If Disney Princes Were Real
They would make terrible boyfriends.
Top Ten Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer
10…Yea, I could use a credit card, I just filed for bankruptcy.
9…What are you wearing right now?
8…I’m wearing….(Add Lib)
7…How do you spell your name, your company name, any kids…etc…
6…OMG I haven’t seen you since high school, (Go on and on)
5…(Screaming) Oh My God I have to go and hang up…..
4…What? What????? I can’t hear you.
3…Can you speak very slowly, I have to write it all down….
2…Can you fax this to me, (Give a fake number)
1…Hey, I’m under house arrest, could you bring me some beer?
Bill Meets Satan
Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room and to Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”
“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him what you knew he would want?”
“Poetic justice” snickered Satan. “The PC has Windows XP. And it’s missing three keys,”
“Control, Alt and Delete.”
1. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
2. I’m just driving this way to get you mad.
3. Keep honking, I’m reloading.
4. Hang up and drive.
5. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
6. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
9. A penny saved is ridiculous.
10. Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.
11. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
12. Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.
13. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
14. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
15. Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.
16. History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
17. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
18. It works better if you plug it in.
19. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
20. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
21. Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
22. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
23. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
24. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
25. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Preparing For Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are some simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
• Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After about 7 months, practice rising from a sitting position with your husband on your lap. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Check out your figure in a full length mirror.
• Men: Go to the supermarket, drug store, children’s clothing store and toy store. Arrange to have your salary paid equally and directly to their headquarters. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it in peace for the last time.
• Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
• To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 3 years. Look cheerful.
• Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear Peanut Butter on the sofa and jelly on the curtains. Hide a fish sandwich in the CD player and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
• Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and four pairs of knee-high socks. Attempt to put all the socks on the octopus. Time allowed for this – all morning.
• Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper roller. Using only tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas ornament. Last, take a milk container, 3 boxes of tooth picks, and an box of Rice Krispies and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for rainy day arts and crafts.
• Forget the BMW and buy a Mini Van. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Take a family-size bag of popcorn and/or peanuts. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
• Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
• Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
• Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
• Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the carpet. You are now ready to feed a 5-month old baby.
• Learn the names, appearance and endorsed toys of every cartoon character on Saturday Morning TV. When you find yourself singing the theme song from at least 5 of these shows at work, you may finally qualify as a prospective parent.
Check out these true and wacky quotes from actual performance evaluations of employees by federal government officials.
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
“A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there.
7. A topologist is someone who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”
9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
10. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Ways To Tell Your HMO Is Going Bankrupt
• Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
• Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
• Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
• Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day.
• Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
• Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
• The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
• With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little ms on them.
“I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”
– Linda Evangelista
“When I model I pretty blank. You can’t think too much or it doesn’t work.
– Paulina Porizkova
“I think, If my butt’s not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn’t be too big for me.”
– Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS
“I don’t know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous.”
– Tyra Banks
ON BODY LANGUAGE
“You can usually tell when I’m happy by the fact that I’ve gained weight.”
– Christy Turlington
“If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time.”
– Linda Evangelista
“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”
– Kate Moss
“I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.”
– Linda Evangelista
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
“When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss.”
– Veronica Webb
“Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl’s hair.”
“I’m a pretty girl who’s a model who doesn’t suck as an actress.”
– Cameron Diaz
Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
“Stop imagining things. There’s nothing wrong with your heel.”
Alexander the Great’s Mother:
“How many times must I tell you… you can’t have everything you want in the world!”
Gautama Buddha’s Mother:
“Forget about enlightenment & this search for peace business; listen to your Father.”
“Don’t you dare ‘get smart’ with me young man.”
Benjamin Franklin’s Mother:
“The very idea… a man your age flying a kite, and in the rain yet.”
Clarence Birdseye’s Mother:
“I’m telling you for the last time…people like their vegetables fresh!”
Albert Einstein’s Mother:
“Get a haircut, will you? Nobody respects anyone who looks as unkempt as you.”
Sigmund Freud’s Mother:
“Stop pestering me! I’ve told you a hundred times, the stork brought you!”
Robert H. Goddard’s Mother:
“What, planes aren’t fast enuff??? What good is this ‘rocket’ of yours anyway?”
Henry A. Kissinger’s Mother:
“Henry, you must improve your English or you won’t amount to anything at all.”
Edwin Land’s Mother:
“Why would anyone need to see a photograph right away?”
Elisha A. Otis’s Mother:
“So tell me… who’s going to get into this ‘lift’ of yours just to avoid the stairs?”
Robert E. Peary’s Mother:
“Yes dear, Santa really does live at the North Pole, but he doesn’t allow visitors.”
Madame de Pompadour‘s Mother:
“For heaven’s sake, child, do something about your hair!”
Don Rickles’s Mother:
“You’d better change your attitude young man. Nobody like a smart alec.”
F.W. Woolworth’s Mother:
“Nobody’s gonna shop in a store that sells cheap junk.”
Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.
Natural Resource and EPA, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, State of Michigan
(This is the State’s Letter!)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS