Friday Fun Stuff – 1-15-16 Toxic is Sexy

If Gyms Ads Were Honest

Women Jokes Questions And Answers

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Can My Dog Stay at Your Hotel?

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

Really Annoy People

Here are some ways to really annoy people big time…

• Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
• Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
• Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip…”
• If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
• Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
• Speak only in a “robot” voice.
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.
• Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
• Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Name your dog “Dog”.
• Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up”.
• Reply to everything someone says with “That’s what YOU think!”
• Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
• Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• Practice making fax and modem noises.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
• Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person”.
• Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
• Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
• To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say “Fine you pay!” then leave.

Fighting Neighbors

Two neighbors Oliver & Alan had been fighting furiously with each other for as long as they could remember. One day Oliver bought a Great Dane and taught it to do its business in Alan’s back yard. For the next six months, however, Alan simply ignored the dog.
Oliver then decided to buy a cow and again taught it to go and use Alan’s garden as a dumping ground. After about a year of this – but still no complaint from Alan – one morning Oliver gets awoken by the rumbling of a huge truck pulling up outside his neighbors house.

Running out of his home, he demands that Alan tell him what is contained in the monstrous 18-wheeler.

“Oh”, says Alan, “it’s Betty, my new pet Elephant!”

New Medications

Advances in science have lead to new medicines that make the lives of women around the world a little better…

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

St. Mom’s Wort
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person?”

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

More effective than Excedrin in treating the, “Not now, dear, I have a headache,” syndrome.

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging at him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Out Drinking

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Why I Was Fired From The Toy Store

Some of the many reasons I was fired from working at the local toy store…

• Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”
• You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
• You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
• Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they’re the new “Jerry Springer” edition.
• The “My Little Taxidermy Kit” (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
• Source of reefer smoke finally traced to “nostrils” of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
• Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
• Caught hocking phlegm into tykes’ hands and telling them it was “homemade Gack.”
• Your sales display, “Barbie’s Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu” was not exactly an overwhelming success.
• Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
• Regardless of the question, you answer, “Bite me, kid — I’m on break.”

The Tooth Fairy

Dear _________________,

Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found

( ) it was not a human tooth

( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action

( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy

( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit

( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string

[ ] pliers

[ ] gunpowder

[ ] hammer marks

[ ] chisel

[ ] part of skull attached to tooth

[ ] no dental care
( ) other reason

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.


The Tooth Fairy

Secret Cat Diary

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Parent Definitions

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family…

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge”.

No I’m Not Going To Wear A Helmet! I’ll Look Like A Dork!
No I'm Not Going To Wear A Helmet!  I'll Look Like A Dork!
Thank You Amazon!
Thank You Amazon
Just Look At All These Hotties!
Just Look At All These Hotties!
Sure Beats A Stairmaster
Sure Beats A Stairmaster
You Have To Be This Rich To Get One Of These Girls
You Have To Be This Rich To Get One Of These Girls
Well I Didn’t Know You Had Extra Diapers
Well I Didn't Know You Had Extra Diapers
Is It Wrong That So Many Of These Are About Sex?
Is It Wrong That So Many Of These Are About Se x
But Who Sells More Magazines?
But Who Sells More Magazines
I Don’t Know Why You Wanted To Come To The Beach, Nothing Ever Happens Here
I Don't Know Why You Wanted To Come To The Beach, Nothing Ever Happens Here

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