Guy Stuff – Jokes – Women

Fatherly Advice: Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on both knees for you.

Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in Sassy Magazine … women ask them anyway.The Five Questions are:

“What are you thinking?”
“Do you love me?”
“Do I look fat?”
“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”
“What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say honestly.

1. What are you thinking?
The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

Baseball
Football
How fat you are
How much prettier she is than you
How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, who said, “If I wanted you to know, I’d be talking instead of thinking.

2. Do you love me?
The correct answer to this question is “Yes”. For those who feel they need to be more elaborate, you may answer “Yes, dear.”

Wrong answers:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by “love”.
Does it matter?
I’m sorry, were you talking to me?

3. Do I look fat?
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
Compared to what?
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I’ve seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?
The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by your were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is. “No, you are much prettier.”

Wrong answers include:
Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. What would you do if I died?
Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the tiers of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

“Dear,” said the wife, “what would you do if I died?”

“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset.” said hubby “Why do you ask such a question?”

“Would you remarry?” persisted the wife.

“No, of course not, dear” said the husband.

“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.

“Of course I do dear” he said.

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” she asked.

“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”

“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

“Yes” said the husband.

“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.

“Well, yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.

“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “and would you let her wear my old clothes?”

“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.

“Really,” said the wife icily, “and would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”

“Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do.”

“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “and I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”

“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left handed.”
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Dating Hints For Men
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…
•I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
•I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.
•I used to come here all the time with my ex.
•Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
•I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.
•It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.
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How To Get Her To Divorce You While Making It Look Like Her Fault
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn’t know about it. Pout and exclaim, “And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU.”

When you know she’s grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, “I’ll get the rest of it for you dear.” Feign surprise when she says that’s it. End with, “This is all you got for how much?”

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.
Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, “Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones.”

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with, no that’s not what happened…

Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, “What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it.”

Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they’re yours. When they need something, they’re hers.
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Rich Man Poor Man
There’s a rich guy and a poor guy having a conversation one day. The rich guy was saying how it was his wife’s birthday last week.The poor guy inquires, “Oh yeah? What did someone like you buy her?”

The rich guy responds, “Well I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes-Benz”.

Puzzled the poor guy asks, “why would you get her both?”.

To which the rich guy retorts, “Well if she didn’t like the diamond, she has a new Mercedes, and if she doesn’t like the Mercedes she always has the diamond ring”.

The poor guy says, “I know what your mean, a few months ago it was my wife’s birthday. I bought her a new pair of slippers and a dildo”.

The rich guy inquires, “that’s a strange combination why the slippers and the dildo”,

To which the poor guy responded, “Well, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself”.
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The Male Cycle
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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ABC's Of Ex-Girlfriends
A is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later. She won’t. She never has before.

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car ? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necrophiliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.

R is for Rich little B!tch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do.

T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that b!tch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!”

. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.
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Women Eh!
Boob jobs
Nose jobs
Teeth bleaching
Tummy tucks
Liposuction
Botox
Pierced ears
Pierced nipples
Pierced bellies
Pierced clits
Bikini wax
Armpit shaved
Legs waxed
Lengthy diets
Strenuous exerciseAND THEN

They won’t take it up the ass, “cause it hurts”.
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How To Be Politically Correct With Women
•She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
•She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
•She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
•She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
•She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
•She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
•She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
•She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
•She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
•She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
•She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
•She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
•She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
•She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.
•She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
•She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
•She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
•She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
•She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
•She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
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TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story

