Hilarious Southwest Airline Safety Presentation
1. Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
2. Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
3. We are the people our parents warned us about.
4. Sex is nobody’s business but the three people involved.
5. Duct tape is like the force it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. The only difference is saying “May the force be with you,” is a lot nicer than saying “May you be covered in duct tape.”
6. Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
7. Money is the root of all wealth.
8. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
9. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
10. When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
11. The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.
12. Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
13. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
14. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
15. There are three kinds of people those who can count and those who can’t.
16. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
17. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
18. Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
19. Money can’t buy everything. That’s what credit cards are for.
20. After all is said and done usually more is said.
21. Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools.
22. Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
And my all time favorite…
Life Is Short, Eat Dessert First!
We thought this standardized form would help simplify the dating process and make it more business-like…
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as “The Perfect Guy [ ] Girl [ ]“. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
• Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
• City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong
• State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
• Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
• Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
• Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
• Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
• Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
• The youngest pope was 11 years old.
• First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades – King David
Clubs – Alexander the Great,
Diamonds – Julius Caesar.
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
• “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• The term “the whole 9 yards” came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.”
• Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
• The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
• The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
• The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.
• The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
Julie Andrews Turning 79
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for a benefit. One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from the legendary movie; ‘Sound Of Music’.
Here are the lyrics she used:
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac’s and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Secret Government Project Revealed…
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
“Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”
These are actual calls to technical support help desks… (Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)
(Yes these are from the 90’s but there still funny as hell!)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhhh… uh… uh… yeah.”
Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
The Warning Signs of Insanity…
• Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from.
• You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
• Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
• You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
• You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
• Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
• People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
• Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through that scuba mask.
• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
• Your father pretends you don’t exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
• You collect dead windowsill flies.
• Every time the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its wings!”
• You like cats. Especially with mayo.
New Years Diet Poem
‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a garment would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibble, the eggnog I’d taste,
At those holiday parties went straight to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
I walked to the shop (less a walk than a lumber),
And thought of the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way that I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
When I put on my extra-large husband’s old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
“You can’t spend the winter disguised as a man!”
So away with the last of the sour cream dip!
Go, fruitcake! Go, cookies! Go, cracker and chips!
Each last bit of food that I like must be banished
‘Till all the additional kilos have vanished.
I won’t have that ice cream, not even a lick,
I’ll chew only on a long celery stick.
I won’t have choc biscuits, or white bread, or pie
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
“They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.”
– Cindy Crawford
“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”
– Beverly Johnson
“I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that.”
– Christie Brinkley
“I loved making ‘Rising Sun’. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth.”
– Tatjana Patitz
“Because modeling is lucrative, I’m able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.”
– Kathy Ireland, star of ‘Alien From L.A.’ and ‘Danger Island’
ON CAREER CHOICES
“My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian.”
– Paulina Porizkova
“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.” — Kim Alexis
“Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament.”
– Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH
“I love the confidence that makeup gives me.”
– Tyra Banks
BBC News – UK Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth” Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapantsexplained, “I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.