5 Undeniable Facts
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.
4. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
5. I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon
• Motor Trend never mentioned a “Chevrolet Caca.”
• Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
• Passenger-side “airbag” is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
• Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
• Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
• Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
• Car has spent more time on “60 Minutes” than on the road.
• Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
• Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
• Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
• The “Jaws of Life” come standard.
• The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
• When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, “Where do you want to go today?”
• You realize too late that it *is* your father’s Oldsmobile.
• Ralph Nader’s home phone number written on dashboard.
• The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lock seals on your air bags.
The Washington Post’s Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit, and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like, a serious bummer, man.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts only until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Everybody Over 50 Was Home Schooled!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Some self-evident truths about pets…
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dog’s have owners. Cat’s have staff.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please… men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
A True Female Story
I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00… On one condition…” Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said…. “Clean my house.”
Cereal companies have been working hard to come up with new exciting breakfast cereals we can all shove down our pie holes in the morning, here are some of their less successful concepts that got rejected.
Toxic Waste Puffs
Kellogg’s Ganja Puffs
Lucky Tabs O’ Acid
Fruit & Fabio
Post-Modern Toasties and Rococo Puffs
Look Again — Them Ain’t Raisins
How to Please Your I.T. Department
01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
02. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.
09. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.
12. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don’t learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “My thingy blew up”.
15. Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean…
NEW – Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.
UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE – Heavy as hell.
LESS FATTENING – Now doesn’t have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.
HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.
NON-REFUNDABLE – We couldn’t make it work long enough to ship it.
FAT FREE – You pay for the food, but the fat is free.