Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Dean Martin, Peter Sellers, Dom DeLuise & Nipsey Russell – Barbershop Sketch

This Theme Park Is Haunted By A Ghost

Advantages Of Being A Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
12. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
13. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
14. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it
15. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We don’t have to memorize the movies “Caddyshack” or “Star Wars” to fit in.
17. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
19. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
20. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
21. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
22. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
23. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
24. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

An Ode To The Fart

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide—open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

You Might Be A Redneck If…

…you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

…the centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

…you owe a taxidermist more than your annual income.

…You’ve ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

…your cousins put out a rap record and it goes aluminum

Why are redneck murder mysteries so hard to solve?
Because, The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

What are the last words that a redneck usually says before he dies?
“Hey ya’ll. Watch this!”

Hair Color

An Old Man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over & sat down beside him. The boy’s hair was yellow, green, purple and orange. He had black makeup around his eyes.

The old man kept staring at him.

Finally, the boy said, “What’s the matter, old man? Haven’t you ever done anything wild in your life?”

The old man thought for a while and answered, “Well Yes! Actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Husbands

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————————–
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”
———————————————————–
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
———————————————————–
He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
———————————————————–
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
———————————————————–
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———————————————————–
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
———————————————————–
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
———————————————————–
A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…

Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

How Are You Doing That?

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?”

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

Walks Into A Bar…

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
====================
The NSA Walks into a bar.
“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.
The NSA smiles. “I’ve heard it.”
====================
An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
====================
Jimmy Wales* walks into a bar.
[citation needed]
*co-founder of Wikipedia
====================
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”====================
A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??”
====================
The barman says,
“We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
====================
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”
The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
====================
A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
====================
This cowboy walks into a bar.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
====================
A man runs into a bar.
Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me ten shots of your best whiskey—quick!” So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds.
“Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.
“You’d drink fast too if you had what I have,” says the man.
“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.
“About twelve cents.”
====================
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Have you been served?”
====================
A guy walks into a bar with a huge piece of asphalt under his arm.
He asks for a beer, and one for the road.
====================
ƒ(x) walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”
====================
A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry. This is a singles bar.
====================
A guy walks into a bar and asks for fruit punch.
The bartender says “Sure. Just get in line.”
The guy looks over and gets confused ’cause there’s no punchline.
====================
A man walks into a bar owned by horses.
The bartender says, “Why the short face?”
====================
Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.”
He doesn’t react.
====================
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
====================
A new lawyer walks into a diner.
“Where’s the bar?” she asks.
A waiter responds, “You passed it on the way here.”
====================
Two guys walk into a bar…
the third one ducks.
====================
Three blonds, a cowboy, a time traveler, a panda, and a man with a duck on his head walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke??”

Philosophy Class

Teacher: Give me an analogy as to how do we live our life

Student1: Like a star. Seen and admired by every one, but far enough to be untouched by their thoughts and misdeeds

Student2: Like a Lion. King of my world and Fierce to the last breath

Student3: Like a Fart. Make others laugh when I’m born, provide relief/happiness to my Creator, make my presence felt to everyone I meet and leave the world making them wonder about my origin

Kids’ Thoughts!

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? –Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. –Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like the English do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. –Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. –Age 10

Home is where the house is. –Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. –Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks. –Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. –Age 6

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. –Age 15

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. –Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor. –Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. –Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. –Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. –Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! –Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?” –Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right? –Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. –Age 15

What Ology?

A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:

“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?

The sailor said no to all his questions.

Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.

After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?

The professor said no.

Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.

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