Carol Burnett Show – Star Trek Parody
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Be Careful When Throwing Stones
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town’s morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
You Know You’re a Mom When . . .
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor . . . and you don’t care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.
3. You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc…. and you think it’s funny.
12. You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
15. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
16. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.
17. You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet . . . you STILL managed to gain 10 pounds.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
“Are you the owner?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
You may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dotie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. If not then you probably don’t know this, but there is not one single swear word in their comedy.
* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London – there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
* Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says, “The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
* Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
Reply To Anti-Fur Activists
Here’s a good comeback for when someone comes up to you and complains about you wearing a fur coat:
“You know a cow was murdered for that leather jacket?”
You reply, staring deeply at them and speaking in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”
Top 10 Party Games for People Over 60
1. Sag! You’re it!
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
6. Doc, doc, goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Musical recliners.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Hide and go pee!
Where Has All The Lipstick Gone?
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
Words To The Wise
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
• Always yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.
• Eat Well . . . Stay Fit . . . Die Anyway.
• No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Who is Jack Schitt?
Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage revealed…
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “you don’t know Jack Schitt.”
Soon you will be able to handle this situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt.
Against his parents strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr Scherlock and because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name also. She became known as Noe Schitt Scherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and the produced a cowardly son – Chick Noe Schitt (Chick N. Schitt for short). Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse Schitt.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned with his new Italin bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says that you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them and ask if they are related to any of the above.