Guy Stuff – Jokes – Stories

A Guy Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess… “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
And lived happily ever after!

The End
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A Week At The Gym
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1.
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6.
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7.
Well, that’s the week. Thank God that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist’s.
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Sex With An Older Man
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked, ‘Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.’

George Burns said, ‘I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.’

Oprah said, ‘I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.’

George said, ‘Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.’

Oprah said, ‘I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?’

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, ‘I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!’

George said, ‘The second time is even better than the first time.’

Oprah asked, ‘You can really do it again at your age?’

George said, ‘Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.’

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, ‘Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!’

George told her that the third time would be even better. ‘You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.’

Oprah asked, ‘Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?’

George replied, ‘No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.”
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No Deer
Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian’s headdress stood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

“Feathers show number of sexual partners,” the chief replied. Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, “Him? One woman, one feather. Him?”, pointing to a second, older man, “Three women, three feathers.”

The reporter looked at the Chief’s headdress. “But you have so many feathers!”

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. “Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall.”

Horrified, the female reporter said, “You ought to be hung!”

The Chief said, “Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.”

The offended reporter said, “You don’t have to be hostile!”

The Chief replied, “Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!”

The reporter cried, “Oh, dear!”

“No deer,” said the Chief. “Ass too high, run too fast.”
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Gold Digger Types
Yes, unemployment is at an all-time high, people are hard-pressed to find work and the economy basically blows. But it’s not just wallets that are suffering. In major cities, especially like New York, L.A. and Miami, gold-digging women everywhere are forced to look elsewhere for their fix of Louis Vuitton bags and diamond earrings. The economic downturn has forced these money-loving ladies to widen their horizons from Wall Street to Main Street. That means one thing for you: Watch out. No matter your economic or social class, there are women eager to reach their hands into your wallet. Here are four different gold digger types:

Gold Digger: The Classic
Let’s start at the top. These are the women that most men recognize as being gold diggers. These ladies are looking to sink their claws into investment bankers, doctors, lawyers, and business moguls. They want yachts, bottle service, designer bags, and jewels. Often, these women have grown up with nothing and are hungry to climb the social ladder. It’s not just the money that matters to them; it’s about gaining a different social status. A cursory look at any of the women on The Real Housewives series will give you a glimpse into the inner workings of these money vampires. If you’re at the top of the food chain, get ready to shell out a crapload of money for these money-hungry ladies. They want the best of the best, and they need you to finance it. A true gold digger always looks amazing. She may be a model or just a really gorgeous woman. Her clothes are always designer, her nails are perfect and the boobs are always perky. Baller, if she gets excited by the words “Porsche” and “Armani,” she’s a gold digger.

Natural Habitat: Anywhere. Expensive: restaurants, bars, clubs — you name it, she’s there. In particular, anywhere near a financial district. If you work near one, beware. If she’s dressed like she just came from work, she’s cool. If she’s dressed to the nines and it’s 7:00 p.m., you likely have a gold digger on your hands.

Silver Diggers: Upper-Middle Class
Silver diggers aren’t quite looking for the jet-setting lifestyle, but they are looking for someone who will afford them a comfortable life. A six-figure income is mandatory; a seven-figure one is not. These women are often looking to maintain a standard of living they are used to. They are often upper-middle class women themselves and don’t want to go “down” in lifestyle. They want their minivans, white picket fences, 2.5 kids, and a dog. And they need you to fund it so they can quit their low-paying publishing/PR jobs and stay at home with the kids. They might seem all Suzy Homemaker at first, but don’t be fooled — they want the cash-ola. Silver Diggers look cute and put together but not over the top, like the girl-next-door.

Natural Habitat: The Silver Digger is slightly less discerning than the Gold Digger. She might branch out to other places like a jazz venue or perhaps a club that the Gold Digger heard about a year ago.

Bronze Diggers: Lower-Middle Class
If you’ve ever watched Jersey Shore, you might get a sense of what a Bronze Digger is like. She’s not very high class, so her idea of snagging a man with money is finding a guy who can afford to drive a Mustang and take her out to Olive Garden. But she thinks she’s high class, and that’s all that matters to her. Fake tans, rhinestones and excessively tight clothing are her best friends. Not sure if you’re in the presence of a Bronze Digger? Look out for her long, French-manicured nails, excessively tight and bejeweled jeans, and more makeup pancaked on her face than a tranny. If she asks you what you’re driving or wearing, she may be looking to hear “Corvette” and “Christian Audigier.”

Natural Habitat: Any sort of chain anything. Or anything she saw on a reality TV show or read about in Us Weekly. Any sort of T.G.I. Friday’s, Bebe, Contempo Casuals, or any other franchise store will melt her icy heart.

Bottom-Feeders: The Food-Stamp Class
In the words of Destiny’s Child, “Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills?” Bottom-feeding women just want to make sure her bills are paid. After all, baby daddy is likely not chipping in. She likely doesn’t know anything about fancy restaurants or expensive cars. Her idea of fine dining is dumping a frozen TV dinner onto a plate. She has reached the point of desperation when it comes to money, and she’s willing to do just about anything short of prostitution to ensure that she always has a financial backup. You may recognize her from her torn-up shorts with the pockets hanging out and bleached-blond hair with two-inch roots. In other words, she looks like Britney Spears without the money. She might seem high class if all you’re used to is your small town, but leave East Bumbleville, and you’ll realize she’s a loser.

Natural Habitat: Wal-Mart, the local bar or a trailer park. Bottom Feeders hang out anywhere there are other blue-collar boys ready to pick her up. Ever watch The Town? She’s Blake Lively — but trashier and not as attractive.

Avoid The Gold Digger
No matter which one may be after you, all gold diggers exhibit the same qualities. All of her questioning will be financially oriented. She may ask you what kind of car you drive or what brand you’re wearing. A woman who wants to get to know you for you is going to ask you about you goals, dreams, likes, and dislikes. She wants to know about you as a person, not what’s in your bank account.

Or she might take a more subtle approach. Rather than directly asking you about your material trappings, she may toss out the names of restaurants or exotic locales to see if you’re familiar with them. A guy who is oblivious might not have heard of them but would suggest going there together.

In the beginning stages, when you’re not really sure what she’s after, suggest a less-expensive alternative and see if she bites. If she’s a cool chick, she’ll more likely be impressed that you know about under-the-radar places than a place you can flash your cash.

This doesn’t mean that every woman who enjoys having a man pay for dinner is a money grubber. Quite the contrary, it’s sweet and chivalrous when a guy pays for dinner, and most women greatly appreciate it if they are genuinely interested in the guy. But if she constantly makes you pay for everything, that’s a different story. A woman who seems unable to ever reach for her wallet might have a serious case of gold diggerism. Don’t get distracted by her looks or flattery, and focus on her interest in you.
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Feel Like A Woman
During a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane encounters a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane and begins screaming. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”

A hush comes over the passengers. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man in the rear of the plane stands up. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. This guy is gorgeous. He’s tall, well built, with flowing black hair and piercing blue eyes. Slowly, he starts to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one stirs.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the handsome stranger approaches her. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers:

“Here, iron this.”
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Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women
True story on CNN.com I swear you can look it up!

Friday, October 3, 2003 Posted: 9:19 AM EDT (1319 GMT)

(AP) — Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

“I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act,” said Dr. A.J. Kramer of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. “I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurrence of breast cancer in women.”

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

“Only with regular occurrence will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine,” said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. “Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances.”

The study is reported in Friday’s Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or “play down” these findings.

“This will hopefully change women’s practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases,” Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

“There’s definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages,” he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers. Also key seems to be the protein and enzyme count in the semen, but researchers are again waiting for more test data.

The research consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio and swallowed on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not or did not swallow. The group of women who had performed and swallowed had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

“The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio,” Shafteer said. “It’s a cause, not THE cause.”
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Selling Life Insurance
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. “If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your
beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
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FUCK Explained
I work next to a building site. One guy wanted another to throw him the end of a cable, so he said (and this is real), “Fuck that fucking fucker over fucking here, mate.”
poetry

Fuck is the most versatile word in the English language.

Here’s a transcript of the funniest audio ever about the eff-word

If you Google “uses of the work fuck” you’ll find sites with the audio version I recommend it.

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word “fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of “fuck”.

Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings- How the fuck are you?
Fraud -I got fucked by the car dealer.
Dismay -Oh, fuck it!
Trouble -Well, I guess I’m fucked now.
Aggression -Fuck you.
Disgust -Fuck me.
Confusion -What the fuck…?
Difficulty -I don’t understand this fucking business.
Despair -Fucked again.
Incompetence -He fucks up everything.
Displeasure -What the fuck is going on here?
Lost -Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief -Unfuckingbelieveable.
Retaliation -Up your fucking ass.
Telling time -I have to work till 5 o-fucking-clock.
It can be used in an anatomical description — “He’s a fucking asshole.”
It can be used to tell time — “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business — “How did I wind up with this fucking job?”
It can be maternal — as in “Motherfucker”.
It can be political — “Fuck George Bush.”

And, never forget General Custer’s last words: “Where did all them fucking Indians come from?”
Or the Mayor of Hiroshima: “What the fuck was that?”
And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic: “Where is all this fucking water coming from?”
The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say fuck?

Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige. Today – say to someone “Fuck You!”
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Texas Sex
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one.” said the other cowboy, “What is it?”

“Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s.”‘

“Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”
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The Ubiquitous Cell Phone
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000″

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..

He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
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A Letter From Your Favorite Porn Site Before You Got A Girlfriend
WANT TO INCREASE YOUR SIZE BY FORTY INCHES OR MORE? CLICK HERE!! axbzy897nh

Haha, just kidding. We both know you’d never get close to the stallions we’ve got in our stables. How you doing, kid? Haven’t seen you around in some time. Been a while since “PussyDestroyer6969″ graced our front page. How’re things? Still using that “fake_email123456@yahoo.com” address? Haha, just kidding, we know you just made that up.

Yeah, bet you thought you’d slip that by our servers, huh? Man, if I had a nickel for every yahoo/hotmail email address that was some amalgam of “fake”, “pussy”, “email”, and “fart”, I’d have exactly $3,455.45. You’d think someone would make an effort and just re-invite themselves to Gmail, and we’d get some classier email addresses. But no.

So yeah, we know about your fake email address. But hey, it’s cool, it’s cool. We’re not judging, it’s just a fake email porn address. No, it’s your real email address that interests us. “sherma43@rutgers.edu” Or should we say Benjamin William Sherman, Jr? From Hackensack, NJ? Yeah, we know all about that. You’d be surprised at how much we know about our customers. For instance, of course, we know that you love “Big Tits” and “Anal” and “Asian Tentacle Rape”. We got that from Google. We also know you’re into “Pre-1970 Liberia”, “Socialism”, and “Liberian Economy”. How’d that paper go, by the way? “Socialism’s Effect on Pre-1970 Liberian Economy”? What did your professor think? What’s his name? Professor Alan Jackson?

You’re probably getting a little uneasy right now. But you’ve got nothing to worry about, we’re harmless. To our customers. To our active customers. To our active, paying customers.

You see, we know a lot about you. More than you think. You’re probably trying to laugh this off now, thinking this is a joke. But I can prove it. Here it comes. Watch this. Andrea. Oh, no big deal, Andrea’s a common college girl’s name. Andrea Thompson. Of Metuchen, NJ. Rutgers Class of ’09. That you’ve been dating since February.

Seems your patronage of our little business has sharply declined since February. See, we’re thinking there’s something of a correlation to be drawn here. You’ve been getting lots of free sex from your little lady love there. You just don’t feel like going through the trouble of logging on and seeing two other people go at it when you can get it yourself. “Why would I want to watch two strangers fuck when I can get my D wet for free?” Haha, we’ve heard that before.

I’ll tell you why you would want to watch two strangers fuck instead of getting your D wet for free. Because if you don’t, Andrea will be getting a lovely new pearl necklace to complement that pretty new bracelet you got her. And you’ll be getting a batch of new videos featuring one of our most recent amateur models, Andi. With an “i” at the end. I think you’ll find her familiar.

So here’s where we get to the point, Ben. We want to see your cyber-face around here a little more often. If you don’t think we’re serious, ask Holli, Brandi, Staci, and Brittni’s boyfriends. They’ll be sure to fill you in.
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Drugs
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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