Painfully Accurate Drug Commercial
Retired Husband At Wal-Mart
Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below:
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton
Complaints – Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:
1. June 15: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And; last, but not least!
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
I Won’t Be Coming To Work Today Because:
1. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
4. I’m stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen’s.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.
“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”
“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.
“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.”
“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”
“Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.”
“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”
Old Is When……..
Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
A sexy woman catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
“Getting a little action” means, “I don’t need to take any fiber today.”
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
An “all nighter” means not getting up to go use the bathroom!
“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
Martha Stewart’s Tips For Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table…no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.”
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Universal Grade Change Form
To: Professor ________________
I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The person(s) who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
____________The Mickey Mouse Club
____________Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _______________.
______5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
______6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don’t have a reason. I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
____________too detailed to pick out important points
____________not explained in sufficient detail
____________all jokes and not enough material
____________all of the above
_____17. This course was:
____________too early, I was not awake
____________at lunchtime, I was hungry
____________too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate / wet on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other ___________________________________________________
Senior Manager’s Creed
• I believe that anything worth doing or researching has been done to death already
• I know that all “down-sizing” and/or “right-sizing” should be performed at the middle management level
• I shall never move too quickly on any matter, since that makes me subject to errors and/or miscalculation
• I will not rush into any job without forming at least three Break-Thru teams to study the problem
• I shall meet all of my deadlines in proportion to the amount of grief I could expect to receive from the Administrator for missing them
• I shall feverishly resist all attempts at political influence, unless the source is from within the current party in power
• I believe that all of tomorrow’s new technologies, astounding discoveries and ground-breaking approaches are suspect
• I truly believe that all deadlines given me are unreasonable, arbitrary and subject to extensions as the need arises
• I also believe that all deadlines I impose are for the sake of expediency only and are necessary to maintain productivity
• I truly believe if at first I don’t succeed, there will always be plenty of subordinates or budget limitations to blame
• I’ll remember that Napoleon is now a cake and Bismarck is a herring in order to feign humbleness
• I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind, in which case my decision shall be semi-final
• I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word just as soon as my workload permits
• I will never put off tomorrow, what can be forgotten via a blizzard of memos, study groups and then shelved forever
• I will never commit to any new concept without first determining what position the Administrator holds on the issue
• I will resist all attempts to implement employee incentives since they’re already receiving a salary for their work
• I shall endeavor to schedule or attend as many meetings as possible to insure my indispensableness
• I shall firmly adhere to the principle of maintaining employee morale using veiled hints of termination
• I shall insist that all facets of Total Quality Management be maintained, except for the implementation phase
An old man went to town and on his way home he sat to rest. An old friend walking by recognized the old man and stopped to inquire about how he was doing.”
I just bought a three bedroom, one and a half bath, brick home. And, I more recently remarried to a blonde, 30 years my junior. Then the old man suddenly burst out into an uncontrollable sob followed by big crocodile tears.
“What’s the matter? the friend asked, with all your good fortune lately what have you got to cry about?
The old man replies, “I forget where I live!”
Things Computers Can Do In Movies
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don’t have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, “ACCESS THE SECRET FILES” on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS”. (See “Fortress”.)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer even if it’s turned off.
10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
14. You may bypass “PERMISSION DENIED” message by using the “OVERRIDE” function. (See “Demolition Man”.)
15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See “Clear and Present Danger”).
19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See “Independence Day”.)
21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See “Aliens”.)
23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the “SELF-DESTRUCT” button.
24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See “Alien” or “2001″.)
27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See “Mission Impossible”, Tom Cruise searches with keywords like “file” and “computer” and 3 results are returned.)
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both like dominance games.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Neither understands what you see in cats.