Slave Leia PSA Starring Kaley Cuoco Edit

Unlikely Barney Episodes

1. “BARNEY GETS A BONER”
2. “BARNEY’S NIGHT WITH MADONNA”
3. “BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD”
4. “BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS”
5. “JURASSIC BARNEY”
6. “BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN”
7. “BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS”
8. “BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER”
9. “BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG”
10. “PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO”
11. “BOPPING BABY BOP”
12. “BARNEY’S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS”
13. “BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET”
14. “BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA”
15. “BARNEY ON A BENDER”
16. “BARNEY HAS NEEDS…”
17. “BARNEY AT BETTY FORD”
18. “BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS”
19. “BARNEY’S BIG PURPLE ONE”
20. “BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL”
21. “BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE”

Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

Society’s Burning Questions

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
4. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
5. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
6. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
7. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
9. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do… write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
10. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
11. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
12. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
13. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
14. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
15. Clones are people two.
16. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
17. No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
18. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
19. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
20. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
21. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.
22. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
23. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
24. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
25. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
26. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

The Psychiatrist And The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided, that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Tech Support

1. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
2. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
3. “So…what are you wearing?”
4. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
5. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
6. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ’60 Minutes’. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
7. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
8. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
9. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
10. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
11. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of ‘Dianetics’.”
12. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’s attorney.”

Types Of Boyfriends And Girlfriends

Boyfriends
1. Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

3. Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

6. The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but–”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”

9. Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Girlfriends
1. Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

2. Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

3. Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love on the front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

8. Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

9. Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

True Stories Told On Insurance Forms

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Warning Labels

1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(And that would be how…?)

4. On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.”
(But it’s “just” a suggestion)

5. On a tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down.”
(Oops, too late!)

6. On bread pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
(As night follows the day….)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(But wouldn’t this save even more time?)

8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”
(I gotta admit, I’m curious.)

12. On peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.”
(NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?… Good grief)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.”
(“Hey Mom we’re out of syrup!” – “It’s OK, honey! Just grab the Palmolive!”)

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: “If swallowed contact poison control.”
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: “Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.”
(“Hey, no more swimming in the washing machine, kids!” – “Aww, you mean we have to use the swimming pool?”)

Variations On Murphy’s Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Wailer’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Conway’s Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can’t fall off the floor.
15. Heeler’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
17. Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
18. Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, losamoney, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed. with another man.

“Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

Who Says Blackmail Can’t Be Fun

Damn! I Should Have Thought Of That!

Mommy Why Are You Licking Your Lips Like That?

Even Worse They Have Their Own Lawyers

Of Course Not, That’s Women’s Work

Some People Spend Way To Much Time With Photo Shop

This Is What We Used Before We Had The Special Safety Goggles

The First Person To Die Of Alcohol Poisoning Wins

No I’m Not Going To Do Any More Tricks Today! I’m Tired And I’m Taking A Nap

Hey I Didn’t Know These Things Came In Different Sizes

Rowan Atkinson – The School Master

‘SNL’ ‘Fox & Friends’ Corrections

Once again, Saturday Night Live opened with a sketch that poked fun at Fox News’s Fox & Friends — and ended with a fast-moving scroll that listed a few things the show’s fact-checkers wanted to set straight before going to break. As always, the corrections were topical (“Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard”), totally random (“New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel”), and everything in between.

Here’s the full list:

Kentucky Derby losers are not turned into Ikea meatballs.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev did not accidentally blow up vowels in his own name.
The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco De Mayo.
President Obama does not want to take away T-shirt guns.
Most women have only two breasts.
The Memphis Grizzlies are not a gay blues band.
Scientology was not founded by I Ron Man.
Bangladesh is not an 80s metal band.
Peaking at ladies’ butts is not a background check.
Actual crows do have feet.
Pot pie is legal in every state.
The California wildfires are not a soccer team.
Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard.
The NRA is not a branch of government.
Foreign visas do not let Russian students go on shopping sprees.
Rick Moranis was never put on death row for shrinking his children.
New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel.
A French press is not lifting weights with your tongue out.
Lena Dunham is not a girl ventriloquist.
Number 2 pencils are not sad that they lost.
Plan B birth control is not masturbating.
Justin Bieber and Anne Frank were not an item.
President Obama did not just wake up in Mexico.
F.A.A. does not stand for “Fart A**, A**”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles.
Kanye West is not an African American vacation destination.
Syria is not Arabic for “serious.”
Rice and beans are edible. Ricin beans are not.
Casual Friday is not in the Bill of Rights.
Sam Adams was not too drunk to sign the Constitution.
The Gitmo prisoners are not working on their beach bodies.
Force feeding is not how Jedi’s eat.
Kevin Costner does not live in Watertown.
Smurfs are not elected.
Smurfs are not appointed.
Smurfs are cartoons.
Aretha Franklin and Patti Labelle have been in the same room together.
Anytime minutes don’t let you call the future.
4 and 3 aren’t basically the same thing.
Rock beats scissors.
Zach Braff is not the sound a trumpet makes.

The sad part is that these weren’t made up. FOX “News” actually said them.

Devil In The Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

Fun Things Not To Do At A Funeral

1. Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you’re the deceased’s gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow’s limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased’s wooden leg to someone poor who can’t afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn’t like them.
17. Use the deceased’s tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased’s gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased’s lips just before the widow’s last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one’s looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased’s mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream “MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!” and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you’re from the IRS and you’re confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn’t keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

New Guidelines For Employees

1. DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

2. SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

3. SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

4. PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

5. VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4, and December 25.

6. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deceased friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your work is done.

7. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

8. RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going once each day, in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

9. LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Murphy’s Laws On War

1. Equipment that must work together, can’t be carried together to the battle.
2. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
3. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
4. Anything you do…..can get you killed, including nothing.
5. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
6. Try to look unimportant, the enemy may not want to waste a bullet on you.
7. Tracer bullets work both ways.
8. If you can see the enemy with binoculars, they can see you with binoculars.
9. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
10. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
11. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
12. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
13. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
14. Your new boots will always be…..’On Order’.
15. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
16. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie, never stay awake when you can sleep.
17. Your first meal of the day may also be your last.
18. If you have a personality conflict with your superior: He has the personality, you have the conflict.
19. Don’t be the first, don’t be the last, and don’t volunteer for anything.
20. The worse the weather, the more you are out in it.
21. The weather is biased.
22. If only one solution can be found then it is usually stupid.
23. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
24. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.

