An Ode To Daylight Saving Time And Lazy Parenting
I Just Hope These Help Bring Back Your Sense Of Humor
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
England: Nothing can be more embarrassing than Brexit.
America: Watch this
America –– officially that one friend who takes the joke way, way, way too far.
Michelle Obama should’ve ran for president I don’t mind eating whole-grain chicken wings
2016: i cant believe trump wins elections.
2020: can president trump do that?
2025: oh, my district won the 1st hunger games.
I feel sorry for Michelle Obama. Now she has to write Melania Trump’s victory speech.
If Trump can seriously win the PRESIDENCY OF THIS NATION, I don’t want to see a job description with “experience required” ever again
This just proves that America is more sexist then racist and were really fu(king racist!
“Go vote, everyone”
“No, not like that”
Well, Florida. At least you now have medical marijuana to treat the PTSD you’re going to get from this election
If you thought Elizabeth Warren was an angry feminist bitch before, I hope your ready for the next four years.
Time for nasty women to get nastier.
LOVE TRUMPS HATE!!!
Medical Office Sign
Two doctors opened an office in a small town, and put up a sign reading “Dr. Greene and Dr. Turner, Psychiatry and Proctology”.
The town council wasn’t happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to “Hysterias and Posteriors”.
This was unacceptable too, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” Still no go.
Next they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics”. Thumbs down again.
Then came “Manic-depressives and Anal Retentives”. Still no good.
How about “Minds and Behinds”? Once more, unacceptable.
Next they tried, “Lost Souls and Ass Holes”. Still no go.
They even tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts”, “Nuts and Butts”, “Freaks and Cheeks” and “Loons and Moons”, all of which were also unacceptable.
Nearing their wit’s ends, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council, “Dr. Greene and Dr. Turner, Odds and Ends”. Approved.
School 1958 Vs. School 2016
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up friends.
2016 – Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 hits on his rear end with a paddle. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2016 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counseled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad makes him get the switch he’s going to hit him with.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2016 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school.
1958 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2016 – Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Jose fails high school English.
1958 – Jose retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2016 – Jose’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Jose is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1958 – Ants die.
2016 – FBI and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1958 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2016 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Getting On The Bus
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, Susan became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to learn that she still couldn’t. Now even more embarrassed, she once again reached behind to unzip her skirt a little more; and for the second time, attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With another smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the top step of the bus. At this, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body!” I don’t even know you!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda’ figured we was friends.”
Newly Recognized Dog Breeds
The following breeds are now recognized by both the American and the Canadian Kennel Clubs:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso. A dog that folds up for easy transport.
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. A traditional Christmas pet.
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso. An abstract dog.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound. A dog suitable for financial advisors.
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow. A dog that throws up quite often.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. A dog as fresh and clean as a whistle.
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador. A dog that barks incessantly.
Collie + Malamute = Commute. A dog that commutes to work.
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that’s true to the end.
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu = Ummm, oh………….never mind!
Notes To The Milkman
Dear Milkman (yes, believe it or not men used to go door to door delivering milk, eggs, and other dairy products…they did to!):
• I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
• Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.
• Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
• Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
• Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way ’round.
• When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
• Please knock. My TV’s broken down, and I missed last night’s Sopranos. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?
• My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?
• Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.
• Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
• From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”
• My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.
• Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday … or is it today?
• When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don’t leave any milk.
• No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Men Vs. Women
A. Female…………….Any part under a car’s hood.
B. Male………………..The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female…………….Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
B. Male………………..Playing baseball without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female…………….The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
B. Male………………..Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female…………….A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male……………….Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female……………A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male………………Anything that can be done while drinking.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
A. Female……………An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male………………A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female…………..The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male…………….Call it whatever you want, just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female…………..A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male……………..A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
How To Have Fun In The Workplace
Find out where your boss shops and purchase exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This tends to be especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Page yourself over the intercom without disguising your voice.
Send email to the other employees telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
Sit at your desk and soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Whenever someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they’d like fries with that.
Encourage your co-workers to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Highlight your shoes, explaining to everyone that you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Send email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker, requesting he/she settle the disagreement.
Put your trash can on your desk and label it “IN”.
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send email messages saying there’s free donuts, pizza or cake in the lunchroom. When people return to their desks complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “You snooze, you lose.”
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, immediately switch to espresso.
How Many Technical Support Staff Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
“Wait! Maybe the bulb isn’t broken. Let’s try it again.”
“It’s in the manual. Didn’t you read the manual?”
“The bulb was fine; you just forgot to turn the switch on.”
“The light bulb doesn’t work? You must be using a non-standard socket.”
“Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem?”
“Our engineers are busy at the moment… We have assigned query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it in all future correspondence.”
You Might Be A Republican If…
• You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
• You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”
• You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
• You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
• You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
• You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Honey.”
• You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
• You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
• You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
• You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
• You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
• You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
• You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
• Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
• You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
• You’ve ever said, “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
• You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitch” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
• You spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”
• You’ve ever called education a luxury.
• You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
• You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
• You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
• You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
• You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
• You think all artists are gay.
• You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
• You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes