Friday Fun Stuff – 1-30-15

Honest Trailers – Ghostbusters

TV Show Tricks Chronic Catcallers Into Harassing Their Own Mothers

The Peruvian TV show “Harassing Your Mother” performs secret makeovers on the mothers of habitual catcallers, then uses hidden cameras to record catcallers shouting sexual remarks at their own mothers, who furiously upbraid them in the middle of the busy streets of Lima.

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don’t live in Indonesia!)
(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’
(Is this a great country or what?)

Well,…. not as great as Guam!

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)

The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our Government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

An Ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!

Abe Lincoln

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States….”

Church Ladies Are At It Again

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters or computers. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

Dr. Bob

Doctor Bob slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Every once in a while though, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: “Bob, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go…”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

“Bob, you’re a vet…”

Dating Hints For Gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.

It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

Driving Test

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
“In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly

Worlds Smallest Books

• The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
• The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
• Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
• The World Guide to Good American Beer
• Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
• Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
• Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
• The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.
• Consumer Marketing Ethics
• America’s Most Popular Lawyers
• Career Opportunities for History Majors
• Detroit – A Travel Guide
• Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
• Easy UNIX
• Everything Men Know about Women
• George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
• Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
• The Amish Phone Book
• Things I Can’t Afford by Bill Gates
• Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
• Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific
• Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

Women Translations For Men

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…

Translated:* “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

Translated:* “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

Translated:* “I have no idea how it works.”

Translated:* “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

Translated:* “Are you still talking?”

Translated:* “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.”

Translated:* “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

Translated:* “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Translated:* “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

Translated:* “What did you catch me at?”

Translated:* “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Translated:* “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”

Sports Conclusions

Read the following statements and the amazing conclusion:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf.


The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Can You Do Me A Favor And Give It A Turn, Thanks
Can You Do Me A Favor And Give It A Turn, Thanks
Dear Jane Email, That’s Cold!
Dear Jane Email, Thats Cold!
I Don’t Suppose You Could Put This Out Could You?
I Don't Suppose You Could Put This Out Could You
Look At The Bright Side At Least They Can’t Tell When You Screw Up
Look At The Bright Side At Least They Can't Tell When You Screw Up
Pardon Me, Can I Get Any Extra Grease With That?
Pardon Me Do You Have Any Extra Greese WithThat
The Four Monkeys
The Four Monkeys
I Guess She Didn’t Know They Gave Grades To Mothers
I Guess SHe Didn't Know They Gave Grades To Mothers
Congratulations! You’ve Managed To Capture An Unarmed Missionary While A Team Of Navy Seals Has You All In Their Scopes!
Congratulations! You've Managed To Capture An Unarmed Missionary While A Team Of Green Beret's Has You All In Their Scopes!
What, You Said You Wanted A Sexy Wild Blonde
What, You Said You Wanted A Sexy Wild Blonde
It’s Called A Book You Stupid Dumb Ass Kids!!!
It's Called A Book You Stupid Dumb Ass Kids!!!

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