Top Drug-Using Cartoon Suspects

1. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

2. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!

3. Snagglepuss
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

4. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say “Animal Abuse”?

5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? – Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..

6. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

7. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

8. Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.

9. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.

Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Buy Someone’s Used Sofa

If The Owner Says:

1. “That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made.”
2. “Have you had your shots?”
3. “If you find any fingers in there, pack ‘em in ice and give us a call.”
4. “It’s almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out.”
5. “It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery.”
6. “It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway.”
7. “You can have those Fritos.”
8. “I once spent ten days tied to this couch.”
9. “It’s non-flammable, unless you really try.”
10. “It should be clean, we hosed it off.”
11. “Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars.”
12. “It can even float for nearly an hour.”
13. “You like the smell of beer, don’t you?”
14. “It’s not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough.”
15. “I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then.”
16. “It used to be a lot longer.”
17. “You’ll need the brick to keep it level, unless you’ve got a saw.”
18. “AmVets and GoodWill wouldn’t take it.”
19. “Don’t smoke near it.”
20. “You can hardly tell where they hurled.”
21. “The fire hardly touched this side.”
22. “It only smells this way when it’s humid.”

$8 Bill

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.

He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

Top 25 Country Songs

1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Good-bye
2. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run So We’re Even
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Daddy’s Head)
6. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. She’s Actin’ Single And I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go away
9. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better Before I knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
12. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
13. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
14. I’m So Miserable Without You; It’s Like Having You Here
15. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass My Heart
20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
22. You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
24. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
25. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few

Things Not To Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. And they say romance is dead…. (in the janitor’s closet)
6. Can you please try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8. Is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me brake out.
11. Person 1: this is your first time…right?
12. Person 2: yeah today
13. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! (in the No Tell Motel)
14. Can you pass me the remote control?
15. Do you accept Visa?
16. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
17. On the second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
18. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
19. So much for mouth-to-mouth
20. Try not to leave any stains, o.k.? (using body paint)
21. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober.
22. It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo. (holding a banana)
23. Do you get any premium movie channels?
24. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya’?
25. But I just steam cleaned this coach! (preparing to use peanut butter sexually)
26. Got any penicillin?
27. But I just brushed my teeth…
28. Smile, you’re on candid camera!
29. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
30. I want a baby!
31. You could at least act like you’re enjoying it!
32. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no!
33. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
34. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlin!

Your Not Going Fishing, That’s Bait!

I Told You E.T. Didn’t Taste Like Chicken

And The Mother Of The Year Award Goes To…

Either I Go Or The Bike Goes!

Oh Yeh, That’ll Get You A Date

Are You Sure It Wasn’t Chocolate? Just Hoping For Her Sake

Hey Get Away From Me!!! You First Kid

Why Some Americans Really Shouldn’t Go To The Pool

Great Disguise Super Girl But I Think You Forgot Something

It’s About Time Someone Got Rid Of That Damn Frog!

Happy Mothers Day!

George Carlin – The 10 Commandments

Happy Birthday George We Miss You!
One of the few people who knew how to cut thru the bullshit and make it funny!

10 Things Never To Say To A Working Mom

1. It must be hard missing all those special moments every day.
2. I suppose it’s smart that you’re working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day.
3. I’m surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful.
4. It’s cute when they call your nanny “Mama.”
5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day.
6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care?
7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that’s just me!
8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else’s mom.
9. You must feel so guilty.
10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go.

Don’t Mess With Moms

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The “Children’s Bill of Rights.”

It says I need not clean my room,
don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
and I sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don’t you ever touch me,
my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
and it’s illegal too!

Mom, I have these children’s rights,
so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
better know as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts and pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn’t care,
if I bought you K-Mart shoes,
instead of those Nike Airs.

I’ve cancelled that appointment
to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
so I’ll decide what’s best.”

I said, “No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.”

He asked, “Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I’m selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike and roller blades,
Check out the “Parents Bill of Rights,”
It’s in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?”

JOB DESCRIPTION: MOM

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, no one would have done it!!!!

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

You Know You’re a Mom When . . .

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor . . . and you don’t care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

3. You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicle’s become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc…. and you think it’s funny.

12. You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

15. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

16. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.

17. You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet . . . you STILL managed to gain 10 pounds.

The Last Of The Mom Dictionary!

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”

TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.

“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Pregnancy Questions

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline
irrational
A: So what’s your question?

Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Famous Stupid Quotes

All of these Famous Last Words are all real statements made by real people. Some of the statements seem so ridiculous that its hard to believe that they were actually said. Sometimes a persons ego is bigger than the reality they are trying to comprehend!

“Of all the wild, crackpot and idiotic schemes, this is the most foolish”
British Postmaster General Lord Lichfield, shown a new idea called a ‘ stamp ‘by Rowland Hill circa 1839

“We don’t like the sound, guitar groups are on the way out”
Decca PR man Mr. Dick Rowe on being offered a contract with the Beatles in 1962.

“The Olympic games can have no more a deficit than a man giving birth to a child”
Mayor of Montreal Jean Drapeau, the hosted the 1976 Olympics, it cost the city One Billion Dollars

“X-rays will be proven to be a hoax”
Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1893

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible”
Another classic by Lord Kelvin, said in 1895.

“Radio, pah! it has no future”
Yes him again!! said in 1904.

“I think that there may be a world market for possibly five computers”
Thomas Watson, Chief IBM executive, 1958

“So we decided to go to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing!, Even built it with some of your parts, what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, “No.”, So we then went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, “Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t even got through college yet”
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s Personal Computer.

