Funniest Song Ever
Signs That You’re Broke
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.
McDonald’s is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Bricklayer’s Injury Report
This is an accident report which appeared in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. This report is a true story.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building. at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to feel.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now, devoid of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here, my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move. I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and as I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on top of me. This explains the two broken legs.
You Might Be A Redneck Pilot If…
…you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft!
…you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut!
…you refer to flying in formation as “We got ourselves a convoy!”
…your toothpick keeps poking your mike!
…your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points!
…your stall warning plays Dixie!
…you’ve ever responded to ATC with the phrase “That’s a big 10-4!”
…you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock!
…you have a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service!
…you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight!
…you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
“Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.”
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Well this book doesn’t say that…What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
- Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie
- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Damn, there go the lights again…
- Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
- I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
- What do you mean, he’s not insured?
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
- I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
- Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.
- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
- Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
I’ll Bet You Didn’t Know
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand. And “lollipop” is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”. (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
“The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words ‘racecar’, ‘kayak’, and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to “do” this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You’re not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.” (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that’s about what my memory span is.)
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Yeh I Didn’t Really Care About Any Of This Stuff Either
Message To Pets From Their Owners
* When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
* The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
* The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me does not help, because I fall faster than you can run.
* I cannot buy anything larger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
* For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years – canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
* My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
* The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s rear (I cannot stress
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order”
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
These are actual warnings given on various products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan – NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists – REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo – USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
8. On a packet of Sun maid raisins – WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
9. On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
10. On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
11. On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
12. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
14. On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.