Try Not To Laugh!!!
Helpful Hints From Police Officers
Police officers see and hear some pretty strange stuff in the field. The following tips are submitted by a police officer in Beaumont, Texas, based on things he and some of his buddies have actually encountered, at work:
1. If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot, do pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
2. Don’t invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed, if you have a pile of dope on the table in plain view.
3. When you go on a burglary spree, do ensure you have enough gas in your truck to drive away from your crime scene.
4. “But I know the people who live here,” is not a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
5. When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test, don’t say, “Well, Hell, I can’t do that sober!” on camera and then plead, not guilty.
6. If you are going to steal a car, do pick one that will blend in traffic, better than a pearl white 6-door limo.
7. Don’t answer a question with the phrase, “Who me?”, when the only people in a ten mile radius are you and the police officer.
8. Don’t repeat the question that the officer just asked. That is a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are about to lie through your teeth.
9. Don’t say, “I ain’t got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?”, before the officer even introduces himself on the traffic stop.
10. Do pick an alias you can spell, before you lie to the police about your name.
11. Do ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give, when lying about your birthday.
12. When you attempt to drop your crack cocaine on the ground when approached by an officer, don’t bounce said crack off the toe of the officer’s boot.
13. Do come up with something better to say than, “These aren’t my pants,” when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
14. Don’t ask an off duty plain clothes officer, in his privately owned vehicle, for a ride away from your crime scene.
15. If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops will probably be able to figure out who dunnit.
16. If you plan to do a drive-by shooting on a moped, in the line of sight of an officer in a marked unit, do plan to spend a couple of nights in jail.
17. If you’re going to stop by a restaurant and grab a bite and you see a uniformed police officer standing by the counter, do take the joint from behind your ear and leave it in the car, before you walk in.
18. If you are caught on video selling dope and viewing the video with your attorney in the investigations office, don’t say. “Man, you got me good. Look, you can see the dope in my hand.”
19. A good defense when caught selling dope on video tape is not, “That’s not me, that’s someone using my face.”
20. Don’t pick a fight with a stranger under a large bright sign that reads, P – O – L – I – C – E.
Calling Technical Support 1
Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufacturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk — we mean forgetful customer — and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) …
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)…
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral “one” on your telephone touch pad. If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.” Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway. …
Calling Technical Support 2
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
Calling Technical Support 3
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:
1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
6. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff. …
Calling Technical Support 4
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push “one” if you would like to be connected again to technical Support.
Calling Technical Support 5
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe
dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.
Know Your State Motto
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It, Yet!
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Got Peaches Ya’ll
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense, From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Las Vegas And A Big Airbase
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A Stinkin’ Motto? I Got Yer Stinkin’ Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney…
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State IS THAT ‘WRITE’, CUZIN PAUL?
Texas: YEE HAAAAAAAAAAA
Utah: White Bread And Mayonnaise Sums Us Up Pretty Much
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared!
Education Vs. Experience
The difference between education and experience:
Education is what you get from reading the small print,
Experience is what you get from not reading it.
Who Reads Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
If My Body Was A Car
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here’s the worst of it –
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter…either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
How It Works…
This is how it works…
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person at $18,000.00 a year for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions for $22,000.00, and one person to do time studies for an additional $22,000.00 per year.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies for $31,000.00 and one to write the reports for an additional $31,000.00 per year.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”
So they created the following positions, a timekeeper for $35,000.00 annual salary, and a payroll officer for an additional $35,000.00, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer at $155,000.00 per year, Assistant Administrative Officer $125,000.00, and a Legal Secretary for an additional $100,000.00 per year.
Then Congress said, “We have had this operating for one year with a budget cost of $574,000.00 and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost.”
So they laid off the night watchman.
Tips for Managers and Bosses
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.
- Do you suffer from headaches, fatigue, the inability to get out of bed on Mondays?
- Do you see your computer screen swim before your eyes, or spend hours just watching your screen saver?
- Do you think watching your hard drive defrag is entertaining?
These symptoms may suggest that you are a geek, or you could have what is called Monday Brain Eye-Strain (MBES, not be confused with MCSE), a syndrome that affects 1 out of 5 people who work in front of a computer all day, and 1 out of 3 geeks who have used shampoo in the last 3 days.
The only known cure is called “Friday” and can be taken orally or injected. Friday ™ is available at your local drugstore, with a prescription from a registered physician. Warning: Taking Friday ™ does not negate the need for shampoo. Peer support groups and counseling are also available. Ask Your Physician about what Friday ™ can do for You.
Friday ™ has also been known to alleviate symptoms of Tuesday Tardiness, Mid-Week Lethargy and Thursday Postulates. Friday ™ is not for everyone and there are some known side affects. Taking large amounts of Friday ™ can result in Saturday Morning Hangover Syndrome & Skipum Gymus. In severe cases, patients can catch a rare bout of TUTTS (better known as Totally Useless Till Tuesday Syndrome). Tests indicate that Friday ™ may also cause nausea, dry mouth, headache, fatigue, rash, warts, pregnancy, and rabies, similar to the Sugar Pill. You should not take Friday ™ if you are pregnant, an alcoholic, a moron, over 30 years of age, if you often forget to brush your teeth, if you do on-call support, if you like the color purple, or if your family has a history of heart disease. Taking Friday ™ may cause you to forget what day of the week it is. Have someone remind you when you have important events to attend.
There are many doses of Friday with different effects, from strong to weak. Consult your physician to decide which dose is best for you. Friday ™ is not covered by most medical insurance plans, so costs may vary. See local pharmacy for details.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over and farts……. “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”