Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run-around the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
Stereotyping People By Their Halloween Costumes
Unimaginative gals looking to get laid
Unimaginative men who hear chicks are into vampires or something
More desperate version of above
Unimaginative people of all genders with body image issues
Unimaginative people of all genders who are frankly kind of confused about how much skin they should be showing
Babies with unimaginative and/or lazy parents
People who are living in 2005
People who are living in 2003
Girls who cried when the car they got for their Sweet 16 wasn’t expensive enough
Dudes who want to fuck shit up without being recognized
People who want an excuse to get totally wasted and bang into stuff
People who confuse rebellion with evil
People who confuse promiscuity with evil
People whose sense of irony is just beginning to develop
Lapsed Catholics, deeply conflicted Christians
Girls who make purring sounds at inopportune moments
The bro whose picture appears in the (slang) dictionary next to the definition of “dealbreaker”
Manic pixie dream girl wannabes
Ladies who describe themselves as “strong” and “independent” in their social media profiles
That guy who keeps trying to shock you by telling you he’s an atheist
Sex and the City fans who think going as Carrie would be way too obvi
Hipsters who secretly listen to Jefferson Airplane
Women who strongly identify with the word “ingenue”
Guys who dabble in live-action role playing games
Gals who like Disney, don’t understand history
Men who tear up when they hear “Desperado”
Guys who talk to themselves in the bathroom mirror
Girls who have little time, lots of black and white in their wardrobe
That guy at work who’s always forwarding your entire office “HI-larious” chain joke emails
Women who want to talk to you about chakras
Dudes looking for an excuse to make sexist jokes all night
Ladies who want men to look at them and think about beer
People too hungover to come up with a costume that doesn’t involve a dirty bed sheet. Toga! Toga!
Precocious tweens with bad parents
Men who profess to be disgusted by, but in reality are very jealous of, the Jersey Shore bros
Adult women who buy themselves flowers; little girls with indulgent parents
The guy who is trying to tell you something important, if only you’d listen
Mainstream girls who wish you’d acknowledge their artsy side
Post-college bros looking to recycle pot-leaf T-shirts, who think there’s nothing funnier than a white dude in a dreadlock wig
Ladies who are sick of competing with video games for their boyfriends’ attention
Guys looking to camouflage acne
Scooby Doo gang
Alice in Wonderland
Goth chicks who want to do something “unexpected” this year
Men who have been looking for a good excuse to wear nylons
Women who tell you they like old movies, haven’t seen many of them
Guys who tell you they like horror movies, haven’t seen many of them
People of both genders who are always the last ones to get the joke
Girls who will not date you, don’t even ask
A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.
1978: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair
1978: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux
1978: Moving to California because it’s cool
2010: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm
1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1978: Seeds and stems
1978: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM
1978: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint
1978: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones
1978: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system
1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1978: Passing the drivers’ test
2010: Passing the vision test
Be Careful How You Break Up With Someone
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins;
they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.
Modern British Humor
If your offended by anything just skip this group.
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did….she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same caliber.”
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
Q: What’s the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend – Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words — B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.”
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
On my Census form there is a question “Do you have any dependants?”
Apparently putting “Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single -mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people” isn’t the right answer. They’ve sent my form back!
Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program’s called Fact Hunt.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
Things Are Not What They Seem
A Woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Tips For Handling Telemarketers
From Andy Rooney
Three Little Words That Work!!
‘Hold On, Please…’
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s ‘beep-beep-beep’ tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a ‘real’ sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get ‘ads’ enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ‘ads’ with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those ‘pre-approved’ letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage ‘IF’ and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
I Knew There Was A Reason I Liked This Holliday
Some People Are Taking This Whole Halloween Thing Way To Far