Mr. Bean Watches a Horror Movie
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2. Teeth removing Taffy
3. Metamucil in a straw
4. Ex-Lax Brownies
5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8. Chocolate Covered Prunes
9. Small tubes of tooth paste
10. Anything that ticks!
Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.
- Jim Samuels
I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark
I love Halloween. It’s the only night of the year I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate.
- Adam @AdamofAlbion
Hair stylist: Gonna wear a costume for Halloween? Me: (Looking at my new haircut in the mirror) Probably something with a hood.
- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets
These masked trick-or-treaters must be confused. They’re a day early, came in the back door, passed up the candy & took the big screen TV.
Just Bill @WilliamAder
I like to get my candy early for Halloween so I have plenty of time to buy more when I eat the first bag.
- Molly @SleepingSuspect
If I’m lazy and I can’t come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write ‘Freudian’ on it.
- Julia Stiles
If you’re in Alabama, don’t dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating “a minister of any religion” is punishable by fine or jail.
- Nina Vizcarrondo, in Time
When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing.
- Robin Bach
I awaken in the Halloween aftermath. Bed covered in candy wrappers. Looking down at my chocolate smeared hands I whisper, “What have I done?”
- Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott
It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
- Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
- Donna Macabre @Donna_McCoy
Instead of buying a Halloween costume it was cheaper just to get a haircut at Great Clips.
- Northside Hombre @Northside_Mike
Got home, opened the bedroom closet door and a naked guy shrieked at me. Wow, my wife has some pretty crazy Halloween pranks up her sleeve.
- Brian Hope @Brianhopecomedy
A Fargo woman will give overweight trick-or-treaters warning letters, not candy. In other news, a woman’s house will be egged by fat kids.
- Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Honey. I didn’t *lose* our kid on Halloween, he just went as the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and I can’t know exactly where he is.
- Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth
When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high-heel shoes, fishnet stockings…
- David Letterman
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour.
- Terry F @daemonic3
Boss: “I thought I said no costumes this week.”
Me: “These are my clothes.”
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
I put a box of Halloween candy on the top shelf of our cupboard and then watched my 3 year old become an architect.
- Brian Hope @Brianhopecomedy
Aren’t we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?
- snowjob @canadasandra
Be sure to remember when Halloween is. Answering the door when you’re three-quarters crocked and finding a pack of midget H-Men, Masters of the Universes on the front porch can be a scary experience if you’re not expecting it.
- P. J. O’Rourke
When I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus.
- Steve Hofstetter
My version of a haunted house is hitting yes when an ATM asks me if I’d like to see my balance.
- Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
I’m going to be “Mom who abandoned her family and fled to Mexico with a new identity” for Halloween. Too bad my kids won’t get to see it.
- Tara Brown @Faux_Ma
The only thing that really scares me about Halloween is running out of candy.
- Melanie White
Visit a haunted house? Nah, if I want to hear blood curdling screams I’ll save money and just tell my wife there’s a spider on her neck.
- Scary Terry F @daemonic3
For Halloween, everyone on my street has bodies in their lawns. It’s like living in Florida.
- Jason Love @Jasonlovetwit
I was complimented today on my amazing Halloween costume, which felt great. I wasn’t wearing one, but still.
- Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth
I have pills bigger than these fun-size Snickers.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
I have to be honest. I don’t really look forward to Halloween as much as November 1st. November 1st should be named “Discount Candy Day.”
- Theresa Weaver
The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy.
- Mike Raphone
A got a Halloween party invite from my car dealership, if you’re wondering what’s worse than not getting invited to a Halloween party.
- Chris Regan @ChrisRRegan
Son: What are you going to be for Halloween, Dad?
Son: What’s mom gonna be?
- Josh @iwearaonesie
When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Queen Elizabeth costume was.
They apologized, said they would ship my costume the next day, and I could keep the Lady Godiva costume I got by mistake.
Pretty sure your “skeleton on the porch” is trumped by my “dead Santa” as far as the little beggars are concerned.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
Every day’s Halloween if you spend most of it on Twitter.
- The Miller’s Tale @JaneBadall
I’m giving out popcorn balls and apples for Halloween. If you think I only disappoint my family on holidays, you’d be wrong.
- Böb El Diablo Jänke @Bob_Janke
Top Ten Reasons Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
4. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
5. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else because you are.
6. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
7. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
9. Less guilt the morning after.
10. You can do the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
Lessons You Can Only Learn By Watching Horror Films
17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.
16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!
10. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.
8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
7. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
2. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
and last but not least…
1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!
Too Old for Halloween
Ten Signs That You’re Too Old for Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Super Hero in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
The Bachelor’s Diet
BREAKFAST – Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
LUNCH – Send your secretary out for six “gut bombers” those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost ninety nine cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK – Drink the Maalox
DINNER – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.
BREAKFAST – Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.
BREAKFAST – Jaws couldn’t eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s
LUNCH – Rolaids and a coke
DINNER – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
BREAKFAST – Order out for pizza
LUNCH – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gut bomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
BREAKFAST – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.
LUNCH – Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
BREAKFAST – Sleep through it.
LUNCH – Ditto
DINNER – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don’t eat the brussel sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
BREAKFAST – Three Bloody Mary’s and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don’t eat Lunch.
DINNER – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.
The Top Country-Western Songs
• It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.
• If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
• If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
• How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
• I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
• I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
• I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.
• I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like You’re Still Here.
• If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I’d Be Out Of Prison By Now
• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
• You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
• Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.
• She’s Looking Better After Every Beer.
More Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date
1. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
2. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
3. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
4. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
5. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
6. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
7. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
8. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
9. Auction your date off for silverware.
10. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
11. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
12. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
13. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
14. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
15. Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
16. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
17. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
18. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
19. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
20. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
21. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
22. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
23. Accuse your date of espionage.
24. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
25. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.
26. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
27. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
28. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:
• You ski uphill.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.
• You lick your coffee pot clean.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
• You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
Even More Things Not To Say During Sex
1. were you by any chance repressed as a child?
2. is that a hanging sculpture?
3. you’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
4. did I mention my transsexual operation?
5. I really hate women who actually think sex means nothing!
6. did you come yet, dear?
7. I’ll tell you I’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
8. a good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.
9. does this count as a date?
10. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you.
11. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
12. I think biting is romantic – don’t you?
13. Q: you can cook, too right?
A: (whaddaya think I’m doin’?)
14. when would you like to meet my parents?
15. Man: maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
16. have you seen “fatal attraction”?
17. sorry about the name tags, I’m not to good with names.
18. don’t mind me… i always file my nails in bed.
19. (in a phone booth) do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
20. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. do you have a light?
21. don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
22. sorry but I don’t do toes.
23. you could at least act like you’re enjoying it!
24. petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no!
25. keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
26. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for the Enquirer.
27. so that’s why they call you Mr. Flash!
28. my old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer.
29. is this a sin too?
30. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlin!
31. hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?
32. long kisses clog my sinuses.
33. pleases understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…
34. how long do plan to be “almost there”?
35. you mean you’re not my blind date?