How Dirty Is Your Mind
1. Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.
2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
3. It works better if you plug it in.
4. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
5. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
6. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
8. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
9. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
10. “I love cats…they taste just like chicken”
Give Him An Orange
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calm and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”
Possible IBM Acronyms
IBM: It’s Being Mended
IBM: Immense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I’ve Been Mislead
IBM: It’s Better Manually
IBM: Indefinitely Boggled Machine
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I’ve Been Moved
IBM: I’ve Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Bureaucratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It’ll Be Messy
IBM: It’s Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible – IBM contemptible
After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling:
Dear Vending Service
Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending service.
We are aware that _____________ machine has not been stocked in _____ days.
__ We are waiting for the weekend.
__ We are out of items that have expired.
__ We’re busy, don’t bother us about this.
__ We don’t care.
We are aware that the price for _______ seems high at $_______ but,
__ we have to make a living.
__ we use an algorithm 3 x retail + your age.
__ we charge others more.
__ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.
We are aware that…
__ the sodas are warm
__ the milk is curdled
__ sandwiches are stale
__ gum is hard
__ candy bars are petrified
and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really.
We understand that…
__ the bill changer can’t,
__ coin return won’t,
__ product selection doesn’t,
…and believe that…
__ you should relax, it all evens out.
__ learn to live with it.
__ bring in your own change next time.
__ be happy it gave you anything.
__ quit eating so much junk food.
Thank you and Happy Eating.
The Darwin Awards Are Out!!!!
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. [Guess this is a posthumous award!]
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
Remember….they walk among us…and they breed…and they vote!
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just f#$ck off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Things Actually Said in Job Interviews
Hiring managers shared these memorable interview responses:
Why are you leaving your current job?
“Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building.” – Abbe Mortimore, human resources manager, True Textiles Inc.
“I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes.” – Smith
Why are you looking for a job?
“Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job.” – Pechstein
“My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I’m here.” – McGowan
Why do you want to work for us?
“Just for the benefits.” – Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
“My old boss didn’t like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!” – Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
“I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?” – Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, communications director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity
What are your assets? (as in strengths)
“Well, I do own a bike.” – Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
What are your weaknesses?
“I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won’t get mad at you.” – Pechstein
“I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning.” – Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
“I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job.” – Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
“I’m really not a big learner. You know … some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that’s just not me. I’d much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn’t change a lot.” – Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
“Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that.” – Rachel Croce
Is there anything else I should know about you?
“You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends.” — Venné
When can you start?
“I need to check with my mom on that one.” – Bolzan
Use three adjectives to describe yourself
“I hate questions like this.” – Katrina Meistering
Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
“I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement.” – Meistering
Have you submitted your two weeks’ notice to your current employer?
“What is two weeks’ notice? I’ve never quit a job before, I’ve always been fired.” – Meistering
“One guy [said] ‘it would probably be best’ if I didn’t run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement.” – Charles
“[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport.” – Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
“I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] ‘Oh, my gosh — they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I’ve got no money — so I borrowed this thing. It’s too big!’” – Beth Ross, executive and career coach
“Wow — I’m not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?” – Bolzan
“May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night.” – Smith
“[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, ‘Well, I don’t like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn’t put that school above the others.’” – Darby
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) “Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated.” – Smith
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
2. Every time you see a road sign that says “DIP” you reach in your back pocket.
3. You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
4. You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
5. You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
6. The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
7. The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
8. You think “dual airbags” refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
9. Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
10. Your school dress code contains the line “Shoes Optional”.
11. You’ve ever worn hunter’s orange to church.
12. You have barnyard animals living in your house.
13. Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
14. Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, “Gun control is a steady hand.”
15. Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
16. You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
17. You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
18. You don’t use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can’t see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors’ dogs when they get into it.
19. You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
20. You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.
Be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in the future:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
The Software Development Life Cycle
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.