Delta Air’s New Safety Video
Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Permitted At Work
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
3. It encourages carpooling.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. It eliminates vacations because people would prefer to come to work.
6. Bosses are more likely to issue raises when they’re wasted.
7. Employees work later since the need to relax at a bar is no longer necessary.
8. It reduces stress.
9. It reduces complaints about low pay.
10. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. It makes fellow employees look better.
13. It makes cafeteria food taste better.
14. Suddenly, belching during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
15. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
16. It leads to more honest communications.
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the
mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an “A” in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?”
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
“Well, then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY”
Little Zachary looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
• This truck has been in 15 accidents…and hasn’t lost one yet.
• Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
• Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
• I tried to snort coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• So many stupid people, So few comets
• Go ahead and honk. I’m reloading.
• So many stupid people, not enough bullets in a clip.
• It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• If you say one more word, I’m going to put my umbrella in your pants and open it.
• Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.
• Die Yuppie Scum.
• Bad cop…no donut.
• The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
• Dyslexics of the world… UNTIE!!
• Where There’s A Whip, There’s A Way.
• The best way to change someone’s mind is with a rock
The Pope And The Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
“I haven’t a clue” said the Rabbi. First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.
“And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”
Seniors Personal Ads
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80′s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
Get A Dog
If you want someone who’s willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you…….get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section…….get a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and will never say it’s not quite as good as his mother made it…….get a dog.
If you want someone who’s always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want…….get a dog.
If you want someone to scare away burglars without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors…….get a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet, someone you can push off if he snores…….get a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and will sit next to you and watch a romantic movie…….get a dog.
If you want someone who will never criticize what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually…….get a dog.
On the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you completely when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, then my friend…….get a cat.
Rules For The Boss
1. Don’t ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it’s going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you’re going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t specify which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If word gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be the topic of conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, just save them until the job is almost done. There’s no use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Only be nice to me when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s refreshing to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check your received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating, without a cost of living increase. I’m not really here for the money anyhow.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘No.’ Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.’ Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’ George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’
Learn How To Speak Chinese
Learn how to speak Chinese in no time at all. It is helpful to say the following out loud for full understanding….
1. That’s not right……………………………..Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive?………..Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP……………………………….Kum Hia Nao
4. Stupid man…………………………………..Dum Fuk
5. Small horse………………………………….Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the beach?………………Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped into a coffee table………….Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift………………Chin Tu Fat
9. It’s very dark in here……………………….Wao So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet………….Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11. This is a tow away zone……………….No Pah King
12. Our meeting’s scheduled for next week……Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13. Staying out of sight……………………….Lei Ying Lo
14. He’s cleaning his automobile………Wa Shing Ka
15. Your body odor is offensive………….Yu Stin Ki Pu
16. Great!……………………………………………Fa Kin Su Pah!
I Think You’re The Father Of One Of My Kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where
he knows her from…
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father
of one of my kids.’ Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and he says, ‘My God, are you the stripper from my friend’s bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner hit my butt with celery stalks while I was wearing that pink leotard???’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.