Oct 13 would have been Lenny Bruce’s 88th birthday
“Take away the right to say ‘Fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘Fuck the government.’”
Lenny Bruce on Stage Just Before He Died
You Might Be A Cop If…
1) People shout “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room.
2) Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
3) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5) You believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6) When you mention vegetables, you’re not referring to the food group.
7) You want to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide – getting it right the first time.”
8) You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9) You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow over 150.
10) You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, “They’ve come to get you…”.
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.
“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed,” said the Department manager.
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.
“Simple,” said the Department manager…”Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’
You put down, ‘Neither do I.’’
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“Eat here and get gas” – Sean at a service station
“No children allowed” – In a maternity ward
I’m not crazy my reality is just different than yours
Soap pack said “Not Shampoo”
By the time you finish reading this you will realize that you have wasted 5 seconds of your life
Just an Email Note
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
What Store Employees Say And What They Really Mean
1. “Can I help you get a size?”
(Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.)
2. “Do you need help with anything?”
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)
3. “Welcome to (Store Name Here)”
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)
4. “Have a nice day!”
(Now that you ruined mine.)
5. “Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)”
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)
6. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)
7. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?”
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)
8. “Can I help you get something down?”
(I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put it in the absolute wrong place.)
9. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it”
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)
10. “No, we don’t have any more in the back”
(I just don’t want to check.)
Top Morons Of The Year
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
WITH A LITTLE HELP:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Warnings for Kids
Parents: If you haven’t done so already, you might want to use the below listed warnings as a check-list to ensure that you have properly warned your offspring of some of the dangers they face in this life.
Don’t pet any strange dog: it will eat your face off
Don’t go into the street: a car will run you over and you’ll end up looking like a banana pancake
Don’t forget to wash your hands after playing outside: there are millions of tiny eggs under your fingernails that get into your mouth and hatch in your belly, and then at night worms crawl out into your bed
Don’t play in the refrigerator: there is green stuff on the leftovers that is growing faster than you are…by morning it will break out of the plastic containers and beat you up
Don’t touch the knives: you’ll cut off your fingers and then you can say good-bye to things like ripping off your diaper, locking yourself in the bathroom and poking the dessert just before the company comes
Don’t stand around with your fingers in your nose: other kids will think you’re creepy and throw things at you
Don’t unbuckle your seat belt: you might get arrested and put in prison where you’ll have to celebrate your birthday with a bunch of murderers, perverts and lawyers
Don’t bite on that electrical cord: there’s energy inside that will blow up your teeth …you’ll never be able to chew paper, old gum from the sidewalk or dog kibble again
Don’t open the dishwasher and jump up and down on the door: mommy will have to call a repairman, and then daddy will have a heart attack and die
Don’t put your tongue on anything outside: a dog went pee-pee there
Don’t drink anything in the garage: it’s all poison and we’ll have to take you to the hospital and they’ll put tubes in your stomach and pump everything out and make you watch
Don’t take anything in the medicine cabinet: it’s all very strong medicine and we’ll have to take you to the hospital where they’ll remove your stomach and put tubes in so we can feed you
Don’t drink anything in the kitchen cabinets: it’s all very strong cleaners and you’ll have to spend the rest of the week sitting on the toilet while the cleaners empty your insides
Don’t chase the birds: it’s bad enough we’re feeding them moldy bread
Don’t play in the fireplace: a reindeer went pee-pee in there
Don’t hit Mommy or Daddy’s computers with anything: if they break, Daddy will have to buy new ones…and you’ll have to get a job delivering papers to pay for them
Don’t try to kiss animals: they eat yukky stuff and will try to bite off your tongue
Don’t play in the toilet: Remember, the toilet is dirty even though it looks clean, the germs in there are even worse than the ones under your fingernails…mommy and daddy are even afraid of them
Don’t keep on wearing those old shoes: they’re too small and your feet will shrivel up like the potatoes in the vegetable bin and you won’t be able to run away from mommy or daddy
Naturally, you’ll probably want to add thousands of others to suit your own environment. This is intended as a starter kit only.
Fun Practical Jokes to Play at Work
Having trouble getting through the workday without falling asleep at your desk? Here are a few pranks that are sure to liven up the cube farm.
(NOTE: Don’t be stupid enough to actually try any of the items below, or you’ll find yourself in jail, in the hospital, or, even worse, in the unemployment line!)
1. Change the settings in a coworker’s word processing software so that any instance of the letter “x” is auto-corrected to read “xxx.”
2. Introduce the new intern by a different name to each person he/she meets.
3. Tear a few graphic pages out of an adult magazine, slip them into an assistant’s large photocopying job.
4. Babble incoherently to a co-worker then ask, “Did you get all of that?”
5. TP the VP’s office…while he/she is in the room and on a conference call.
6. Post a fake memo on the office bulletin board announcing Friday as “You’re the Boss” Day, where all employees are to come into work dressed as a member of upper management.
7. Pass around a sheet of paper asking other staff members if they’ll sponsor a co-worker in a spelling bee for dyslexics.
8. Wander the halls, slapping your head repeatedly and mutter, “Will you please shut up?”
9. Wrap plastic wrap over the urinals in the executive washroom.
10. Turn off the receptionist’s ringer.
11. Pretend you work at a collection agency during your lunch hour. Call your imaginary clients and loudly threaten bodily injury if they don’t “pay up.”
12. Tape a piece of toilet paper to your shoe–the longer, the better–and do a few laps around the cube farm and through the cafeteria.
Hints For Mom
• Cut off the crusts
• Remind the Tooth Fairy about inflation
• Buy only the best stain removers
• Ultimatums rarely work…though bribes do
• Remember: It’s just a phase
• Thirteen is way too late to put them up for adoption
• Donate pre-pregnancy jeans to charity…you’ll never fit in them again
• Just when you’ve got them all figured out, they’ll change
• You can only shoot just so much videotape
• Look what being a martyr got Joan of Arc
• You can never have too many Kleenex
• A little fast food never killed anyone
• Socks and underwear are not gifts
• Yes, they need all sixty-four Crayolas
• Tell Dad to share the toys and games
• Scotchguard everything
• Cookie dough is better than cookies
• With luck, they’ll call you once a week after they leave
• With more luck, they won’t call collect
• With a lotta luck, they’ll pay for their own therapy when grown
Winning Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.