If Women Were Honest On Dates
You Know It’s Your Last Day At Work When….
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”
You realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.
As you walk to your cubicle, you overhear a number of people say in a hoarse whisper, “Uh oh! He’s here! I didn’t think he’d have the nerve to even show up.”
A woman comes into the store, you turn to another salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old broad. This one’s your turn”.
Your boss was standing behind you. It’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer.
You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You pull into the company parking lot and notice that not only is someone else’s car in your reserved parking space, but your nameplate is missing.
You come back from lunch and Mike Wallace as well as the entire “60 Minutes” crew meet you at the entrance, cameras rolling.
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.
As you sort through your morning mail, you notice one of the items is a Restraining Order obtained by your secretary.
You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
You arrive early at work. Several other employees are scurrying from your work area with boxes containing your hard won office supplies and other assorted perks.
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and bruised knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You’re in jail.
Last night was the company’s annual “End of Year” party.
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
6. Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Car Insurance Excuses
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
United States State Mottos
• Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
• Missouri: Loves Company!
• Missouri: The “Show Me State”. You show me yours and I’ll show you my rifle.
• Montana: Land Of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
• Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
• Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
• Nebraska: The “N” is for Knowledge
• Nebraska: Bring Something to Do!
• Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons – Winter and Construction
• Nevada: Whores and Poker!
• Nevada: Hookers and Blow!
• New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
• New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer
• New Hampshire: If you don’t have a Ford F150 or bigger get the f**k out!
• New Jersey: What Smell?
• New Jersey: Don’t even THINK about making that left turn, buddy!
• New Jersey: You Want a fucking Motto? I Got Yer fucking Motto Right Here!
• New Jersey: The Jug Handle State
• New Mexico: Cleaner than Regular Mexico and Less Bodies in the Sandbox
• New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
• New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an Attorney
• New York: We Matter, You Don’t!
• North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
• North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80′s, go to a Sex Therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’
The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married; so we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all….Medicare pays $43 of it.
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:
• NO! Not that button!
• Do you smell something?
• I have never seen it do that before…
• Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
• What do you mean you needed that directory?
• Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
• The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.
• I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s lots of free space.
Some Things You Won’t See On Hallmark Cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell ’til I met you.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
INSIDE: What was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend…
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
OUTSIDE: I’m so miserable without you…
INSIDE: It’s almost like you’re here.
Thoughts For The Day
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Wow…that was fun!”
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?
Wouldn’t you know it…Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
And Remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Alpha – Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for ”doesn’t work.”
Beta – Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for ”still doesn’t work.”
Computer – Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger ”Duffy” Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the ”Incompatible File Format” error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler’s death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU – Central Propulsion Unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a Windows 95, a ferret if it’s a Windows 2000 and a ferret on speed if it’s a Windows Vista.
Default Directory – Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message – Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.
File – A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware – Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
Help – The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output – Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release – A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory – Are computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer – A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers – Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high schoolers that memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create ”user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual – Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date – A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly – Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users – Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate, and expert.
- Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users – People who break other people’s computers.
Darwin Awards – I Always Wondered What It Was Like To Be A Rocket Scientist
The Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.
On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) guy tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice:
1. The target was H & J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn’t fire. No one else was hurt.