At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed

At 28
You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed

At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story

At 68
If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story

At 78
What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

According to the Office for National Statistics:
190,374 people are having sex right now
212,130 are kissing
and one poor bugger is surfing the internet.
You hang in there, Sunshine!
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Why Men Can Never Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don’t, your insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don’t, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don’t, you are unromantic.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don’t, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
If you don’t, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
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Guide To Women's English
“Yes” = No
“No” = Yes
“Maybe” = No
“I’m sorry” = You’ll be sorry
“We need” = I want
“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
“Do what you want” = You’ll pay for this later.
“Sure, go ahead” = I don’t want you to.
“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset you moron.
“We need to talk” = I need to complain.
“You’re so manly” = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
“You’re certainly attentive tonight” = Is sex all you ever think about?
“Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs
“This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house
“I want new curtains” = and new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper, etc…
“I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep
“Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive
“How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re really not going to like
“I’ll be ready in a minute” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful
“You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me
“Was that the baby?” = Why don’t you get out of bed and rock him until he falls asleep
Answering the question, “What’s wrong?”
“…The same old thing” = Nothing
“…Everything” = My PMS is acting up
“…Nothing, really” = It’s just that you’re such a jerk
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Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever madeAnd the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
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University Seminars For Women Fall Catalog
Once again, the male staff at the University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) – Learning To Sleep Over At Mother’s
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Se xy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You’re On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How To Drive A Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming “The Imelda Syndrome” (formerly called “How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?”)

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching “The Three Stooges”
IR105: Marriage – The Number One Cause Of Divorce
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How To Drive Your Wife Crazy
Start asking her questions (don’t mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, “I think it’s time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.”Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it’s real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she’s in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, “Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.

Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.

Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

Wait until she’s overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, “Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?”

Put on a TV program and then pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, “Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don’t be so selfish.”

Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it’s as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

Wait until she’s finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, “Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn’t going to hurt you.” Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, “Hey, you’ve been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?”

Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she’s making.

When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
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The Guide To Women
A MAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING: I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
…. without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
…. you cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I don’t like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We’re gonna make fun of you and your friends.
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Dream Girl Sayings
1. I’ll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
3. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
5. God…if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!
6. I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You’re so sexy when you’re hung over.
8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.
12. I’ll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor’s teenage daughter is sunbathing naked again, come see!
15. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year for Christ’s sake. You go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let’s go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.
26. I’m finished, so whenever you’re done…
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Make Women Happy - Demerit Point System Explained
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed ………………..+1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…. 0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………….-1
* You leave the toilet seat up………….-5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty………… 0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom………..-2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
* in the snow……………+8
* but return with beer……….-5
* and no liners………………..-25
* You check out a suspicious noise at night……. 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing………… 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……….+5
* You pummel it with a six iron………..+10
* It’s her cat…………………….-40

AT A PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party…… 0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy…-2
* Named Tiffany………….-4
* Tiffany is a dancer………..-6

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner……………. 0
* You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1
* Okay, it is a sports bar……….-2
* And it’s all-you-can-eat night….-3
* It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team……-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal…………………….+5
* The pal is happily married…………+4
* Or frighteningly single……………-7
* And he drives a Ferrari……………-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie……………+2
* You take her to a movie she likes…..+4
* You take her to a movie you hate……+6
* You take her to a movie you like……-2
* It’s called Death Cop 3……………-3
* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans….-9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly………….-15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it………………………….+10
* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…….-30
* You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
She asks, “Do I look fat?”
* You hesitate in responding…..-10
* You reply, “Where?”…………-35
* Any other response………….-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
* You listen, displaying a concerned expression…… 0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes………………..+5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…………….+100
* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep………………-200
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Beer vs. Vagina
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There’s definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I’ll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can’t drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don’t want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don’t find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you’ll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you’ll think you’ve seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there’s a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you’re the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it’ll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc… with vagina you also have a choice, white, black, asian, hispanic, and eskimo…
Call it a DRAW

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn’t have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it
One point to BEER

20. Beer with yeast in it still tastes rather nice.
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 11 VAGINA: 9

That’s it! The matter is settled, the unfortunate yet tasty winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.
An extra point for BEER ((((((((sorry girls))))))))
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Ethnic Guide To Women
1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home.
She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
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My Wife Wouldn't Like It
One day while playing golf I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

golf cart
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out,

“Are you okay, what’s your name?”
“It’s Jack, and I’m OK thanks,” I replied.

“Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, ”but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.

Elizabeth
She was very pretty and persuasive.

“Well okay,” I finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.”

“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Under the cart!” I said….

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The Good Wife's Guide
This is an actual article from the Housekeeping Monthly Magazine 13 May 1955

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

My dad had it way too easy
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