Carrie Fisher Roasts George Lucas at AFI Life Achievement Award
Fun Things To Do In The Elevator
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
• Bring a chair along.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, “Wanna see wha in muh mouf??”
• Blow spit bubbles.
• Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
• Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
• Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
• Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting bigger.”
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, “BAD TOUCH”
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No, I don’t have any idea.”
“Well,” he spoofed,
“Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
She didn’t laugh one bit.
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
“I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = PROFIT
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = PRODUCTION
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = PROMOTION
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = OVERTIME
Worst Things To Hear Over An Airplane Intercom
1. Gooooood afternoon, welcome to Patison Airlines Flight 3492 to Seattle. We have lovely flying conditions out in the skies today, and OHMYFUCKINGGOD NO NO NO NO NO NO NO OH MY GOD NO NO NO OK sorry about that folks it’s back in its cage. Tricky devil figured out how to open locks.
2. Hello, this is your captain speaking. If anyone on the plane has a sorta knob thing, like a button, about 3 centimeters wide, pentagon-ish in shape, please bring it up to the cockpit so we can see if it replaces the one we broke.
3. You ever feel like no matter how much you sleep, you’re never well-rested?
4. Attention passengers who chose fish as the dinner option tonight: I have some potentially tragic news. Everyone who chose chicken can just zone out for the next couple minutes.
5. I really don’t think now is the time to FINE FINE I’ll do it AHEM hey everyone, my co-pilot Rick here is single and ready to mingle. He’s a swell guy and RickpleaseIdon’twanttokeepFINE, his number is 661-
6. In case of an emergency, your seat cushion floats or something. It’s not gonna make much of a difference, to be honest. In those final moments, as we’re hurtling toward the cold, unforgiving sea, the last thing you’re gonna give a shit about is unhooking and holding onto your farty seat cushion. ANYWAY seatbelts should be worn at all times during
7. Now I know your ticket says non-stop to Pittsburgh, but I’m gonna make a quick detour to Cleveland to say hi to someone. Super quick. I’m leaving the engine on, too, so we won’t have to wait around or anything when I get back. You can exit the plane in Cleveland for snacks or whatever if you think you can make it back before me, but I seriously doubt it because I am going to be QUICK.
8. Okay, I just locked the door to the cockpit and finally feel safe enough to say that THERE IS ONE MORE FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON THIS PLANE THAN THERE SHOULD BE. ONE OF THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS IS A FRAUD. PLEASE SORT THIS AMONGST YOURSELVES WHILE I FLY THE PLANE.
9. A little birdie told me that we have a celebrity sitting in First Class on today’s flight! And another little birdie told me that if I ever take off this pair of underwear, my family will burn for their sins. Hold on, everybody shut up; so many birds are trying to talk to me right now through the windshield.
10. For those of you who have never flown before, guess what? Neither have I. Consider this our last night as sky virgins. And, if everything goes well with that stewardess whose name I can’t remember, you know the kinda bald one, then this’ll be my last night as a land virgin, too.
Definitions Of Typical Investment Terms
• STOCK – A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
• BOND – What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
• BROKER – The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
• BEAR – What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
• BULL – What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
• MARGIN – Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation.
• SHORT POSITION – A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Ha ha ha, well, I’m a little short this month.”).
• COMMISSION – The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
• YAK – What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call
The Shaving Ball
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Only In America
1. Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America…do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
How To Look Busy At Work
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisor.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading a computer manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the computer manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork”
The Meanest Insults
01. Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
02. He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.
03. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
04. I’d like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
05. At least there’s one thing good about your body. It isn’t as ugly as your face!
06. Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing
07. Careful now, don’t let your brains go to your head!
08. I like you. People say I’ve no taste, but I like you.
09. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I’d sue my parents!
11. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
12. Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!
14. Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don’t grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap, always closed!
19. You are a man of the world and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought it’s unfamiliar territory.
21. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he’s funny, it’s a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who’s Who as What’s That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you’re here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it’s empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?
The Guide For Women
A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I’VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this.
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET’S TALK, HONEY.
I’m trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks