahead” to being 10.
Angela Merkel is not a palindrome.
You can’t outrun polio.
The Negro League is not “back and better than ever.”
Latin inches is not the Mexican metric system.
The Russian national anthem is not the U.S. national anthem played backwards.
Rocky never fought Lassie.
In case you haven’t guessed, they didn’t make any of these up.
Well What You Do?
A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man.
“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”
“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”
The fella ponders for a moment, and then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.”
Things NOT To Say On Dates For Guys
1. “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?”
2. “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”
3. “No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.”
4. “I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”
5. “People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.”
6. “I used to come here all the time with my ex.”
7. “I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.”
8. “Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.”
9. “I like clay. It’s mushy.”
10. “I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”
11. “And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.”
12. “I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.”
13. “It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”
14. “Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground… Man! I never knew Jehovah’s Witnesses could run that fast.”
I Wondered What Idiot Man Paid For This Study
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Stupidity In The Courtroom
How does legal abuse become especially outrageous? Read on.
• A man illegally brought a gun into a bar, got injured in a fight, and then sued the bar for not searching him for a weapon.
• Kids sued their mother for sending birthday cards without gifts.
• A woman disagreed with a store over an 80-cent refund and then sued for $5 million.
• A convict sued a couple he had kidnapped for not helping him evade police.
• A mother filed suit against an exclusive preschool over her child’s college prospects.
• A woman sued a theater over a movie trailer, saying there wasn’t enough driving in “Drive”.
• A mom sued Chuck E. Cheese’s, arguing that the restaurant’s video games encouraged gambling in children.
Reason To Loathe Technology
I don’t shop online, because I don’t own a computer.
My belief is they haven’t completed inventing computers yet. Why?
Because they don’t work. If they worked, not every business in the world would have a department to fix them.
They don’t have a department to fix pencils.
In The Classroom
Some teachers are good and some are bad.
+ Good teachers and staffers at Columbus Elementary School in Corry, Pennsylvania, volunteered to work for free after the district cut the school’s funding.
- Bad teachers and principals in 44 Atlanta public schools corrected students’ answers on standardized tests in a massive grade-inflation scheme.
+ A good teacher in Mexico distracted her kindergarten class by coaxing them to lie down and sing songs while a gun battle raged outside.
- A bad teacher at Hastings High School in Michigan poured hot tea on two students who wouldn’t stop fighting. (Are you sure this was a bad teacher?)
+ A good principal at a Las Vegas high school spent several Saturdays going door-to-door and talking to students’ parents in an effort to encourage dropouts to return to school.
- A bad gym teacher in Denver faked a bomb threat to avoid going to work.
+ A good music teacher in Louisville, Kentucky, rescued musical instruments she found in her school’s supply closet and used them to start a student percussion ensemble.
- A bad teacher forced her Queens, New York, fifth graders to make holiday cards for her incarcerated boyfriend.
+ A good teacher will spend an average of $356 of his or her own money on educational products for the classroom. (A bad government forces teachers to use there own money to teach children. When was the last job you had where your boss told you had to buy your own computer in order to do work for him?)
- A bad special education teacher in Bainbridge, Indiana, posts on her Facebook page, “I love dumb people. I call it job security.” (Well I guess that’s better then the teachers who slept with their students.)
40 Years Of Marriage
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…..
You’re Stuck Between The Baby Boomers And Generations X’ers if…
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.
3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don’t make me repeat it…)
4. You ever rang someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark!”
5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.
6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince’s “1999″ until you passed out partying.
9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
12. You’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger…When I was your age…You know, back when…
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what’s your function….).
14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either “Crazy for You” or “Leather and Lace”.
16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
17. The phrase “Where’s the beef?” still doubles you over with laughter.
18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie “TRON”.
19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.
20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80′s became something which can only be described by the phrase, “I was experimenting.”
21. You’ve shopped at a Benetton.
The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said “Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we’re going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?”
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said “Please tell us what the resurrection is”.
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, stood up said in a clear loud voice…”When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!”
It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten – but that boy’s voice won’t be.