Friday Fun Stuff – 11-17-17

Tim Minchin – Pope Song


Getting Back At Your Flaky Friends


Things That Sound Dirty On Thanksgiving

• Talk about a huge breast!
• Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
• It’s Cool Whip time!
• If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
• Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
• I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
• Are you ready for seconds yet?
• It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
• Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
• Don’t play with your meat.
• Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
• Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
• I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
• You still have a little bit on your chin.
• How long will it take after you stick it in?
• You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
• Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
• That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
• How long do I beat it before it’s ready?


Male Or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. They also require a lot of maintenance, and when you do something wrong it costs a lot of money to fix.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt…

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.


You Know It’s A No-Frills Airline If:

• They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
• You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
• No movie. Don’t need one…your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.


Just Like Grandpa

Two little boys were talking, when they got onto the topic of death.

“How do you want to die?” one little boy asked.

“I want to die sleeping, just like my grandpa,” replied the other, “not screaming like all the other people in his car!”


Yo Mama’s

Yo Mama’s so fat…
When she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.

Yo Mama’s so fat…
When she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo Mama’s so fat…
She has more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

Yo Mama’s so fat…
She puts her lipstick on with a paint-roller.

Yo Mama’s so fat…
When she stepped on the scale, it reads “to be continued”.

Yo Mama’s so ugly…
When she walked out of the pet shop, the alarm went off.

Yo Mama’s house is so dusty…
The roaches have to ride around in dune buggies.

Yo Mama’s So Ugly…
Just after she was born, her mother said, “What a treasure!” and her father said, “Yes, let’s go bury it.”


Call Me Bubba!

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?” She turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” He swallows hard.

Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she’s going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks “What’s your business role at this convention?” “Lecturer”, she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really”, he says, “what myths are those?”

“Well”, she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. “I’m sorry”, she says. “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto”, the man says, “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.”


Male Or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. They also require a lot of maintenance, and when you do something wrong it costs a lot of money to fix.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt…

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.


Chinese Proverbs

• Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
• Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


Pointers For Husbands

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you going to wear THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.


Brutal Insults That Don’t Use Curse Words

“Why play so hard to get when you’re already so hard to want?”
“You look like a before picture.”
“You’re impossible to underestimate.”
“Do you realize that people just tolerate you?”
“Your gene pool could use a little more chlorine.”
“You are the human equivalent of a participation award.”
“The only culture you possess is bacteria.”
“You’re not pretty enough to be this stupid.”
“I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed.”
“You look like a visible fart.”
“You clearly have not been burdened by an overabundance of education.”
“Whoever told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.”
“I envy people who haven’t met you.”
“I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.”
“You are as a candle, better burnt out.”
“You haven’t been yourself lately. We’ve all noticed the improvement.”
“Honey, you couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
“I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.”
“You will be utterly forgotten.”
“You, my friend, are a piece of foam.”
“The only thing that she will ever look good in is a body bag.”
“As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?”
“Be gone, you male infant of a female canine!”
“Consume fecal waste products and expire.”
“You fornicator of your maternal parent!”
“Fornicate with thyself”
“Stop being such an anal orifice.”
“I hope your mother runs out from under the porch and bites you!”
“There is a perfect term to describe you ladies, but it’s not generally used outside of dog breeding.”
“I’d call you a cunt but you don’t have the warmth or the depth”
“Be gone before someone drops a house on you!”
“I’m glad you’ll be dead soon, because the only way you’ll improve this world is by leaving it.”
“I would call you a cunt but that’s an insult to cunts; they bring life and pleasure into the world. You do the opposite of that.”


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