“He will never amount to anything very much”
Munich High School report on Albert Einstein

“Ha Ha, Those cigarettes will never become popular”
Cigar makers E.G. Alton turning down a contract with John Player, 1890

“Ah that, yes, well, very interesting Whittle, but dear boy it will never work, so forget it”
Aeronautical engineering professor lecturing to jet engine designer and inventor Sir Frank Whittle, 1930.

“I’ve never felt better”
Douglas Fairbanks Sr, 1939, He died the very next second.

“The Bullet hasn’t been made that can kill me”
Jack `legs` Diamond, Gangster, shortly before being gunned down in 1931

“I do not believe that there will be a woman Prime Minister in my life time”
Education Minister Margaret Thatcher, 1973. Who became Prime Minister in 1979

“The notion that these iron coaches can replace cavalry is absurd”
One of Field Marshall Haig`s generals after inspecting tanks 1916

“No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris”
Orville Wright, shortly after he and his brother Wilbur accomplished the first man powered flight.

“Submarines won’t do anything but suffocate its crew and flounder at sea”
H.G.Wells on being asked for his honest views on submarines in 1901

How To Dump A Guy

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply…

___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

_____________________

Modern Economic Lingo

1. CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
2. CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
3. BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4. BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
5. VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
6. P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
7. BROKER — What my broker has made me.
8. STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
9. STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
10. STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
themselves.
11. FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
12. MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
13. CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
14. YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
15. WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Last year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
17. PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

Mommy Mommy…

Crude, rude, lude, and simply disgusting!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister’s guts.
Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whiskey and deal those cards.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I’ll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s Throwing up in the bathroom.
That’s ok dear your father can take care of himself.
But Billy’s eating all the big pieces.

I did warn you!

Welcome Home Mom, We Decided To Help You Paint!

Busted By A Cool Mom

If Their The Best There Ever Was, How Come There All Fake?

It’s Only Fair

Mom, Dad, Meet Your New Daughter In Law

Mommy, Look At All The Little Kitties!

Mommy, Is That My Bone Sticking Out Of My Arm?

Talk About Mommy’s Little Helper

Who Are These Kids? And Why Are They Calling Me Mom?

You Just Wait Right Here And Mommy Will Be Right Back

National Teacher Appreciation Day is on Tuesday, May 7, 2013.

The Six Girls You Date In College

Major Auction Benefit in Washington

Christie’s and Sotheby’s just announced their joint sponsorship of a new and important auction to take place in the US Senate Congress on Memorial Day, in which ALL US SENATORS WILL BE AUCTIONED OFF to the highest bidder to further public transparency of Senatorial allegiances, following the outcry caused by the recent Senate rejection of every single gun control measure before it.

The audience is expected to include several thousand lobbyists representing the oil, gas and coal sectors, insurance, healthcare providers, gun manufacturers, large farmers, weapons industries, banks and other G Street occupiers. Bidders will be allowed to form “syndicates”, similar to those made famous by the Maffia, which will enable them to purchase “portions” of each Senator, representing their particular interests. The successful bidders will place their winning bid into a “Senatorial Trust Fund”, to be used for reelection by the designated recipient.

This scheme was resoundingly endorsed by the Senate by a vote of 98 for, and 2 against, (Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, threatened to filibuster the auction).

Critics are saying this new initiative is nothing but a Ponzi scheme since it is well known that every single US politician is already sold out many times over.

Dictionary Of Musical Terms

JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC: A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA: People singing when they should be talking.
RAP: People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK: Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND: 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL: Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC: OK as long as it’s not the house next door.

California Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on baby,

Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
“Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb…..but all men…are men!

More South Park Quotes

Kenny: Mmmmf mmmf mmmmmf mmmmmmm mmmmf mmmmf mmmmmmmmf mmmf.
Stan: Totally, dude.
Kyle: Good point, man.

Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Satan: Saddam. But… I killed you.
Saddam Hussein: Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?

Mr. Garrison: Don’t lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.

Leopold ‘Butters’ Stotch: Everything is back to normal. I-I think… I think I can go back to trying to destroy the world again.

Mr. Garrison: Well, damn it, Eric, don’t you have some smart-ass thing to say?

MTV announcer: You’re watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We’re so cool that we decide what’s cool. And now MTV News. The News that is single-handedly dumbing-down our country, which is cool.

Mrs. Crabtree: Sit down or the bunny dies!

Stan Marsh: This is hopeless. We’re just going to have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.

Hell, everything’s legal in Mexico. It’s the American way. – Uncle Jimbo

In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini. – The Newsreader

No, that’s wrong, Cartman. But don’t worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people. – Mr. Garrison

Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny.
Kyle: [unenthusiastically] You bastard.

Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.
Kyle: [shouts] We killed Kenny?
Stan: Yup. We’re bastards.

Stan: Oh my god. Jay Leno’s chin killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastard.
Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.

Interviewer: So, are you guys as anti-Semitic as some might believe?
Matt Stone (Co-Creator of South Park): You know, a lot of people have accused South Park of antisemitism, but I’m Jewish, and so I can say with some certainty that I am not anti-Semitic.
Trey Parker(The Other Creator of South Park): I am, however.

Company Car

A funny perspective look at how we or how some people actually drive a Company car.
The company car is unique, its special and its unlike any other car that you will ever drive for the following reason……Its not yours!

SPEED
They can travel at higher speeds in any gear, especially reverse.
The acceleration rate is stupendous.
They can negotiate speed bumps twice as fast as a private car.

MAINTENANCE
They are self maintaining as regards fluid levels because they never really need to be checked as often, if at all.
The super tough bodywork can take any amount of damage.
They don’t need to be cleaned as often, inside or out.
All repairs can be carried out with the cheapest after-sales spares available.

SECURITY
They can be left unlocked anywhere any time no worries.
They can be left with the keys in the ignition.
They don’t need to be garaged at night.
Visible theft deterrents such as steering wheel locks are never needed.
Locking wheel nuts or any anti-theft devices also need not be employed.

