A “Real” Grad School Ad
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield
• With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
• I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
• My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
• It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
• Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
• A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!
• A hooker once told me she had a headache.
• If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
• I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’
• I knew a girl so ugly… they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
• My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
• I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
• The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’
• My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
• I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
• My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
• My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
• My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
• It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
• I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
• I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
• I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
• When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”
• I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
• I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know, kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
• I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.
• I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said: “Nothing your eyesight is perfect.”
• I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
• Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
• One year they wanted to make me a poster boy — for birth control.
• My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Office Toilet Policy
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established which will provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.
On the first day of every month, all staff members will be issued twenty toilet trip tickets which may be accumulated.
All toilet doors will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. All staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress.
Once an employee’s toilet trip bank reaches zero, the toilet doors will not unlock for the employee’s voice until the 1st of the month.
Additionally, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. Should the toilet be occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will automatically open.
If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Any staff member appearing three times will forfeit three months’ toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.
Please be advised that workman’s compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
You Know You’re Middle Aged If…
You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy “age-defying” makeup and “anti-wrinkle” creams and believe they work.
You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
Can Of Hair Spray
A grandfather and his grandson are raking leaves in the yard when the young boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
“Hey, Grandpa,” the little boy says, “I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
“I’ll bet you five dollars that you can’t,” replies the grandfather. “It’s much too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He then sprays the worm until it’s straight and stiff as a board. Picking it up, he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather gives the little boy five dollars, grabs the can of hair spray and races into the house.
Some time later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
“But Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars,” the little boy says.
“Yes, I know,” replies the grandfather. “That’s from your Grandma.”
Sad But True
1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
3. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
4. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
6. Old age is coming at a really bad time.
7. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
8. The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
9. I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.
10. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
12. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
13. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
14. At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns
Dear Frank, I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Humorous Quotes from MD’s & RN’s
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby In the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the Lady’s’ dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed That there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Antonio, TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that He had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running Out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion, she Answered…’Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was Alive.’ Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this Morning?’ ‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the Jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with Purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of Tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly Determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the Surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s Dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN, no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my Embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’ Doctor wouldn’t submit his name (Can’t blame him!)
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.
“This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords.” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’? The Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The man was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in!
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, “I believe, Your Holiness that you’re looking for the word, ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word, “You wouldn’t happen to have a rubber, would you?”
In case you didn’t know, “rubber” is another word for eraser.
Signs You Spend Too Much Time Online
1. Tech Support calls you for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL.”
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone’s else’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so “you can hang out.”
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You’ve gotten on an airplane just to meet some people face-to-face.
8. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
9. Your wife goes into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be “away.”
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation or complete sentences.
12. You begin to say “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.
13. When someone says, “What did you say?” you reply, “Scroll up!”
14. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
15. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know you’re online again.
16. You know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouses’.
17. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
18. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (you were online all night).
Tweets That Will Make Perfect Sense To Married People
No two marriages are exactly alike. That said, there are certain realities of married life that hold true across the board.
Below, we’ve compiled hilariously relatable tweets that spouses are bound to identify with.
Marriage is just texting each other “Do we need anything from the grocery store?” a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
You maintain a silent competition to see who the dog loves more. #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Judge You Harshly™ (@JudgeYouHarshly) July 30, 2015
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
I don’t CARE where you put “it” just PLEASE put “it” back in the same place every time so I can find “it.” #MarriedPeopleIssues
— DWilliamsmh (@DWilliamsmh) July 31, 2015
“I can’t wait to take a hot shower, get in bed with you, and work on my latch hook.” Hunh. Not where I thought that was going. #marriedlife
— Sacha Brady (@zigged) December 31, 2015
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) July 26, 2015
Me: Dang, how’d I manage to marry up? Esther: I want to pop that pimple. #marriedlife pc:… //t.co/7T2jQ1V7NK
— Jacob Fu (@jacobthefu) January 7, 2016
Wife: You wanna share a seltzer (can) with me? Me: Sure! Definition: Get up and get me a drink. #marriedpeopleissues #marriedlife
— Kirk-Alert (@rello000) August 20, 2015
Nearly falling in the toilet at 3 a.m. because he left the seat up. Again. #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Megan Gonzalez (@MegDGonzalez) July 30, 2015
“Will you like my Instagram I just posted please?” “Sure.” Married life.
— Josh Hafner (@joshhafner) December 29, 2015
Marriage is just a series of prolonged pauses before one asks the other, “… Did you fart?”
— Amanda M. Steiner (@amandamichl) September 19, 2015
That moment when you realize neither of you remember whose toothbrush is whose #marriedpeopleproblems
— Cole Furfaro-Strode (@colestrode) April 12, 2015
Should we really be spending $1000 at Costco? We don’t have kids. #marriedpeopleissues
— •°Morgan°• (@morganhitt) July 30, 2015
Being forced to stop reading “The Martian” because “WTF its 3 a.m. can you turn off your light?” #MarriedPeopleIssues #itsareallygoodbook
— Andy Domek (@AndyDomek) August 1, 2015
#MarriedPeopleIssues Working hard to get fit and your spouse is an enabler armed with ice cream and pizza.
— Gwendolyn (@crankyfae) July 30, 2015