Halloween Song By Stephen Lynch
Let My People Vote 2012 – Get Nana A Gun with Sarah Silverman
10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren’t…
1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling!
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
Things We’ve Learned From Horror Films….
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead. It isn’t.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black magic, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER pair off or go it alone.
As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
If you’re searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If you find a town that looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and leave NOW!!
Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing. Even then, don’t do it.
If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of a female. Even though you may be faster than the monster, you can be sure that it WILL catch you.
If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Meskatonic University, Camp Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, Illinois, one gas station desert towns or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws. This is especially true if they are wearing a hockey mask or one made of human skin.
Why Trick Or Treat Is Better Than Sex
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else…because you are.
5. Twenty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don’t like what you get you can always go next door.
3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX……
1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
Alerts To Threats In 2012 Europe
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.”
They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC.
Appearances Can Be Fun
“Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?”
“Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun… Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you’re no use to anyone.”
“He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.”
“She loves ‘NATURE’ – In spite of what it did to her.”
“Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?”
“When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.”
“I don’t want you to turn the other cheek – it’s just as ugly.”
“Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.”
“See, that’s what’s meant by dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.”
“Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?”
“Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?”
“Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!”
“I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!”
Children’s Books Not Recommended By The National Library Association
1. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
2. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
3. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can’t
4. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom’s Purse.
5. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
6. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will.
7. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On.
8. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
9. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
10. Pop! Goes The Hamster …And Other Great Microwave Games
11. Maybe Dick
12. The Boy Who Ate Spinach …And Lived To Tell About It
13. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
14. Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
15. Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
16. Egghead – And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
17. The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
18. Those Great Childhood Fragrances… Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
Laws are like cobwebs which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
On a bill from lawyer, typed by his secretary: Bull rendered: $500.
Lawyer: A cat who settles disputes between mice.
Lawyers are like beavers: They get in the middle of the stream and dam it up.
Will I Live To See 80?
Here’s something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned SEVENTY THREE).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of se x?’
‘No,’ I said
He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’
An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat. She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. She stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes.
A young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance. Never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.
The old woman prospector – not wanting to get her toe blown off – started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No Mam. But I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:
1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always, I said ‘Always’, make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid
I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?