CONTROLS
The window winders can be wrenched round at any speed.
Gear levers can be grabbed and rammed home into gear with no incurring damage.
Clutch pedals can be side stepped so it smacks up faster for that quick pull away.
The clutch can also be ‘slipped’ on hills instead of applying the hand brake to hold the car in place. Company car clutches are super duper and never ever wear out….magic!

BODYWORK
The bumpers are specially designed to move annoying obstacles like shopping trolleys, boxes, waste bins etc.
The paint is impervious to all scratches.
Cracks in the glass can be ignored.
Doors can be slammed very hard.

INTERIOR
The floor is shaped just like an ash tray…..amazing!
They can carry anything on the seats, bricks, animals, concrete, tool boxes.
The upholstery is totally impervious to cigarette ash, make-up, burns, burger sauces of any variety, oil, petrol and grease.
Ancillary electrical items can be forced into the cigar lighter socket with no damage.
The radio’s controls can be jabbed hard with no damage.
The floor mats can also serve to wipe mud of your shoes.

DRIVING
You can drop into a lower gear at higher speeds.
You can hold a lower gear at higher speeds before changing up, consequently the engine can be over revved easily.
They can be driven up to and over 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
The suspension is reinforced to allow the transportation of heavy building materials.
The turning radius is much tighter.
Unusual engine noises can be ignored indefinitely.
You don’t need to let the engine get up to temperature before you floor it.
They can be driven through deep puddles faster, for that bigger splash effect.
The car can be driven over rough road surfaces including pot holes at normal speed or faster.

BRAKES
They can brake in half the distance.
Hand brakes can be left partially on whilst pulling away.
Hand brakes can also assist in spinning the car around ‘J’ turn style at high speed.

WHEELS & TIRES
The tires are designed to bounce off all obstacles, with special side wall reinforcement segments to protect from scraping.
Making doughnuts…or shaped skid marks through excessive wheel spins is easily accomplished with no damage to transmission or any other part.
Wheel spins can be accomplished with no wear to the tires of course.

PARKING
When parked on a hill just put it into gear and leave it.
Handbrakes can be pulled up to their extremities.
You can park anywhere, grass verges, muddy banks, areas covered in trash.
You can park into spaces for much smaller cars with ease.

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Our Society Is Doomed

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 and I said, “May I have large bills, please”

She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’

We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
– From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child’s name?
“Le-a”
Leah?? NO
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It’s pronounced “Ledasha”.
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.”

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us……and they VOTE

Tooth Fairy Form Letter

Dear ____________:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
(x) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

I Told You We Should Have Asked For Directions!

Words To Live By

How Long Do They Just Float There Like That?

They Wouldn’t Have Had To Say It If Someone Hadn’t Had Done It

Death To All Suck Heads!

Ok I Give Up, How The Hell Did That Happen?

Sure I’ll Take You To A Strip Club For You Birthday Hubby, I Know Just The Place

I Hate It When They Get All Clingy Like That

No Mater How Big You Think You Are There’s Always Someone Who Thinks Their Bigger

Yeah She’s Gotta Be From America

Borat On Fox And Friends

Cool Things To Do In A Gym Shower Stall

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune “It’s a Small World After All.”
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.
10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm”, making the sound of their animal in the stall.
12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.
13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

Indian Genius Vs. White Man Stupidity

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:

- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

Cat Commandments

* Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
* Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
* Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
* Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.
* Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human’s genital region.
* Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
* Thou shall not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.
* Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
* Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
* Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Solve The Riddle

Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn’t have one,
The POPE has one but doesn’t use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns’s was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s

what is it?

A last name……. Were you thinking of something else?

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, “oh geez, better get cracking,” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy and play it with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country,” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, “Merry Christmas.”
If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

What Would You Do?

A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man.

“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.”

Female English Vs. Male English

Female English

Yes = No
No = Yes
May-b = No
“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
“Do what u want” = You’ll pay 4 this later!
We need to talk” = I need to bitch.
“Sure……Go ahead” = I don’t want you too.
“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset, u stupid moron!
“How much do you love me?” = I did something today your not going like me for.
“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.
“You have to learn to communicate!” = Just agree with me.
“Are you listening to me?” = Too late, you’re dead!

Male English

“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry
“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy
“I’m tired “= I’m tired
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I take you to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Nice dress” = Nice cleavage.
“You look tensed, let me give you a massage” = I want to fondle you.
“What’s wrong? “= What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex?
“I love you” = Let’s have sex right now.
“I love you too” = Okay I said it we’d better have sex now!
“Let’s talk” = I am trying’ to impress you by shown that I’m a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me!
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

Real Excuse Notes From Parents

(With their original spelling)

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Special Classes For Men

1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.

3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

6. Class 6: Loss of Identity – Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.

7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things – Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

8. Class 8: Health Watch – Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

11. Class 11: Learning to Live – Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing. Location and times to be announced.

12. Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

13. Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

14. Class 14: The Stove/Oven – What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

So Cute But So Wrong!

Even Super Hero’s Have Problems

And We All Know How Dangerous That Can Be

Because You Just Love Yours So Much

So You Want To Go Out Sometime? I Don’t Know, How Rich Are You?

Just Wanted To See If You Were Still Reading

I Don’t Think That’s What They Meant When They Said You Had To Use A Car Seat

It’s All A Mater Of Perception

I’m Not Even Going To Go There

Yogurt Flavor?…Really? What Ever Happened To Plain Old Soda Pop?

British Cowboy for Horse Meat

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Who Said Poetry Is Boring?

Cancel Your Credit Cards

Yes, be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

A lady died last year in January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe you should turn it over to collections.’

Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’

Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’

Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’

Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’

Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

Citibank: ‘That might help….’

Family Member: ‘Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’

Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’

(Priceless!!)

And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?

Dog Named Mypenis

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name was Mypenis?

- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn’t come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won’t get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he’s sleeping with the lady next door.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can’t find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

I’m Thirsty

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later: “Da-ad…”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”

Five minutes later… “Daaaa-aaaad…”

“WHAT?!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together, and then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL’.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Still In Love After All These Years

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when the old woman died. The entire family showed up for the funeral, and every day after the funeral the old man would visit the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.

