Robot Chicken Does Nick Jr
Unlikely Barney Episodes
1. “BARNEY GETS A BONER”
2. “BARNEY’S NIGHT WITH MADONNA”
3. “BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD”
4. “BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS”
5. “JURASSIC BARNEY”
6. “BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN”
7. “BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS”
8. “BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER”
9. “BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG”
10. “PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO”
11. “BOPPING BABY BOP”
12. “BARNEY’S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS”
13. “BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET”
14. “BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA”
15. “BARNEY ON A BENDER”
16. “BARNEY HAS NEEDS…”
17. “BARNEY AT BETTY FORD”
18. “BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS”
19. “BARNEY’S BIG PURPLE ONE”
20. “BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL”
21. “BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE”
Of Course I Heard You
What a wife says…
This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!
What a husband hears…
blah blah blah blah blah CMON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette
I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. – Noel Coward, 1956
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. – Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo’s fiancee
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe - Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. – Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. — Hemant Joshi
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Top 25 Country Songs
1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Good-bye
2. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run So We’re Even
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Daddy’s Head)
6. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. She’s Actin’ Single And I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go away
9. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better Before I knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
12. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
13. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
14. I’m So Miserable Without You; It’s Like Having You Here
15. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass My Heart
20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
22. You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
24. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
25. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few
To spare others from dashed hopes, shattered dreams, and tired feet, here is a guide to familiar real-estate ad phrases.
CHARMING – Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See “Cute,” “Enchanting,” and “Good Starter Home.”
MUCH POTENTIAL – Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See “Ready to Rehab,” and “Fixer Upper.”
UNIQUE CITY HOME – Used to be a warehouse.
HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY – Lots of steel shelving with little holes – the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.
DARING DESIGN – Still a warehouse.
COMPLETELY UPDATED – Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.
SOPHISTICATED – Black walls and no windows. See “Architect’s Delight.”
ONE-OF-A-KIND – Ugly as sin.
BRILLIANT CONCEPT – Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See “Makes Dramatic Statement.”
UPPER BRACKET – If you have to ask . . .
YOU’LL LOVE IT – No, you won’t.
MUST SEE TO BELIEVE – An absolutely accurate statement.
Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. This kid was always good for a laugh. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he asked, “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, “That’s a really big hole for a little Goldfish, don’t you think?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
More Famous Beer Quotes!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven…
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
And That’s How The Fight Started
1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive … so, I took her to a gas station. And that’s how the fight started.
2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream. And that’s how the fight started.
3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’. And that’s how the fight started.
4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s how the fight started.
5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we w ere alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it … he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight started.
6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight started.
Yes These Were Real Laws
*Doughnut holes may not be sold in Lehigh, Nebraska. Why? Maybe Lehigh residents are purists and rather than buying into the doughnut hole craze when it came along, they decided to stay loyal to their favorite doughnuts instead. So, if you every visit Lehigh, you better be prepared to eat the entire doughnut for breakfast, not just that dinky little doughnut hole.
*New York residents may not greet one another by putting their thumb to their nose and wiggling their fingers. More than likely, this little law fell off the books long ago. Obviously, the law dealt with one very specific circumstance. We like to think that gangs of silly people were roaming the streets and signaling to each other by thumbing their nose and wiggling their fingers. Or maybe it has something to do with that old saying about “thumbing your nose” — meaning you reject something.
*In Waynesboro, Virginia, it was once illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband walks in front of the car waving a red flag. Women were probably barred from driving at all at one time so this might have been a step in the right direction for the women of Waynesboro — they had to drive behind a big red flag but at least they could get behind the wheel of a car.
*It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions driving around the state of Washington to stop at city limits and telephone the local chief of police before entering town. This measure was put into place to prevent drifters from conning people in several different towns. But, once again, if their intent is to break the law, it’s doubtful they’d follow this particular rule.
*Hunters were once expressly forbidden from going after camels — in the state of Arizona. Snopes.com actually proves that this law no longer exists under current Arizona provisions but they do note that the law would have made sense in the late 1800s when camels were imported into the state to help haul freight and men. Of course, since the animals were privately owned, they should have fallen under the private property statutes but, regardless, it would have been illegal to hunt camels.
*One-armed piano players who perform in Iowa must do so for free. Now that just seems unfair. A one-handed piano player might be just as good or even better than a piano player with two hands. Why shouldn’t they get paid? Of course, we have a feeling that this is one of those laws that is no longer official nor still enforced by local authorities.
*A person must be over the age of 18 to use a pinball machine in the state of South Carolina. This law almost makes sense — especially if you’ve seen those really racy pinball machines with images of half-naked ladies and violence painted all over them. Who would want a minor looking at all that stuff while they’re playing an arcade game. Well, certainly not the state of South Carolina.
*Beavers in Michigan could be fined up to $10,000 per day for building unlicensed dams, according to letters that the state once sent certain beavers in Grand Rapids. This actually happened. After complaints about flooding on neighboring property, the state sent a letter to the land owner ordering him to remove unauthorized wood debris dams. The reply sent by the landowner was widely circulated around the Internet as he pointed out that the “wood debris dams” belonged to beavers and he was not responsible for it. Eventually the matter was dropped and it seems unlikely that this would actually happen again.
I hate weddings because the old people always poke you and say “Your next!”
So I started doing the same thing to them…at funerals.
Warning! – NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin