Best Boat Commercial Ever
You’re Gonna Have A Bad Day If…
• Your manager calls you into his office on a Friday afternoon…and closes the door behind you.
• Every job lead you have involves people always away from their desks
• Every person you ask for job leads says, “I wish I had some job leads”
• Co-workers are now talking seriously about jobs at K-Mart or Wal-Mart
• Your co-workers are greeting each other with “How’s the job search?”
• Your stockbroker’s phone has been disconnected
• The paper says your divorce lawyer has been indicted
• The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
• Your new temp turns out to be your ex-wife
• Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
• Your Sicilian Uncle kisses you good morning…once on each cheek
• You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
• Your dentist looks into your mouth and says, “Oh my God!”
• The tax assessor is walking around your house smiling
• Two local TV crews are setting up satellite dishes on your front lawn
• You see the mailman coming up the walk, with a gun in each hand
• There’s a personals ad with your phone number and your pet nickname
• Your Mother-in-Law is coming up the walk with a dozen suitcases in tow
• You wake up to 32 inches of snow, no electricity & you’re out of cigarettes
• Your son announces he’s decided to study ballet and give up football
• You wake up to a nurse whose saying, “Now just remain calm.”
• Your wife tells you she’s decided to study interior designing
• The only thing in your e-mail box is spam
• You look out the front window and N.O.W. pickets are in front of the house
• The Lottery Commission says they made an error in giving you 17 million
Answering Service At A Mental Institute
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”
Stephen Wright Jokes
• There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
• I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
• I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
• I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said ‘Stephen, why haven’t you called me?’ I said, ‘I can’t call everyone I want. My (new) phone has no ‘five’ on it.’ He said, ‘How long have you had it?’ I said, ‘I don’t know, my calendar has no ‘seven’s on it.’
• I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
• I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
• I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think ‘Hey, maybe I wrote that.’
• I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says ‘Here, you can go.’
• I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
• I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
• Women. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em.
• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, ‘Hey, these records are all blank.’
• I filled out an application that said ‘In Case Of Emergency Notify:’ I wrote ‘Doctor.’
• I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.
• Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don’t get it.
• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
• After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
• You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.
A Mess In Court
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
United States State Motto’s
• Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
• Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer!
• Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819
• Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
• Alaska: Jeez, it’s Cold.
• Alaska: Yeah, But It’s a Dry Cold.
• Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat
• Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State
• Arizona: There’s nothing like living on the sun.
• Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
• Arkansas: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Laugh
• Arkansas: Attention K-Mart Shoppers!
• California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
• California: From the Hills to the Hood, we’re still better than you.
• Colorado: Now 100% John Denver Free!
• Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
• Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don’t Own It Yet
• Connecticut: The Middle C is silent, Cathole.
• Delaware: Everything is Smaller Here!
• Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
• Florida: Leave us alone, we’re busy enjoying the 82 degree winter.
• Florida: Get Off of My State, You Kids!
• Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
• Florida: So Close, You Can Smell Fidel
• Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die
• Florida: Canadian Collector (thanks to Julia Andrews)
• Florida: America’s Wang
The Cynic’s Dictionary (A – H)
ANGST: A form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon probably incomprehensible to anyone who owns a recreational vehicle.
ASSEMBLY LINE: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9,614 times a day.
AUTHOR: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BOSS: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CHILDHOOD: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONNOISSEUR: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
CULTURE: The visible evidence of a tribe of bacteria, as observed by microbiologists or cynics.
DENIAL: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
EXPERIENCE: In the working world, something you can’t get unless you’ve already got it, in which case you probably don’t want any more of it.
FAD: A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it the badge of status.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FITNESS: Salvation through perspiration.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
GOURMET: A food fetishist.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.
HOUSE PLANTS: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.
Thought For The Day!
Sometimes being in the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Bad Tips From Martha Stewart
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Bar Phrases (And Translations)
“You get this one, next round is on me.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
“I’ll get this one, next round is on you.”
(Happy hour is about to end…beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)
“What do you have on tap?”
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (Female)
(You’re paying more attention to your friends than to me.)
“Excuse me.” (Male To Male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
“Excuse me.” (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)
“Excuse me.” (Female To Male)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)
“Excuse me.” (Female To Female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You’re certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker…And get your eyes off my man, or I’ll slap you like the bitch that you are!)
Games For When We Are Older
1. Sag, you’re It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.