The groundskeeper at the cemetery, after two months of observing this ritual, decided to go talk to the old man.

“Hello there. You know, I see you come out here every day to visit your wife’s grave and I just think that so sweet. I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.”

“No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I’d do it myself, but I’d get arrested for indecent exposure!”

Think Before You Speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
“How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl0wj0b?”
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls”

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s willy last night!”
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”.
I kept thinking “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.”
Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
“No,” he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
“SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Happy & Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.”

IRS Audits Grandpa!!!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.

Holly Spoiler Batman!

Yeah, That Helps

You Might Have Told Me Before I Got On The Road

Those Damn Star Wars Jawa’s Are Always Making Trouble

Who Taught Her What Twinkie Ment?

I Wish There Was Something I Could Get That Excited About

Hi, Did You Order The Heart Attack Burger?

Common Guys The President Isn’t That Bad A Golfer

Where Do I Download That?

I’d Want Him To Wear Those Too

Game For Gamers – It’s Time To Score!

“The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.” — Mark Twain

“The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.” — Will Rogers

“No taxation without regimentation.” — Archie Bunker (fictional TV character on “All in the Family”)

“Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you’re a corporation, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you’re a moocher?” — Jon Stewart

“They can’t collect legal taxes from illegal money.” — Al Capone

“As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan.” — Dave Barry

“We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” — Leona Helmsley

“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” — Will Rogers

“You don’t pay taxes — they take taxes.” — Chris Rock

“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.” — Dave Barry

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.” — Paula Poundstone

“Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.” — Andy Rooney

“I think most people… would be glad to pay the same taxes they paid when Bill Clinton was president, if only they could have the same economy they had when Bill Clinton was president.” — Howard Dean

“There aren’t many downsides to being rich, other than paying taxes and having relatives asking for money. But being famous, that’s a 24-hour job right there.” — Bill Murray

“The rich aren’t like us, they pay less taxes.” — Peter De Vries

“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.” — John Maynard Keynes

“Death, taxes, and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them.” — Margaret Mitchell

“The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes — naturally, no one wants to live any other way.” — Judith Martin

“This is a question too difficult for a mathematician. It should be asked of a philosopher” (when asked about completing his income tax form) — Albert Einstein

“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.” — Joe E. Lewis

“The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose.” — William Simon

“Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors…and miss.” — Robert Heinlein

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” — Dave Barry

“Dear IRS, I am writing to you to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.” — Charles M. Schulz (Snoopy)

“Our tax code is so long it makes ‘War and Peace’ seem breezy.” — Steven LaTourette

“Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.” — Oscar Wilde

“On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.”
~ Tom Lehrer

“If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street. If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat. If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat. If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.” — The Beatles

Understanding Your Paycheck:

Gross pay: $1,222.02

244.40 Income Tax
45.21 Outgo Tax
61.10 State Tax
5.89 Interstate Tax
6.11 County Tax
12.22 City Tax
4.44 Rual Tax
1.11 Back Tax
1.16 Front Tax
1.61 Side Tax
2.22 Up Tax
1.11 Down Tax
1.98 Knickknack Tax
3.93 Hackensack Tax
0.98 Thumb Tax
0.69 Carpet Tax
8.32 Snack Tax
3.46 Sur Tax
3.46 Ma’am Tax
5.00 Parking Fee
10.00 No Parking
81.88 F.I.C.A.
9.95 T.G.I.F
5.85 Life Ins.
16.23 Health Ins.
2.50 Disability Ins.
0.25 Ability Ins.
3.41 Liability Ins.
4.50 Dental Ins.
4.33 Mental Ins.
0.11 Fundamental Ins.
6.85 Coffee
66.51 Coffee Cups
3.06 Calendar Rental
16.85 Floor Rental
4.32 Chair Rental
4.32 Desk Rental
5.85 Union Dues
3.77 Union Don’ts
0.69 Cash Advances
121.35 Cash Retreats
1.26 Over Time
54.83 Under Time
9.00 Eastern Time
8.00 Central Time
7.00 Mountain Time
6.00 Pacific Time
4.44 Daylight Savings
12.21 Time Out
10.22 Oxygen
16.54 Water
38.23 Electricity
51.42 Heat
46.83 Air Conditioning
169.24 Misc.

Total Take Home Pay = $0,000.02
This is where the expression “just my 2 cents” came from.

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”. But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.

Moral of the story: “Hard work is never appreciated.”

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
3. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
5. Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Some Old Some New

An angry wife to her husband on phone:
“Where the hell are you …?”
Husband: Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said “Baby it’ll be yours one day … “:)
Wife, with a smile & blushing: Yeah I remember that my Love!
Husband: I‘m in the Pub just next to that shop!!

A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip?
All of them gave a same reply…”What trip?”

New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
“Hello Darling”
The husband responds in a low tone:
“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

Lion pounced on wife
In an African Safari, a Lion suddenly pounced on Max’s wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
MAX: Yes, Yes. I’m changing the battery of my camera.

Throwing knives at wife’s picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her “Hi, what are you doing?”
His honest reply, “MISSING YOU”

Habit of talking in sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has the habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

Part & Art of living
Having a “WIFE” is a part of “living”…
But having a “GIRLFRIEND” along with the “WIFE” is “art of living”.

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt,
Tsunamis to devastate,
Hurricanes to sway around
& no one teaches how to choose a wife,
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Why did you shoot your wife?
Judge: “Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Defendant: Your honor, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting a man every week.

Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!

Facebook Status Translator

Facebook can be a wonderful tool. It’s good for reconnecting with old friends and organizing social events. Sadly, Facebook also has a dark, dark underbelly that could deflower your innocent mind if you are not careful. Due to spending an unhealthy amount of time reading Facebook statuses, I have been able to develop an accurate translation for what Facebook statuses actually mean.

Enjoy.

Facebook Status Number 1: I luv my gf so much!!!! She is teh lite of my lif. We hav a luv tat wil last 4eva!
Translation: Despite my claims that our love will last forever, chances are that our love will only last just a couple more weeks. Hopefully, this status will make my girlfriend put out. Also, I cannot spell. I am a moron.

