How To Know Who Your Best Friend Is
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
The Ultimate Farting Guide
The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the world’s leading fartology organizations.
1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an “I can’t do it!” frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when it’s release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, “Just let it happen… its ok…”
2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you’re a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you’re partly on your way. If you’re older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbors farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV… Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? It’s about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don’t assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.
3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the body’s ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Let’s travel forth and delve into the world of position and location…
Leg Lift “Elevator” Position
Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.
Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.
“Imperial” Throne Position
Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.
Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse the mind and cause “dyer” consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.
Wal-Mart Fart Position
Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.
Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store after Christmas day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.
Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.
Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.
There once was a boy with no money
1.There once was a man from Bel-air
There once was a man from Calcutter
there once was a man from Nantucket
There once was a man from Calhoon
There once was a man from Saloon
There once was a boy named Perkin
There once was a man from Nicrates
There once was a man named Dave
My back hurts and my penis is sore
there was a fat lady from mecca
In days of old
There was a young hunter named Shepherd
There was a man from Ghent
A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
There once was a woman named cat
There once was a man named Skinner
There was a young man from Golgotha
There once was a girl from Wheeling
There was a young man from Wales
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana
Jermoore’s genius was evident
there was a girl from peru
An old working girl from Shanghai
I once found a pound on the floor.
There was a man from Helsinki,
The Rolling Rocks were in the sixties a small band
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter.
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
The Cost Of Pleasure
Cover charge: $15
Round of drinks: $23
Table dance: $30
A round of shots: $34
Private dance in your hotel room: $300
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.