Bugs Bunny’s Worst Date Ever
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than “going blind!”)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of … ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Girl’s Night Out
The other night I was invited for a night out with “the girls”. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight “I promise!”
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing that my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “midnight”. He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock”. When I asked him why he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘Oh. Shit, then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR’S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”
“Later this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans. The vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder, ‘Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan?’” -Conan O’Brien
“There are three things I never want to hear again on a first date, ‘So…how much cash do you have on you?’ ‘Wow! You’re a big girl!’ and ‘Wanna hold my gun? It’s loaded.’” -Jennifer Fairbanks
“I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It’s so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college.” –Ross Shafer
“What’s the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket–she’s prepared to shop. What’s the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn–he’s prepared for traffic.
“What’s the first toy a little girl wants? A doll–she’s prepared to shop with friends. What’s the first toy a little boy wants? A gun–he’s prepared for traffic.” — Jason Chase
Continuing Education Courses For Women
• Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
• The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
• Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
• Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
• Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
• Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
• Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . .
• Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
• Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
• Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
• Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
• Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
• Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
• Introduction to Parking.
• Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
• Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
• Water retention: Fact or Fat.
• Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
• Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
• Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
• Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
• Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To.
• Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
• Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
• Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
• Ballet: For Women Only.
• Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
• Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges & Monty Python.
• “Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?” – Why Men Lie.
• TV Remotes: For Men Only.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you’re not really my type
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, health care, government health insurance, the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, credit card debt…..
I called the Suicide Hotline.
Got a freakin’ call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Cultural Differences Explained
Dislike being mistaken for being British when abroad.
Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Believe you should look out for your mates.
Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Believe that that’s the government’s job.
Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Brits in every sport they play them in.
Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Add “G’day mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get some.
Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Cross their southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Cross their southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m
“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!,” says the
“What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched cocks,” he replied.
She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”
Lease a Nuke!
Iran take note
Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite enemy squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected annihilation?
Lease a nuclear device!
In the wake of the former Soviet Union’s demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.
Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to achieve tremendous effect in the designated target’s military, political, economic and social well being.
Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police’s encouragement.
By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.
Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to acquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.
Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?
Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.
With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army.
The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d’états.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability.
The best part is, you don’t pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.
Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.
Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact The Halliburton Corporation for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.