Facebook Status Number 2: UGGGGHHHH!!!! I hate my life. Why does everything always go so wrong for me?
Translation: Attention. I crave it.

Facebook Status Number 3: Worshipping Jesus/Allah/No one/ The Flying Spaghetti Monster/ Tom Cruise is right and everyone else is wrong!!!!!
Translation: I’m bored and I really want someone to argue with me right now.

Facebook Status Number 4: I’mmmmm ssssssoooooo drrrrruuuuunnnkk rite now!
Translation: I’ve had two shots of vodka.

Facebook Status Number 5: I hate the opposite sex. They suck.
Translation: Why won’t anyone go out with me? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I generalize the very people that I so desperately want to be with. I also fail to realize that the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me.

Facebook Status Number 6: I like smoking crack and I am a child molester!!!!
Translation: This status was made by a friend of the Facebook account holder. The Facebook account holder is obviously not a crack smoker or a child molester.

Facebook Status Number 7: I GOT SO MUCH SWAG BRO. BOW. DRINK UP TONIGHT! SWAG!
Translation: I need to be removed from the gene pool. Capital letters make a Facebook status 75 percent cooler. The fact that I exist make people doubt the very existence of God.

Facebook Status Number 8: My birthday is tomorrow!!!
Translation: Please wish me a happy birthday on Facebook tomorrow. Your “Happy Birthdays” validate my existence.

Facebook Status Number 9: -Insert copy and pasted status here-
Translation: I know everyone has already seen this status a million times. I think everyone has to see everything at least a million and one times before they are truly affected. Also, if rocks could die, I would have the creativity of a dead rock.

Facebook Status Number 10: IM SO SICK OF ALL THE DRAMA!
Translation: I am not sick of all the drama. Please give me more. Maybe drama can fix my caps lock key.

Facebook Status Number 11: Eating some pizza!
Translation: People care about my dietary choices.

Facebook Status Number 12: I’m so proud of little Johnny for scoring a goal in soccer today!!!
Translation: My kids are better than your kids, bitch. Your child doesn’t have shit on little Johnny.

Facebook Status Number 13: So, what do you guys think about politics?
Translation: I don’t want to argue, but I want other people to argue on my status. Getting tons of Facebook notifications makes me feel good about myself.

Facebook Status Number 14: I NEED YOU SO BAD BABY GIRL!!!
Translation: I have no interests and hobbies beyond my soon-to-fail relationship. Also, I need my baby girl to fix my caps lock key.

Facebook Status Number 15: Check out this link to the new rap I made and then put on Youtube.
Translation: Click this link and you’ll hate yourself for life.

Facebook Status Number 16: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are!
Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.

Testing Lifesavers In Class

A teacher was doing a study tasting the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say:
“Red… cherry,”
“Yellow… lemon,”
“Green… lime,”
“Orange… orange,”
Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
“Well,” he said, “I’ll give you all a clue; It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: “Oh, my God! They’re assholes!!!

10 Signs You’re In The Doghouse

1. She avoids making eye contact with you.
Fellas, we all know that women love making eye contact with their man. If she’s avoiding your gaze, it can only mean one thing: you’re in the doghouse!

2. She stops talking to you.
Women were put on this earth to talk. If she’s giving you the silent treatment, you better figure out what’s wrong and patch things up because guess what? You’re in the doghouse!

3. She says everything’s “fine.”
If you ask what’s wrong and your woman says everything’s “fine”—you KNOW things are bad! Pay attention to her tone of voice; if she uses a sarcastic tone or a tone that’s hard to describe or a regular tone, you are definitely in the doghouse!

4. She swears that “really, everything is fine.”
When you relentlessly demand to know what’s wrong and she continues to insist that “really, everything is fine,” there’s no question that you have been sentenced to the maximum security wing of the doghouse penitentiary. You better find out what you did so you can apologize!

5. She says you’re “scaring her.”
One telltale sign that you’re in the doghouse is when, after you’ve locked your woman in the crawlspace and told her you won’t let her out until she says what you did wrong, she claims that you’re “scaring her.” What she’s really saying is “Welcome to the doghouse, mister!”

6. She says she “never wants to see you again.”
Women say all kinds of funny things when you let them out of the crawlspace after a couple weeks, but if she says she never wants to see you again—you know something’s up. News alert: you’re probably in the doghouse!

7. She files a “restraining order” against you.
Be suspicious any time your woman’s lawyer tells you that you are no longer legally allowed within 200 yards of her because of that whole crawlspace business. Nine times out of ten, what she’s really saying is that your woman is upset with you and wants you to know that you’re in the doghouse. Sounds like someone better go buy some roses!

8. She “marries someone else.”
If you don’t hear from your woman for several years and then find out that she has gotten married, she’s clearly trying to tell you that something’s wrong! You’re going to need more than roses to get you out of this one. A nice orchid should do the trick. Bring the orchid to your woman’s new house and apologize for whatever you did wrong!

9. She pretends she “doesn’t know who you are.”
Every guy has been here: your woman has gotten married to send you a message, so you show up at her new house with a beautiful orchid and she pretends to have no idea who you are. Meanwhile, her new husband has you in a headlock and wants to know how you got into their house. Suddenly, your woman claims that the cops are on their way. Woops! Pop quiz: What is rapidly losing circulation to its brain and totally in the doghouse? Answer: You!

10. Your court-ordered psychiatrist says that “your entire relationship with the individual you insist on referring to as ‘your woman’ is an elaborate fantasy-turned-delusion that your subconscious created as a mechanism to avoid acknowledging the crushing disappointment of your real life. The woman and her husband have decided not to press charges on the condition that you commit to seeking professional mental help.”

If there’s one dead giveaway that your woman is angry with you, this is it! Go ahead and pour yourself a bowl of kibbles, ‘cause—you guessed it: you’re in the doghouse!

What Is A Dilemma

One friend said to the other: what is a dilemma, actually?

