If Women Were Honest On Dates
This would save guys so much time!
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Don’t Mess With Mom or Dad
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
“Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The “Children’s Bill of Rights.”
It says I need not clean my room,
don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
and I sure don’t have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.
And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don’t you ever touch me,
my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.
Don’t preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
And it’s illegal too!
Mom, I have these children’s rights,
so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.
The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts & pants galore.
I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn’t care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
And I’ve canceled that appointment
to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I’ll decide what’s best.
I said “No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.
He asked “Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you’ll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is
a roof for over your head.
Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
and I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I’m selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the “Parents Bill of Rights,”
It’s in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May last awhile
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
A Bachelor’s Kitchen Guide
If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
In the Fridge:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
On the Shelf:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of… Very carefully.
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable ÒspotsÓ that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
It never spoils. However, if you can’t chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
Funny Outgoing Phone Messages
I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We’re in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange … mother … unicorn … I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking; you’re on the air…
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hi, this is George. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Advice & Observations
• If your wife parks the car, don’t sit there and insist she do it properly…walking to the curb is good exercise
• Personally, I’ve found the easiest way to get my wife to change her mind is to agree with her
• And guys, when you’re wrong — you’re wrong. Approach your wife in a straight-forward manner and lie about everything
• If you ever play poker with a woman, make sure they know in advance that four Kings still beats four Queens
• Always make sure you weigh yourself only on those days where everything’s already gone wrong, and the day’s ruined anyway
• It may be true that life begins at 40, but everything else seems to wear out, fall out or spread out
• You can always tell a woman who’s looking for the perfect relationship…she’s either single or married
• The most effective way to remember your spouse’s birthday is to forget it, just once
• Bigamy is having one wife too many…some say monogamy is the same thing
• Some people think life begins at conception; others think it begins at birth. Still others know that life begins when the kids move out
• My son wanted a smart wife who’s a good mother that would make him happy. I told him he’d better make up his mind
• Guys, you know you’re over the hill when a pretty girl arouses your memory and nothing else
• Any girl who finds it possible to resist every attempt to seduce her should be going out with smarter men
• When wine, women and song become too much for ya,…always give up the singing first
• There’s a lot to be said for dating intellectual women. The can think up excuses your wife will believe
• Never pour black coffee into an intoxicated person. All you’ll have is a wide-awake drunk on your hands
• In closing, let me say, please remember, even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess
Believe it or not these are all legitimate laws that at one time or another were on the books. The scary thing is that some of them still are.
· Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
· Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
· Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
· Bathhouses are against the law.
· In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
· No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
· Women may not drive in a house coat.
· It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
· Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
· You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
· Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
· City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”
· You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
· It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
· Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
· Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
· Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
· It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
· It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
· You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
· It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.
· It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
· It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
· Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
· Toads may not be licked.
· You may not hunt moths under a street light.
· It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
· You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
· Zoot suits are prohibited.
· It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
· It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
· Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
· Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
· It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
· It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
· Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
· Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
· One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.
· The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
· It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
· Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.
· Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
· It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
· It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.
· It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
· You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
· Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
1. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
2. Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.
3. Better living through denial
4. Ambivalent? Well yes and no….
5. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
6. Is it time for your medication or mine?
7. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
8. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
9. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert….
10. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
11. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
12. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
13. And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be … ?
14. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
15. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
16. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
18. Adults are just kids who owe money.
19. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
20. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
21. You! Off my planet!
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
24. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
25. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Things My Mother Would Never Say
• I don’t need any grandchildren.
• I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.
• Yeah, I used to skip school, too.
• You are so lucky to have your in-laws.
• Just live with him…You don’t have to marry him.
• Be good and for your birthday, I’ll buy you a motorcycle!
• How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?
• Don’t bother wearing a jacket…It’s quite warm out.
• Let me smell that shirt…Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
• Just leave all the lights on…It makes the house more cheery.
• Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it too?
•Aw, just turn these undies inside out.No one will ever know.
• I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve.
• Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s okay, that’s good enough for me.
• Of course you should walk to school and back. What’s the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?
• My meeting won’t be over till later tonight. You kids don’t mind skipping dinner, do you?
• I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a check to renew.
• If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family it’s fine with me.
• Mother’s day, shmother’s day, you just go to the beach and enjoy yourselves.
• You don’t have to call me every week; I know how busy you are.
• Your father is a saint; you should only be just like him.
• Your wife knows best…Forget about the advice I gave you.
Rodney Dangerfield (With Great Respect RIP)
• I could tell my parents hated me my bath toys were a toaster and radio.
• My wife made me join a bridge club…I jump off next Tuesday.
• One year they wanted to make me the poster boy…for birth control.
• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me…Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
• I’m so ugly…my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room…he said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could…But he pulled through.”
• With my old man I got no respect…I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
• I was such an ugly kid…when I played in the sandbox…the cat kept covering me up.
• I’m so ugly…my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.
• I was such an ugly baby…my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
• I’m so ugly…when I worked in a pet shop people kept asking how big I’d get.
• My dog’s favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times…three of those times I was reading it.
• I remember the time that I was kidnapped…they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.”
I went over…Nobody was home.
• One day I came home early from work…I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?”
He said, “Because you came home early.”
• It’s been a rough day…I got up this morning…Put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase…And the handle came off.
Now I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
• Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman…I asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”
He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
• I went to see my doctor and said, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?”
He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”