How America Is Like A Bad Boyfriend
• Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
• Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
• Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
• Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
• Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
• Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
• Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
• Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
• Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
• Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
• Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
• Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
• Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
• Verbal: Able to whine in words
• Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
• Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
The old farmer’s mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule. His $125 didn’t buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. “Jim,” said the mule dealer, “that old mule died last night. I’m real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden.” The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.
A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim’s place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he’d spent on the mule that died.
“Well”, Jim explains, “After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town.”
“Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?”
“No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize.”
“I got it from you.”
“Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule.”
“I know, that’s what I raffled off.”
“My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I’ll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it.”
“Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back.”
Ski Season Training
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!
The M.U.N.S.A. Test
Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly “Interesting movies”? It could be that you’re one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA – Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.
1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?
2. One oft the numbers missing from the series (1, 2, 4,.., 16) is:
3. The letter missing from the series (a, b, c,.., e) is:
4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of laundry detergent for $3.15 each. What will happen?
a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from
b. He wasn’t in a Barber’s shop, it was a Dairy
c. The Barber will ask him if he’s from MUNSA
5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?
a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
e. Why aren’t there (e.)’s in all the other questions
6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
c. Insufficient Data
7. Mona Lisa was:
a. A dissatisfied woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
8. The cold war was about:
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)
Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven’t mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you’re the sort of person we’re looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can’t add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?
90 to 50: OK! You’re the sort of person we’re looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven’t got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.
50 to -20: Who’s been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you’re just a run of the mill schmuck – push off.
-20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and usb drives!
Is 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You’re a leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!
What will MUNSA do for you?
MUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such will have much the same interests. We’ll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our “advanced” class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to public readings of romance novels. Also at the meetings, you’ll have the opportunity to buy:
* Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices
* Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratches on it)
* “Safe” re-locatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited.
As a special initial offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ gets above 25.
Top 10 Uses For Holiday Fruitcakes:
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force in Afghanistan, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer’s garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.
The Dead Lawyer
A guy phones his law office and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry but he died last week.”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”
The Encyclopedia Of Jewish Expressions:
Vay iz meer
An expression which closely resembles “Woe is Me”, and is cried out by Jewish mothers every 15 minutes.
An anthem of true suffering.
People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn’t love a good bargain or has extra skin on his schmeckel.
An endearing term of love which means “little man”.
An emasculating term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think.
A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly.
The only food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse.
In some families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely.
A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is “bitch”.
A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar’s wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married.
Also known as Nafkeh.
A yummy blend of overcooked noodles raisins, and curds of ripe cheese. Not fun to look at. When lathered with sour cream makes an excellent artery hardener.
A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Often eaten by elderly Ashkenazic Jews who slurp noisily and have protruding nose hair. Which is helpful, because it stinks to high heaven.
Also referred to as matzoh balls. Made with Styrofoam and sponges.
There isn’t a laxative in the world strong enough to counteract them.
A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable.
Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell.
Every Jewish family has at least one, often named Irving.
A jerk who can’t do anything right. In simple terms, someone who’s always spilling his soup.
The poor dumb putz – a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on
A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender, adult son loses job and moves back home.
Daughter and baby “Bridget” move back home too.
Potato pancakes fried in castor oil and lightly seasoned with balsa wood. Smells like old boxer shorts.
Ken in- a- hura
A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is going to marry the Jewish surgeon.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
2. Your baby’s favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
3. Your coat-of-arms features a kudzu.
4. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
5. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
6. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
7. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
8. You think cur is a breed of dog.
9. People hear your car long before they see it.
10. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
11. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
12. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
13. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
14. Your birth announcement included the word “rug rat”.
15. You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.
16. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
17. Your bumper sticker says, “My other car is a combine.”
18. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
19. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
20. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn’t. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers shown below.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw” and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter “S.”
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside. Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
6. The only English words beginning with “dw”. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with “S”. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
Ways To Annoy Your Waiter
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo!”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you?”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”
1. Three words: eat the check.