He replied: well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

Alimony:

1) A contraction of the term “all-his-money”.
2) A splitting headache.
3) It’s the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4) Paying for something you don’t get.
5) That’s the same as buying corn for somebody else’s cow.
6) The high cost of leaving.
7) The last laugh.
8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband’s checkbook.
9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10) A woman’s cash surrender value.
11) The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who’s alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

No Arms Or Legs

The madam of a whore house hears the front door bell ring so she opens the door. When she sees that no one is there she starts to close the door and hears a guy say, “I’m down here”. Lying on the ground is a man with no arms or legs.

The madam says, “With out any arms or legs what do think you’re going to do here?”

The guy says, “I rang the door bell didn’t I.”

I’m Not Cleaning His Litter Box

At Least Someone Does

This Sounded Like A Lot Better Idea At The Rehearsal

Don’t Want Any Visitors? Just Unhook The Cable… If You Really Don’t Want Them Just Wait Till Their Almost Across

We Don’t Have Food But We Do Have 500 Channel’s…And Theirs Still Nothing On

Awkward Moments in Facebook

Trust Me Their Too Stupid To Care

From The New Open Source Stork Email

What, You Actually Thought It Would Be Easy

I Don’t Know Where This Fear Of Clowns Comes From Doctor, I’ve Just Always Had It

The Women Of LA

PG13 Song about the women in LA…unfortunately it’s mostly true.

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law
- You can’t shave
- Your wife can’t shave
- You can’t wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- And your wife smells worse than your donkey Then they tell you that “when you die, it all gets better”?
Well no sh!t Sherlock!….
It’s not like it could get much worse

Good Quips

“When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.” – Desmond Tutu

“America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.” – David Letterman

“I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.” – Howard Hughes

“After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.” – Italian proverb

“Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for years.” – May West

“The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.” Jean Kerr

“I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.” – Jeff Foxworthy

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips

“Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.” – Harrison Ford

“The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.” – Spike Milligan

“Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.” – Robin Hall

“Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.” – Jean Rostand

“Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

“We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.” – W.H. Auden

“In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.” – Jonathan Katz

“If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson

“I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.” – Steve Martin

“Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.” – Jimmy Durante

“As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” – John Glenn

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?” – Steven Wright

“America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.” – Doug Hamwell

“The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who’s there.” – George Roberts

“If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!” – Jonathan Winters

“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Robert Benchley

What Did He Say?

You have got to read this twice

Two JAMAICANS having a conversation in a LONDON BUS

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can’t take this any more,
“You foul-mouthed se x obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our se x lives.

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.
“Who talkin’abouta se x? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi ‘.”

I bet you’re gonna read this again!

Adult Jokes

So don’t blame me if you’re offended, I did worn you.

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next sh!t could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@stard!”
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.

Why Did You Miss Work?

As far as excuses go, nothing will ever seem as unbelievable or induce quite as many eye rolls as, “The dog ate my homework.” However, working adults don’t always have the most believable excuses either. When asked to share the most memorable explanations employees have used for missing work, employers reported the following real-life examples:

•Employee’s sobriety tool wouldn’t allow the car to start
•Employee forgot he had been hired for the job
•Employee said her dog was having a nervous breakdown
•Employee’s dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation
•Employee’s toe was stuck in a faucet
•Employee said a bird bit her
•Employee was upset after watching “The Hunger Games”
•Employee got sick from reading too much
•Employee was suffering from a broken heart
•Employee’s hair turned orange from dyeing her hair at home

South Park Quotes

Kyle: We’re guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.
Stan: And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Hey. You did me already.

Stan: Dude, we don’t have any talent.
Cartman: That didn’t stop any of the other boy bands, damn it!

Mr. Garrison: Well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sex!st statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I’m sorry, Wendy. But I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
-Eric Cartman,

Sometimes lying is okay, like when you know what’s good for people more than they do.
-Rob Reiner, South Park,

Officer Barbrady: You can’t kidnap people and lock them in your basement!
Cartman: They’re not people; they’re hippies!
-South Park,

Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned.
Stan: No, Jay Leno’s chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.

Kyle: Cartman, that’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said…this week.

Butters: I don’t want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.

Eric Cartman: Come on Kyle. Just because your mom is a bitch doesn’t mean that we all have to suffer.

Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn’t you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick b@stard.

Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna’s are totally gay.

Timmy: TIMAHHHH!!!

Tweek: But what if I’m trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?

Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Stan: We’re not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
Stan: I said, “We’re not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.”
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

What Did You Want?

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’

The Best Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter se xual exhaustion?’

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

Why Some Men Have A Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

And last… but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

To test this theory lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour…
Then open it and see who’s happy to see you…

The Things I Owe My Parents!

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning.”

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing & break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper”

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My Parents taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite:
25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

It’s A Beemer I Can Make It!…Not Anymore

Nobody Cuts Her Off

We Could All Use One Of These

But How Many Muscles Does It Take To Pull The Trigger?

Hi I’m Officer Barney What’s Your Name?

It Took 4 Years, But He Finally Became Scarier Then The Devil

I Promise I Won’t Do It Again Daddy!

Don’t Worry About It Global Warming Isn’t Real!

Don’t Bother, It Doesn’t Work, I Already Tried

A Hell Of A Lot Braver Then Me

MADtv: Miracle Natural Cures

1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, the houses get smaller. Unless you keep pulling this stick, then the houses get bigger again.
3. Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
5. The propeller is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. If it stops, see how he sweats.
6. A good landing is one you can walk away from. A great landing is one where you can reuse the plane afterwards.
7. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice versa.
8. Always keep the number of take-offs equal to the number of landings.
9. There are three simple rules to a smooth landing, and nobody knows any of them.
10. Helicopters cannot fly. They are just so ugly that the Earth repels them.
11. In the ongoing battle of an aluminum tube going hundreds of miles an hour, and Earth going zero miles an hour, the Earth has yet to lose.
12. It’s usually a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward.
13. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea, it is the law. And it is not subject to repeal.
14. There is no such thing as an emergency takeoff
15. Flying is the second greatest feeling in the world. Landing safely is the first.

