HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Funny Rap Song
Top Ten Reasons Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
4. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
5. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else because you are.
6. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
7. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
9. Less guilt the morning after.
10. You can do the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!”
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2. Teeth removing Taffy
3. Metamucil in a straw
4. Ex-Lax Brownies
5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8. Chocolate Covered Prunes
9. Chocolate Covered Cockroaches
10. Anything that ticks!
Life’s Demerit System – Info for All Men
GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER IT WELL……In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)
You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has implants. (-80)
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
Hope this helps
I Really Get No Respect
1. “I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.”
2. “My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday”
3. “One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!”
4. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!”
5. “Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!”
6. “For two hours…some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”
7. “I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!”
8. “This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.”
9. “A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me that is why we give you 21 days.”
10. “Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No days…just nights.”
11. “My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”
12. “They say…Love thy neighbor as thy self… What am I supposed to do? jerk him off too?”
13. “At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open. Boy…what a present he gave me!”
14. “My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog’s bed…Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.”
15. “I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.”
16. “My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg”.
17. “My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate.”
18. “I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said why should I you never put out for me.”
19. “I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said…No, one drag is enough.”
20. “I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude…but I didn’t see the mouse trap.”
21. “A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there’s nobody home. I went over… Nobody was home!”
Teachers Spill Amazing Real-Life Funny Stories
Kids really do say the funniest things…
Every parent knows that moment: when your kid says something so outrageous, so absurb, so naughty that you have to turn around so they don’t see you laughing.
Now, imagine if you were a teacher? Trying to control your laughter every year as kids said and did the silliest, most outrageous things? On an anonymous Reddit thread, teachers have been sharing stories. We’ve collected our favorites just for you. We dare you not to laugh.
The Mouths of Babes
Last year, [on] my classroom carpet that had the alphabet border around the edges. One of my students, Demetrius, liked to sit on the letter D because it was the first letter of his name. One day, Zaria sits on the letter D. Demetrius gets in her face and yells, ‘Zaria! Get off my D!’ I lost it.
High School Classic
When reading “Hamlet” with the class, after Ophelia’s line about Hamlet, “To speak of horrors — he comes before me,” a kid said, “Hamlet, get it together, man.” I cracked up. The other kids didn’t get it luckily.
The Force is Strong
A student walking down the hallway had his Darth Vader mask confiscated by the principal. The kid replied the right way. He dropped to his knees and did the most perfect Vader ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!’ The principal looked at me as the hall burst into laughter.
I’m a Big Boy Now
I work in preschool. Kids come out of the bathroom with their pants down all the time, if they can’t do the zipper or whatever, but one time a particular boy came running as fast as his pants-around-the-ankles self could possibly run, and screamed “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!” And proceeded to pee on the floor. We think he had just then figured out how to pee standing up…
A Good Excuse
(student waiting late after rehearsal) Kid calls home: “Hey can you tell mom to pick me up? Oh, she’s in the shower….what about dad? He’s in the shower too….?” Turns to teacher: “It’s going to be awhile Mr. M”
More Signs That You’re Out Of College
– Your refrigerator holds more solid foods than liquids.
– You’ve lost the thread on your favorite soap opera.
– 8 a.m. means shower and shave, not wake and bake.
– You file taxes with more than three digits.
– You hear your favorite songs in doctor’s waiting rooms and when you’re on hold with the bank.
– You’re not carded anymore for anything.
– You carry an umbrella.
– You now know there’s no such thing as “looking mature.”
– You get your news from sources other than ESPN and MTV.
– Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.
– Doing shots and smoking cigarettes guarantees midnight dry heaves and a sinus attack instead of midnight skinny dipping and a Big Mac attack.
– You go from 130 days to seven days of vacation time.
– You actually eat breakfast foods — at breakfast time.
Real Life Transcripts from Computer Help Desk Support
Yes these really are real.
Tech Support: “Hello, how can I help?”
Caller: “There’s smoke coming from the back of my computer!”
Tech Support: “Unplug your computer immediately.”
Caller: “But I’ll lose my game!”
Tech Support: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Caller: “I just got my DSL self install kit in the mail and it’s not working?”
Tech Support: “What lights are on the modem?”
Caller: “What’s a modem?”
Tech Support: “Its the item in the box that we sent you.”
Caller: “There are no lights?”
Tech Support: “What color is the box the modem is in so I can identify our brand of modem?”
Caller: “Blue with white clouds.”
Tech Support: “Right… that’s the package it came in, I mean the box that was inside of that one, its the one with the modem in, its color coded.”
Caller: “I haven’t opened it yet.”
Tech Support: “But if you haven’t opened it, how do you expect it to work?”
Caller: “Oh, I though it did it itself from inside the box”
Tech Support: “Hi, how can I help?”
Caller: “My internet has stopped working?”
Tech Support: “Can you click on the start button in the bottom left hand corner first please.”
Caller: “Oh! do I need my PC on for the internet?”
Tech Support: “Good afternoon how may I assist you?”
Caller: “My screen is full of squares with pictures on them and I cant see anything past them?”
Tech Support: “Ok just close any open windows a moment.”
Tech Support: “Thank you for calling abc Internet, can I take your Username please.”
Caller: “Yes its John Woods.”
Tech Support: “N ! That’s your real name Mr. Woods, can I take your Username please.”
Caller: “J Woods.”
Tech Support: “Again that is your real name!, can I take your Username please.”
Caller: “What’s a username?”
Tech Support: “It’s the account holders initials followed by a series of letters and numbers e.g.JW01296. So can I take your username please Mr. Woods.”
Caller: “John Woods.”
Tech Support: “Do you have your account number instead please?”
Caller: “Its John Woods.”
Tech Support: “Hello, how may I help you?”
Caller: “I cant get my PC to turn on?”
Tech Support: “Is your PC plugged in and switched on?”
Caller: “Yes, its all plugged in and switched on.”
Tech Support: “Are you sure its switched on? Have you pressed the power button?”
Caller: “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal thing and nothing happens?”
Tech Support: “Excuse me Madam, but what foot pedal thing is that?”
Caller: “Its the little white plastic thing with the wire attached to it.”
Tech Support: “Has it got a little ball under it and buttons on the top?”
Caller: “Yes…yes it has?”
Tech Support: “That’s your Computers Mouse, Madam…….the power switch is located on the actual computer.”
Tech Support: “Hello, how may I be of help to you?”
Caller: “Hi er… my printer smells funny and it’s smoking?”
Tech Support: “Ok, Sir, You need to turn it off right now.”
Caller: “Well I was told never to turn it off without running it through shutdown and it won’t go through shutdown.”
Tech Support: “How may I help you?”
Caller: “The coffee cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty period. So how do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech Support: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer, they think of everything don’t they.”
Tech Support: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, but how did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark’s on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I just press a button and out pop’s the cup holder, It just has ’8X ‘ on it.”
Tech Support: “That’s not a cup holder, its your CD-ROM drive tray!”
Yet More Ways To Annoy People
1. When someone asks, “Are there any questions?” ask, “Where do babies come from?”
2. Step on someone’s feet, and push them backwards
3. Take their hat
4. Grab a book that someone is reading, open it to the last page, and read this out loud
5. When riding shotgun in a convertible, surreptitiously reach over and put up just the rear windows
6. Take an envelope, fill it with baking powder or flour, and send it to somebody
7. At a fast food restaurant, push down the bubbles on the drink tops of everybody’s drink
8. Crack all your knuckles
9. Sing, “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves
10. Pay for an item at a store with all pennies
11. When you’re out of the house all night for a weekend, leave your clock-radio on for it’s normal wake-up time of about 6:30 or 7:30, and turn the volume up
12. At a red light, put your car in gear and creep slowly forward, while gesturing to the person in the car next to you that they must be rolling backwards
13. Drive with your brights on just to see how many people flash their lights at you
14. Tailgating can be one of the most effective forms of annoyance know to man
15. Walk up to someone you know, and say something to the effect of, “Hey, did you hear what happened to Jim? Well he was with
16. When they are out of their room, move everything they own to a different location
17. Change all the preset stations on their car radio tuner to classical and country/western stations
18. Slurp your soup or your breakfast cereal
19. Tap the person on the shoulder continuously, and when you have their attention, just continue tapping them on the shoulder
20. At a movie theater, unwrap a candy bar as loudly as is humanly possible, preferably during dialogue
21. At a public library, get a book which hasn’t been checked out yet, and slip it into somebody’s book bag when they’re not looking
22. Take off the letters one of those sign boards that have the removable letters
23. Answer the phone “Domino’s Pizza, how can I help you?” at someone else’s house
24. At night, rearrange somebody’s furniture
25. Many telephone answering machines have two digit passwords for retrieving messages and that kind of thing, and often times, the default on many models is 25, which people don’t bother to change
Yet More Fun Things to Do in a Final That Does Not Matter
1. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
2. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
3. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything you your own life story.
4. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
5. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
6. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious…like history notes for a calculus exam…otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment, “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
7. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
8. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, and ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
9. One word: Wrestlemania.
10. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
11. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
12. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
13. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
14. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
15. During the exam, take apart everything around you–desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
16. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
17. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to us the phrase, “Told you so.”
18. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.”