Everyone Should Have Guns. That’s Right. EVERYONE.
Things NOT To Say During Sex
Sex is one of the most intimate, personal things two (or more) people can share. Here are some things to NOT say during that occasionally intimate act.
• I hope you don’t expect a raise for this.
• Hurry up, the game’s about to start.
• Are you trying to be funny?
• You’re almost as good as my ex.
• Is that smell coming from you?
• Haven’t you ever done this before?
• You’re so much like your sister.
• What’s your name again?
• A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time.
• Can we order a pizza?
• Smile for the camera!
• I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
• Hold on, let me change the channel.
• But you just started!
• How much do I owe you?
• I’m still looking for your good side.
• Is it in yet?
• You’re fogging up the windshield.
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• On second thought, let’s turn out the lights.
• Your best friend does this much better.
• Stop moaning, you sound stupid.
• I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.
• Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
• Don’t make that face at me.
• I hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober.
• Your mother’s hot. Can you fix us up?
• Just use your finger, it’s bigger.
• Can you hold this sandwich for me?
• You’re as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something.
• You woke me up for that?
• We’ll try again later when you can satisfy me, too.
• If you can’t do it, I’ll find someone else who can.
• And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner.
• I haven’t had this much sex since I was a hooker.
• Want to see me take out my glass eye?
• Is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
• Hurry up, I’m late for a date.
• It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate.
• Maybe you’re just out of practice.
• Don’t squirm, you’ll spill my beer.
• Of course I don’t love you.
How To Handle Communication
Why is it that my wife says we don’t communicate enough, and then when I ask her what’s wrong she says: “Nothing”?
I used to spend an hour trying to console her on these occasions, but I’ve come to believe this is encouraging a “Martyr Complex” that is counter-productive.
So these days when I suspect something might be amiss, I ask “What’s wrong”. If she says “Nothing”, I respond, “Ok, our relationship is based in trust and honesty, and nothing would destroy it faster than a lack of communication, so I’ll take you at your word, and go back to [reading my email/playing a game/watching TV, etc.].”
It’s not my fault anymore, it’s now hers, and it actually seems to be working.
Crude, rude, lude, and simply disgusting!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister’s guts.
Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I’ll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s Throwing up in the bathroom.
That’s ok dear your father can take care of himself.
But Billy’s eating all the big pieces.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accidents.
• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
• I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
• In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
• I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
• As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
• I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
Female Hormones Found In Beer
Canadian scientists have suggested that men take a close look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis which revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer causes men to turn into women.
In order to test the finding, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, were unable to think rationally, argued over nothing and flatly refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
The Wit And Wisdom of Homer Simpson
Who doesn’t love and admire Homer Simpson? While this lovable oaf has entertained us for more than a decade, we often overlook the profound and entertaining insights he imparts. Here are some of his more memorable gems.
• If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing!
• If it doesn’t have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
• Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
• English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
• Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.
• My wife’s not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to bogart her for life.
• Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
• Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants.
• My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate.
• I just wish once someone would call me “Sir” without adding, “You’re making a scene.”
• Is the poop deck really what I think it is?
• I have a great new motivation technique, it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.
• If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
• I’m not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.
• Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
• How is education going to make me smarter?
• Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?
• How many pounds are in a gallon?
• They didn’t have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.
• When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn’t work.
The Guys’ Rules!!!!!!!!!!
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys’ side of the story.
We always hear ‘ the rules’ From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered ’1′ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one!
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Man’s Best Friend
Q: How can you prove that a dog is truly a man’s best friend?
A: Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Quotes About Sex
The following are our favorite quips, wisecracks and insights about everyone’s favorite subject. Share them with a friend or lover, or friend you’d like to be your lover, or your lover and their lover’s friend.
• “A really hard laugh is like sex—one of the ultimate diversions of existence.” (Jerry Seinfeld)
• “If sex isn’t a joke, what is?” (Nella Larsen)
• “I’m a terrible lover. I’ve actually given a woman an anti-climax.” (Scott Roeben)
• “Anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn’t had enough gratuitous sex.” (Geoff Spear)
• “I love sex. It’s free and doesn’t require special shoes.” (Anonymous)
• “Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.” (Charles Bukowski)
• “Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.” (Germaine Greer)
• “I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.” (Anonymous)
• “For me, love is very deep, but sex only has to go a few inches.” (Stacy Nelkin)
• “Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.” (Marilyn Sokol)
• “During sex I fantasize that I’m someone else.” (Richard Lewis)
• “There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.” (Norman Mailer)
• “The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes.” (Scott Roeben)
• “It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.” (Mae West)
• “There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.” (Lewis Grizzard)
• “For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.” (Quentin Crisp)
• “Nothing makes you forget about love like sex.” (Staci Beasley)
• “I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading.” (Anonymous)
• “Se x and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” (Kevin Costner, Tin Cup)
• “I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.” (Emo Philips)
• “Just saying ‘no’ prevents teenage pregnancy the way ‘Have a nice day’ cures chronic depression.” (Faye Wattleton)
• “I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.” (Leslie Nielsen)
• “I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she’d brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me.” (Scott Roeben)
• “Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that’s not the reason we’re doing it.” (Richard Feynman)
• “Se x is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.” (Phyllis Diller)
• “One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.” (Jane Austen)
• “If sex doesn’t scare the cat, you’re not doing it right.” (Anonymous)
• “Se x is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.” (Garrison Keillor)
• “Se x always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.” (George Carlin)
• “I’ve tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.” (Tallulah Bankhead)
Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.
* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in “junk-foods” and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT’S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don’t know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.