Parents Pranking Kids On Halloween
The Least Popular Halloween Treats
• Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
• Teeth removing Taffy
• Metamucil in a straw
• Ex-Lax Brownies
• Caramel Covered Zucchini
• Colored Crisco on a Stick
• Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
• Chocolate Covered Prunes
• Anything that ticks!
The Halloween Dictionary
• Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
• Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
• Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
• Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
• Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
• Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
• Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there’s housework to be done. Also, see “Mr. Hyde.”
• Jack O’ Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
• Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
• Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
• Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
• Skeleton: Any supermodel.
• Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
• Witch: See “Mother-in-Law.”
• Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
• Halloween: When all women can dress like sluts without other women dissing them for it.
Things That Sound Dirty About Halloween
• I’d like to get a little something in the sack.
• Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
• She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
• If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
• Have someone check the goodies before they go into your mouth.
• Let me see your bag…. Oh! You’re having a great night!
• Show me your Jujubes and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
• You scared me stiff!
• He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
While cleaning her son’s room, a mom found a bondage S & M magazine in his closet. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He glanced at it briefly and handed it back to her without uttering a word. “Well,” she said, “what do you think we should do about this?”
“I don’t know,” he replied, “but I don’t think you should spank him.”
Real Flight Announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
“Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• All men are idiots….I married their king.
• IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
• Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Dear John Letter
While serving overseas far from home, a soldier was quite annoyed and upset when he received a letter from his girl breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went to each and every one of his friends and collected all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them to his girl with a note saying: “I’m sorry, but I can’t recall which one you are. Please keep your photograph and return the others.”
He also sent it postage due.
Software Development Life Cycle
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
The Male Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here’s a guide to the point system.
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It’s her father (-20)
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Who is a dancer (-6)
And was Homecoming Queen (-8)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A Night Out with The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called Death Cop 3 (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say “I don’t care because you have one too” (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, “Do I look fat?”
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep (-20)
Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.
7. Right this minute you’re laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World’s fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to “back off!”
4. Even people at Wal-Mart say your fat.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You’re sweating’ gravy.