Katy Perry Votes Naked
2016 Political Jokes
“Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he’s going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media’s talking about is emails. It’s like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration.” –Seth Meyers
“Oh, Donald Trump, the media is not ‘rigged’ against you.
They’re just recording what you say and playing it back. If anything, you’re rigging your own campaign.” –Trevor Noah
“NBC suspended Billy Bush for his words on the Trump tape, which means there is currently a higher standard for host for third hour of the Today Show than there is for the Republican nominee for president.” –Seth Meyers
“You started your campaign by accusing Mexicans of being rapists.
Now you’re on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way you could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish.” –Michael Che on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”
“Trump denied the (groping) allegations, calling them ‘ludicrous’ at a rally today. But here’s the problem for Trump: There’s very good reason to believe he did what he’s accused of. Why? Because an irrefutable, inside source told us so: Donald Trump. Donald Trump is his own Deep Throat. He’s Creep Throat.” –Seth Meyers
“Tonight, President Obama is going to make a speech trying to convince people to vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Donald Trump. It’s a speech entitled, ‘I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary.’” –Conan O’Brien
“The first sentence of Bill Clinton’s speech was “In the spring of 1971, I met a girl.” You can imagine the relief in the room when they realized he was talking about Hillary.” –Conan O’Brien
“NASA said this week it has received a record high number of 18,000 applications for their astronaut training program. NASA said it shows a growing interest in space exploration. Then people said, “Nah, we just wanna get off the planet before this election.’” –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump said, ‘I love the poorly educated.’ Trump then said, ‘And when I’m president there’ll be more of them than ever.’” –Conan O’Brien
1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII
2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson
3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown
4. George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown
5. If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain
6. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. —Joseph Stalin
7. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. —George Carlin
8.The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. —Karl Marx
9. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown
10. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen
11. If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them. —Juan Cole
12. Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide. —Joseph P. Kennedy
13. By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he’s been bought ten times over. —Gore Vidal
14. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. —J. O’Rourke
15. In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy. —Matt Taibbi
16. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. —George Carlin
17. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. —Winston Churchill
18. Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. —Isaac Asimov
19. Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. —Gore Vidal
20. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. —Bill Vaughan
21. If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. —Orson Scott Card
22. A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. —James Freeman Clarke
• If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno~
• The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII~
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~
• If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers~
• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev~
• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow~
• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton~
• Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author unknown~
• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer~
• I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Tex Guinan~
• I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle~
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson~
• There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen. ~Will Rogers~
School Answering Machine
(This is hilarious – no wonder some people were offended!) but I think it should be on all Schools’ recorders !!!
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
* To complain about what we do – Press 3
* To swear at staff members – Press 4
* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
* To complain about school lunches – Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
Things She Can Say To End The Date
10. Looking through her purse she says, “Damnit! I’m out of chewing tobacco already.”
9. “I’m glad we’re going out. I’ve got 3 kids at home who need a Dad.”
8. “You’re exactly the kind of guy I would have hung out with back when I was a dude.”
7. “You smell kinda wierd for a fat guy.”
6. “My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol with penicillin, so I won’t be drinking tonight.”
5. “My last relationship ended sort of badly, but thankfully the judge ruled it was a justifiable homicide.”
4. Scratching her head, she says, “Geez, just when you think the lice is gone for good…”
3. “Did I tell you my Aunt Betty died in this bed?”
2. “I hope you’re a better lover than your brother was.”
1. “I think being sexually active since I was 11 has helped me mature.”
The Top Courses At Superhero College
CULINARY ARTS 107: Garlic Breath — the Hidden Super Power
ETHICS 260: Comparative Philosophies on Acting as an Agent of Justice in a Rapidly Evolving World of Increasing Complexity and Moral Ambiguity (Prerequisite: Intermediate Ass-Whupping)
PHYSICAL EDUCATION 203: Controlling Atomic Flatulence
ETHICS 221: Using Your Powers to Benefit a Stupid, Ungrateful Public Rather Than Robbing Banks, Extorting Governments, and Flying Unsuspecting Supermodels to Your Fortress of Solitude
SOCIOLOGY 403: Why Johnny Can’t Fly — The problems of super offspring in 21st Century Society
PSYCHOLOGY 401: Why You’ll Never Be As Popular As Superman
SECRET IDENTITIES 107: Throw Away Those Glasses! Really. Concealing Your Identity with Colored Contacts and Mousse
HISTORY 302: A Historical Overview of Victorian-Era Salon Poets and How You Could Crush Any of Those Absinthe-Drinking Pansies With Just One Twitch of Your Immensely Powerful Nostrils
WEAPONRY 332: Duck! — Lethal Characteristics of the Thrown, Unloaded Handgun
SUPER POWERS 312: Invisibility (attendance mandatory, roll will be called)
SECRET IDENTITIES 217: Keeping your Secret Identity a Secret — Taught by Winslow Anderson, a.k.a. Captain America…Aw, CRAP!
What Engineers Really Mean
Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried.
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws.
Engineer says: We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of university.
Engineer says: Close project co-ordination.
Engineer means: We know who to blame.
Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough.
Engineer means: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get it delivered.
Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
Engineer means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying.
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit.
Engineer says: It is in process.
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless.
Engineer says: We’ll look into it.
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Engineer says: Please read and initial.
Engineer means: Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.
Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
Engineer means: We’ll listen to what you say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.
Engineer says: Give us your interpretation.
Engineer means: I can’t wait to hear this!
Engineer says: See me/Let’s Discuss.
Engineer means: Come into my office, I’m lonely.
Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Engineer says: Rugged.
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!
Engineer says: Lightweight.
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged.
Engineer says: Years of development.
Engineer means: One finally worked.
Engineer says: Energy saving.
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off.
Engineer says: Low maintenance.
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken.
Three Day Silence
My wife has not spoken to me in three days.
I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”
“What’s the matter”? I asked.
“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”
“That’ll teach them!” I replied.
Performance Evaluation Translations
• Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
• Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
• Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
• Should go far: Please.
• Slightly below average: Stupid.
• Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
• Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
• Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
• Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
• Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
• Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
• Takes pride in work: Conceited.
• Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
• Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
• Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
• Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
• Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
• Well organized: Does too much busywork.
• Will go far: Relative of management.
• Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money.
• Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
Top Signs Your Waiter Is Having A Bad Day
• “Well you didn’t say you wanted it cooked!”
• He just doesn’t have the same bright, optimistic smile now that he did a few years ago on the cover of Time Magazine’s “Dot Com Successes” issue.
• There’s a healthy pink glow peeking out from behind the goth makeup.
• When you ask for fresh pepper, she pulls out a can from her purse and sprays you right between the eyes.
• When asked if the chef makes his own pasta, she replies, “No, but he does like to pretend he’s in love with you for a few weeks, sleep with you, then tell you that this relationship has run its course and he’d like to concentrate on his career.”
• “You want the specials? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE SPECIALS!!!”
• Your pupu platter contains real poo.
• The other waiters: Towels draped elegantly over their arms.
Him: Towel tied around his leg as a tourniquet.
• Writes down your order with his bloody finger stump.
• Unlike the good old days, he doesn’t even go back in the kitchen to spit on your food.
• Asks for your help in hawking loogies into table 17′s Cesar salad before he serves it.
• Flaming Shish-kabob behind his ear, hungry customer gnawing on a #2 pencil.