The Air Force has a rule: – “If the wings are moving faster than the fuselage it is a helicopter and should be considered unsafe”.

A Glass Of Wine Or Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don’t and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

Employee Job Application Definitions

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.
I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I’m outta here.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Democrats vs. Republicans

The nice version from 1971

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans employ exterminators.
Democrats step on the bugs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.
Neither are Republicans.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.
Democrats ought to, but don’t.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.
They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they’re entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republican husband and wives sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.

Sex After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. “You’ll be fine,” he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

More Creative Answering Machine Messages

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy’s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I’ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is Susan. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I won’t.

Hi, this is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I’ll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

I don’t exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I’ll call you back when I do…

HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to… I mean, do FOR you.

Take A Cab Home

I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

Too Many Differences Between Men & Women

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings women talk about “the ceremony.” Men talk about “the bachelor party.”

CHEERLEADERS: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

LAUNDRY: Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweat suit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.

POLITICS: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy’s is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

SOCKS: Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

CLASSIC MOVIES: For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark’s face in Public Enemy.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.

Miscellaneous Quotes

Darwin and NASCAR do not mix.
-Eric von Haessler of The Regular Guys, a NASCAR fan

It helps if the hitter thinks you’re a little crazy.
-Nolan Ryan

It’s not premarital se x if you don’t plan to get married.
-The Vent

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
-a T-shirt at ThinkGeek.com

Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.
-Robert A. Heinlein

The supreme irony of life is that no one gets out of it alive.
-Robert A. Heinlein

“Too late.”
-Douglas MacArthur’s axiom that all military disasters are explained by two words

I like vengeance as much as the next guy, if the next guy likes vengeance a whole lot….
-Jonah Goldberg

Common sense is not so common.
-Voltaire

Wouldn’t it be interesting to have an occasional zebra in a horse race?
-The Vent

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
-Dave Barry

How do you delete the Recycle Bin?
-Adam Schroeder, posing the great philosophical question of the 21st century, a modern conundrum to rival the old Buddhist question, “What’s the sound of one hand clapping?”

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
-Steven Wright

My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
-Steven Wright

Now, I ain’t sayin’ he should have killed her…but I understand.
-Chris Rock, on O.J.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
-Mark Twain

Oral se x should be an Olympic sport. Why? Because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re any good at it, you deserve a medal.
-Lewis Black

If you can’t answer a man’s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
-Elbert Hubbard

…each new generation born is in effect an invasion of civilization by little barbarians, who must be civilized before it is too late.
-Thomas Sowell

Make love, not war.
Do both, get married.

But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean—sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food—I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.
-Dave Barry

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
-Mark Twain

Have you ever wondered why it takes a bride months and months to plan a wedding, but a good funeral can be pulled together in two days? The elements are all the same—church, minister, music, flowers, guests, food.
-alert reader Lori Rispoli, in a letter to Dave Barry

Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.
-Winston Churchill

He’s [Stu Miller] got a fastball you could catch in your teeth. Three pitch speeds: slow, slower, and reverse.
-Coach Jim Murray

Hey! Crazy Cat Lady! Where’s Are Food!?

Redneck Air Conditioner Repair

I Don’t Think This Is What Darwin Had In Mind

These People Bring A Whole New Meaning To Customer Service

The New American Dream

COOKIE!!!

So That’s The Difference Between Art And Pornography

Go On Touch A Button We Dare Ya!

You Didn’t Think Woman Doing Something Stupid Was A New Phenomenon Did You?

What Do You Mean It’s No Longer Under Warranty?

What Do You Mean It’s No Longer Under Warranty

The Inner Debate of Single Girls

10 Ways To Know If You Have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving – call 1-800-***-****.”
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Business Classified Definitions

CLICK TO E-MAIL ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You’ll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you’re fired.

Men’s Bathroom Etiquette!

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as “restrooms,” “bathrooms,” “outhouses,” “commodes,” “men’s rooms,” and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren’t allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General Rules:
1. Don’t talk to somebody you don’t know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don’t spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there’s any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don’t do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal Rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X……(X = occupied, . = empty) X…..X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet Rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an un-flushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special Cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Potty and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

Show Me The Money!

A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
If money’s the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
All I ask is to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
Even the blind can see money.
Expert – Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
It’s not the money I want, it’s the stuff.
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
Money burns a hole in my pocket…how about yours?
Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
Money is the root of all bills.
Money may buy “friendship,” but it cannot buy love.
Money Talks – and it usually says NO!!
Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
This country has the best politicians money can buy.
Time and Money. Two things we don’t have enough of.
Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
Visit your money this year…vacation in Washington D.C.
When money talks, it usually says “Bend over.”
You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
No one kills over drugs…they kill over money.
Alimony? …sounds kind like all your money

Definitions For People With Children

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

Unethical Doctor

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have s ex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering……….

“You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”

More Of Men Vs Women

LOW BLOWS: Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, “Oh gee, that must hurt.” The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store.”

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk,” women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: Big Screen TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

The Medium

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

Why Babies Need Lots Of Clothes

1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib…baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.

2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don’t have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze…or even if you do…baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.

3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the un-expecting admirer… but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.

4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless…baby will find spot.

5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.

6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today…size 3 on Wednesday…

7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.

8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee…let’s see if the washing machine has eaten today…

9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night…that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws.

10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else’s stash and the clothes look cleaner…just trade…they will probably be too tired to notice.)

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Las Vegas. ”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

Defeat!

Gloria Steinem’s Mother Taught Her Many Things…Luckily It had The Opposite Effect

I Don’t Know About You But hate Cleaning Up After A Sick Animal

Yeah, All Of Them!

It’s True Because I Read It On The Internet

What’s The Matter Kid Don’t You Like Clowns

That’s Less Then One Percent Of All Doctors… Not A Really Good Statistic If You Ask Me

Well What Did You Expect With An HMO?

Where Is My List Again?

Now You Know What They Mean By A Big Gulp