Friday Fun Stuff – 11-4-11

The Most Raunchy Skittles Commercial You Will Ever See

Not suited for children, small minds, and people who have no sense of humor.

10 Ways To Get Fired

Funny Interview Answers

Q: Why did you leave your last job?
A: It sucked.

Q: What are your biggest weaknesses?
A: I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.

Q: You don’t seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you’ll stay here any longer than you’ve stayed elsewhere?
A: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees.

Q: How do you handle change?
A: I deal with it everyday, unless I’m out of clean underwear.

Q: How do you get along with others?
A: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.

Q: What does the word success mean to you?
A: It means that I don’t have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.

Q: What does the word failure mean to you?
A: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.

Q:  Do you get along with your current boss?
A: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.

Q:  Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
A: I don’t get angry, I get even.

Q: What brought you to our company?
A: Oh, I drove myself.

A Fashion Statement

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.  This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Funny Travel Quotes

Travel pillows
“Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.” — Jim Gaffigan, comedian

“The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.” — Britney Spears, American pop star

American tourists
“There’s nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.” — Stephen Colbert, talk show host

Flight delays
“People say there’s delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there.
“Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you’re home.” — Louis C.K., comedian

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” — George Carlin, comedian

“My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I’m thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.” — Dennis Miller, talk show host

Passport photos
“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.” — Al Gore, environmental activist

Long-haul flights
“You want to know what its like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.” — Lewis Black, comedian

“People come back from flights and tell you a story like it’s a horror story. They act like their flight was like a cattle car in the 1940s in Germany.
“That’s how bad they make it sound. They’re like, ‘It was the worst day of my life. We didn’t board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.’
Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?’” — Louis C.K, comedian

New Zealand
“Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know — because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.” — Lewis Black, comedian

Airline food
“[Airline food] is the tiniest food I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get — chicken, steak, anything — has grill marks on each side, like somehow we’ll actually believe there’s an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.” — Ellen DeGeneres, talk show host

Airport sinks
“What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet.
“Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets.
“What is it they think we will do? Turn ‘em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?” — Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

“They tell you to go to gate? At the airport I’ve seen doors, halls, seating areas, but there isn’t a single F*$%ing gate at the airport.”
“Then this smiling Stewardess takes your ticket and tells you to get on the plane. Screw you! Evel Kinevil can get ON the plane, I’m getting IN the plane.” — George Carlin

About Whiskey

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):

“If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle.”

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
3. Horton Hires a Ho
4. Fox in Detox
5. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo–Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Are You My Proctologist?
12. Yentl the Lentil
13. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
14. Aunts in My Pants
15. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
16. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
17. The Grinch’s Ten Inches

Latest Darwin Awards

It’s that time again. The DARWIN Awards are out. The annual honor is given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year’s winner was a real rocket scientist… HONESTLY! Read on…And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY!!! And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. ‘The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,’ Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was ‘Major trauma.’

Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc…  After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers.

And Now, for the winner of this year’s Darwin Award:

(As always, awarded posthumously): The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.  The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.  The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.  However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You just couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

9. Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop”.
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

Why Marry?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
‘Husband Wanted’.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
‘You can have mine.’

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’

A young son asked,
‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’

Then there was a woman who said,
‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.’

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’

‘A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’

The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut up.’

Priceless Teddy Bear

The Picture That Will Stay with Her the Rest of Her Life
No Wonder the Teddy Bear Is Smiling………haha

Make-up and Hair style…………..$500.00
New Dress for the show…………$70000.00
Giant Stuffed Bear………………….$300.00

Not knowing how to hold a Teddy Bear with a microphone in your hand…….Priceless……..!

Hey Mom Look What I Got For Holloween!

Now Do You Know Why People Are Camped Out On Wall Street

If You Need This To Shave You’ve Got Bigger Problems Then Shaving

This One Speaks For Itself

What, You Couldn’t Find The Kitchen Sink?

I Was Wondering Why I Was The Only Bidder

So You Won’t Retun My Rake Huh?

Uhh, What The Hell!

So Little Sister. Do You Believe In Voodoo?

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