Girl Points System
Reasons Alcohol Should Be Allowed At Work:
1) It’s an incentive to show up.
2) It reduces stress.
3) It leads to more honest communications.
4) It reduces complaints about low pay.
5) It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6) Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7) It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8) It encourages carpooling.
9) Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10) It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11) It makes fellow employees look better.
12) It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13) Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14) Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15) Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16) Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17) It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18) Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19) Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20) Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21) The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
22) Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
23) Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
24) Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
Indians Are Helpful
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.
“Nothing,” the woman answered. “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
• A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.—Charles R. Darwin
• A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief”. —Franz Kafka
• An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed. —Elbert Hubbard
• An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today. —Laurence J. Peter
• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. —Mark Twain
• A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
• A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody look at her, looks at everybody.
• A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
• A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.
• A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
• A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
• A philosopher is a person who doesn’t have a job but at least understands why.
• A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
• A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about things he doesn’t know.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
• A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.
• An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
• An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.
• An archaeologist is a person who’s career lies in ruins.
• An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
• An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly — or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice – once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
1. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
2. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
3. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
4. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
10. I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
15. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
19. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
22. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
23. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 2?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.”
29. Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
30. Earth is full. Go home.
31. Is it time for your medication or mine?
32. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33. I plead contemporary insanity.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
37. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
40. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth
41. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
42. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
43. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What’s Your Major
At some point during your professional career, you may be called upon to hire someone. When they are straight out of college, it’s difficult to determine how they think. Hopefully this list will give you some insight and help you hire the right mind.
The Philosophy graduate asks: “Why does it work?”
The Engineering graduate asks: “How does it work?”
The Marketing graduate asks: “Who will buy it?”
The Communications graduate asks: “What can I write about it?”
The Accounting graduate asks: “How much will it cost?”
The Industrial Management graduate asks: “How can we make it?”
The Human Resources graduate asks: “Who will make it?”
The Liberal Arts graduate asks: “Do you want fries with that?”
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Social Worker: It crossed the road to be able to understand both sides.
An actuary: It looked in the file and that’s what it did last year.
A consultant: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Our consulting firm, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), we helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive here was.
Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
A “Kinder, Gentler System”
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft’s operating systems, Sony’s president said, “We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry.” The chairman went on to give examples of Sony’s new error messages:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
You Might Be A Schoolteacher If…
· You have no time for a life from August to June.
· You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!”
· When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
· You refer to adults as “boys and girls.”
· You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a “good helper.”
· You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
· Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”
· You believe “extremely annoying” should have its own box on the report card.
· You know hundred good reasons for being late.
· You don’t want children of your own because there isn’t a name you can hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.