Not A Good Sign
You Need A “Girlfriend”!
Don’t be fooled! The side affects are pretty harsh,
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female…Any part under a car’s hood.
b. male…The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female…Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
b. male…Playing any sport without a “cup.”
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female…The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
b. male…Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female…The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
b. male…What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female…A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male…Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female…A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male…Anything that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female…An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male…An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female…The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male…Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female…A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male…A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female…An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner’s attention.
b. male…6 months off from spending time with what’s her name.
Best Excuse Ever
This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.
Heard from the head of HR of a large bank, that the best excuse for absenteeism he had ever received in his career of almost 22 years. It was from a female employee at their bank’s head quarters in Mumbai.
He says when the lady, was questioned as to why she remained absent the previous day, she simply replied…….
“But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra! Now how could I have left him all alone at home…with the house-maid? ”
I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.”
I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over.
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.
I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.
I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.
I’m sick of Heather Mills. Now that she’s divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leopard. They can rub their stumps together.
I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.
I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.
My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.”
Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.
My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!”
I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won’t trust him to wash it.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
If I Lean A Little, Let Me!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said…..
‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……
‘Bastards won’t let me fart’.
More Car Insurance Statements
Not only can’t theses people drive, they can’t write either.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The Night Nurse
The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
“Well, that’s great….that’s just great….Some asshole’s got my pen!”
What Happens When A Fly Falls Into A Coffee Cup?
The Frenchman – throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage
The Italian – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee
The Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee
The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union for a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are trying to explain to the Israeli why he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
An Eighth Grade Education In 1895
Could you pass this???
What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895…
Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education?
Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS – 1895
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of ‘lie, Play,’ and ‘run.’
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 – 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time, 1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, and syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: digraph, sub vocals, diphthong, cognate letters, lingual?
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u.’ (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e.’ Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspin Wall, and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.
Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying ‘he only had an 8th grade education’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?!
Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don’t have the answers!
It All Began With An iPhone…
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her aniRon.
It was around then that the fight started…
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
Is That Better Then Tomatoes In Agony
This Sounded Like Such A Good Idea At The Time
What, You Didn’t Think Giving It All Away To Charity Was A Good Enough F@*#k You!!!
This Is Either A Really Good Idea, Or A Really Bad One
Is That Leagal?
And You Were Wondering Why You Couldn’t Get Insurance For This Job
It Didn’t Tast Like Chicken Did It?
Trampolines Are Good Exercise For Everyone
When It Absolutely Has To Work
This Is A Lot More Fun Then When We Had Horses!
Don’t Worry Were Video Taping The Whole Thing…We Play It At Parties