Telekinetic Coffee Shop Surprise
Confucius Says: It’s OK to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Says: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Says: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Says: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Confucius Says: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
Confucius Says: Viagra is like Disneyland. A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Confucius Says: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Says: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.
How To Calm A Man
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.
The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?
The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me.”
The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick….”
Why Messy Office Is Better Than A Clean One
10. Annoying coworkers will give your cubicle a wide berth.
9. Tons of visual aids in reach to use for explanations about last night’s episode of The Walking Dead.
8. Much more likely to trip and injure yourself for your entry into the lawsuit lottery.
7. Ability to waste an entire day cleaning your office.
6. In case of hostage situation, plenty of makeshift weapons.
5. Perfect camouflage for your unwashed clothes.
4. Taking bets on rat races can be highly profitable.
3. You can pretend to lose the file that will delay the meeting much more easily.
2. If you spill your coffee, there are always crumbs to soak it up.
1. Makes you look busier than neatnik coworkers.
Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.
“Hey! Let’s see your tits, you stuck up penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Screw off you little shits, before I come over there and rip your balls off!”
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, “Was that cross enough?”
Barbie’s I’d Like To See
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole, despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-organization, a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.
America’s Most Wanted Barbie:
She’s on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbie’s who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Home Girl Barbie:
Barbie in a midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like “I don’t think so” “Dang, get outta my face” and “You go, girl” Teaches girls not to take any crap from men and/or condescending people.
Melrose Place Barbie:
Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
Murder, Barbie Wrote:
Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.
My So-Called Barbie:
She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and national recognition.
Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie’s struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes.
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “You too can walk thru life in a stupor. Damn these spike heels anyway!”
The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. While this Barbie can indeed spout mouthfuls at a time, she cannot sing.
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.
Pull the string on her back and she says, “Hi, I’m Barbie and I’m an alcoholic.” Comes with a “One Day At A Time” bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o’ Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading “Only the Weak Don’t Eat” and, of course, an appetite.
Family Stress Test
0 if the statement is never true
1 if it is rarely true
2 if it is sometimes true
3 if it is always true
· Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”
· The school principal has your number on speed-dial
· Both the cat and the dog are on Valium
· No one can understand your kids; they learned to talk thru clenched teeth
· You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf
· Jobs held down by the family exceeds the number of people in the family
· No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners
· “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials
· You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash
· Maxwell House gives you industrial rates
· Dinner guests alternate between Juvenile Services & the Parole Officers
· The neighbors are all chipping in so y’all can go on a family vacation
· You often have trouble calling home, and even “call waiting” is busy
· The Salvation Army rejected your last donation of clothes and old toys
Totaling your Score:
31-40 – A perfect score. Welcome to Parents Anonymous!
21-30 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
11-20 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-10 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
- Mariah Carey
“Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and do the wrong thing.”
- Congressman Gary Ackerman (D-New York)
“An unsupervised teenager with a computer is as dangerous as an unsupervised teenager with a gun.”
- Gail Thackeray, Arizona State Attorney
“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.”
- Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island
“I would never sign a prenuptial agreement. That makes the relationship so shallow.”
- Marla Maples
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
“It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.”
- Linda Evangelista supermodel
“If crime went down one hundred percent, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.”
- Councilman John Bowman; Washington D.C.
“I do expose my body, but only because I think people should have something nice to look at.”
- Brigitte Nielsen, actress
“It sounds vain, but I could probably make a difference for almost everyone I ever met if I chose to involve myself with them either professionally or personally.”
- Kevin Costner, actor
“When I’m really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn’t look at me, he’s probably gay.”
- Kathleen Turner, actress
“The key to this whole business is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
- Monte Clark, former Detroit Lions coach
“In college I slept with a couple of guys, like we all do, and a couple of girls, like we all do. Then I got to New York City and I just blossomed into this sexual creature.”
- Linda Fiorentino, actress
“You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself”
- Joe Pasternak, producer
“Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.”
- Imelda Marcos
“Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.”
- Baseball great Yogi Berra
“I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do.”
- U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno
“Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.”
- Samuel Goldwyn
“I wanted my anger to be valid, and the only way to do that is to be fairly attractive.”
- Courtney Love, singer
“It’s not that I dislike many people. It’s just that I don’t like many people.”
- Bryant Gumbel, TV newsperson
“Leo (Leonardo DiCaprio) knows he’s got sex appeal and he knows how to use it. Yet he doesn’t think he’s gorgeous. And to me, he’s simply smelly, farty Leo.”
- Kate Winslet, actress
“I think a man can have two, maybe three affairs, while he is married. But three is the absolute maximum, After that, you’re cheating.”
- Yves Montand, actor
“Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.”
- Ivana Trump
“From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back.”
- John Madden, sportscaster
* 1-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.
** 2-star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.
*** 3-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.
You’ve had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven’t peed once.
**** 4-star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.
You would give a week’s pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5-star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You’d cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let’s face it, all you can manage to do is breathe… very gently.
****** 6-star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do now, you’re going to vomit.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won’t relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.
How To Get On A Cops Bad Side
1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. Touch his nose
7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
9. Refer to him by his first name.
10. When he says no, cry.
11. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
12. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
13. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.
14. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”
15. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
16. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.
17. When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”
18. Trip and fall into him.
19. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
20. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
Natural Resource and EPA, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, State of Michigan
Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.
(This is the State’s Letter!)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS