Tim Hawkins- Old Rock Star Songs
Classic TOM & JERRY
Fun Things To Do When Driving
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Head bang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are 3hree kinds of boobs:
In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Only In America…
…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
…do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
We laugh but her I.D. is safe.
During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
“Hullo!!!! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.”
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale……. Cheap………..no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight … One Lung At A Time!
Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking…I Gave Up Reading.
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn’t Need Glasses… He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick, Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.
Sign In A Bar: “Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.”
Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don’t Stand In Her Way.
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber’s Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.
A Traffic Slogan: Don’t Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.
Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.
Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don’t Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother!
The Male Cycle
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Very Impressive Interview Questions And Answers
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all it is already built.
Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: No Problem, He sleeps at night.
Q: What looks like half apple?
A: The other half.
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast?
Q: What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.
Q: Bay of Bengal is in which state?
Q: what is the opposite of Nag Panchmi?
A: Nag did not punch me
Ways To Identify An Idiot
(1) He spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said, “concentrate”.
(2) He puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
(3) He gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
(4) He sends a fax with a stamp on it.
(5) He tries to drown a fish.
(6) If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you’d get change.
(7) He trips over a cordless phone.
(8) He takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
(9) At the bottom of the application where it says “Sign Here”, he puts “Sagittarius”.
(10) He takes 2 hours to watch “60 minutes”.
(11) He invents a solar powered flashlight.
(12) He heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he moves.
(13) He misses the No. 14 Bus, and takes the 7 twice instead.
(14) He takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport left”, and he turned around and went home.
(15) He got locked in a furniture shop but sleeps on the floor.
(16) He spends time reading thru the above 15 points and analyses if he is an idiot!!!
What Causes Arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Of Course Protesting Works
Throughout History Males Have Been Doing Stupid Tricks To Attract Females…Unfortunately She Wasn’t Even Looking
Just The Thing For That Drunk Driver Who’s Constantly On The Go!
This Was Bound To Happen Sooner Or Later
Who Do You Think The Real Boss Of This House Is?
It’s Not That I Don’t Want To Marry You Honey I Just Lost It I Swear!
To Bad That Doesn’t Mean Anything In Real Life
Dude She Must Have Been Really Pissed
Think This Franchise Is Owned By A Republican?