Trump Inauguration Day Weather Report
Twas The Night Before Inauguration
‘Twas the night before inauguration, and all through the States
Half the country was worried ’bout the future they face.
Liberals were soaking their sorrows in gin,
With the knowledge that Donald would soon be sworn in.
Meanwhile, Trump was not snug in his bed,
But was waging a flamewar on Twitter instead.
SNL did an impression of him,
And the joke had got under his very thin skin.
All the news cycles gave the rant undeserved airtime,
As we sprang to our screens to see what he did this time.
Some called him stupid, while others agreed,
And into his ego the nation did feed.
And no matter your views, there was one thing for sure:
We were dealing with something we hadn’t before.
Because our future POTUS’s aims were untold,
And nobody knew what the future would hold.
Sure, Trump had said lots of things when he ran,
Like that he’d build a wall and put Muslims on ban.
But he changed what he thought at the drop of a hat.
So the promises made were worth diddly crap!
What we DID know was coming was scary as foock.
Donald Trump filled his cabinet with dumb alt right crooks.
They all spread lies and exploited our fears,
And vowed to undo all the Obama years.
The ones who seemed sane started licking Trump’s balls.
Just take a look at the House Speaker Paul.
Mr. Ryan would rather let Trump run amok,
Than admit the Republican party fucked up.
What’s worse is that Trump’s number two in command
Only looked out for straight, white Christian men.
If we impeached Trump for some future offense.
We’d still have to deal with a President Pence.
It was hard to say which man posed less of a threat
Who’s better: a narcissist or a bigot?
’cause even though he seemed devoid of a soul,
Pence at least seemed to have some self control.
But Donald was driven by pride and by greed
He wanted the power but did not want to lead.
He only desired to feel like the best.
He couldn’t have given two shits ’bout the rest.
If Donald felt threatened, he’d start to lash out
He’d insult and name call and scream and he’d shout.
He’d spew random bullshit to fight for his cause,
Paying no mind to the facts and the laws.
Just look to Twitter to see how he thought.
With each passing message he fought and he fought.
Each minor slight made the Donald explode.
And he’d soon be given our nuclear codes.
Trump ended his tantrum and soon went to sleep,
For tomorrow he’d be named commander in chief.
But he sent one last tweet ‘ere he went out of sight:
A link to fake news written by the alt-right.
Old Age Love
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.’ The old man hung his head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!!!’
Some People Just Make Things Way More Complicated Then They Need To Be
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
• Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2017, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999999.
• Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
• Freud: The fact that you are thinking that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
• Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.
• L.A. Police Department: Give me 10 minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
• Timothy Leary: Because that is the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
• Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat. It did not cross the road.
• Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, Why he did, I’ve not been told!
• Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
• Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
• Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
• JFK: Eich und eine chicken.
• Josef Stalin: I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
• Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individuals chickens cross roads at this historical juncture and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrence into being.
• John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
• Albert Camus: It doesn’t matter. The chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him.
• Mulder (X Files): It was a government conspiracy.
• Scully (X Files): It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
• Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
• Darwin #2: It was the logical step after coming down from the trees.
• Oliver Stone: The question is not “why did the chicken cross the road?” but “who was crossing the road at the same time but was overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing the road?
• Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place?”
• The Pope: That is only for God to know.
• Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
• Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
• M.C. Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
• George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
• Plato: For the greater good.
• Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
• Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
• Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you.
• B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
• Jean Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
• Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
• Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
• The Sphinx: You tell me.
• Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
• Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road. It transcended it.
• Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
• Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
A little girl says, “Daddy, I wish I had a little sister.”
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, “Honey, you do have a sister. You just don’t see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door.”
The little girl thought about this and remarked, “You mean like my other Daddy does?”
The Story Of Someone Getting A Haircut
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
• It’s not what I do, but the way I do it. It’s not what I say, but the way I say it. (Mae West)
• Another fine mess you’re gotten me into. (Stan Laurel)
• History is more or less bunk. (Henry Ford)
• The realization that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully. (Samuel Johnson)
• Never give a sucker an even break. (W.C. Fields)
• If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. (Bert Lance)
• Go ahead, make my day. (Clint Eastwood)
• The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. (Mark Twain)
• When the going gets tough, the tough get going. (Joseph P. Kennedy)
• I’m fat, but I’m thin inside…there’s a thin man inside every fat man. (George Orwell)
• I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
• Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. (Joseph Heller)
• Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. (Mark Twain)
• What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea. (Mahatma Ghandi)
• Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie…A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. (George Orwell)
• It’s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. (Marilyn Monroe, asked if she really had nothing on in a calendar photograph)
• Chanel No. 5. (Marilyn Monroe, asked what she wore in bed)
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died January a year ago, and Citibank billed her in February and March for their annual service charge on her credit card account, then they added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance which had been $0.00, was now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
*Citibank:* “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
Citibank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Citibank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”
Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”
(I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?”
Citibank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.”
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you she died in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.”
(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
Citibank: (Stammering) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.”
(Lawyer info given)
Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.”
(Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”
Citibank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
Citibank: “That might help.”
Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
Citibank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?”
Why Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
“Howdy, is this the DEA?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“Well, you see I’m calling about my neighbor Billy Bob Jenkins. The thing is, he’s hiding a stash of marijuana inside his firewood…”
“Sir, thank you very much for your call.”
The following day, a crack squad of DEA agents descended on Billy Bob’s house. Bursting into his shed, they find the stash of firewood. Using axes, they bust open every single piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left…
The phone then rings inside Billy Bob’s house:
“Hey there Billy Bob…Did the DEA come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy”
Schitt Lineage Revealed
Just who is Jack Schitt? Finally, the lineage is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Read on and you will be better able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, senior partner of Kneedeep N Schitt Inc.
Subsequently, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple had six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ wishes, Deep Schitt married a high school dropout named Dumb Schitt.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Later, Noe Schitt married Bradley Sherlock. Out of consideration for her children, who were living with them at the time, Noe decided to hyphenate her last name, thus becoming Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and the couple produced a spineless son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, who were inseparable throughout their childhood, subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. Recently, he returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, any time someone happens to say, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.